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I'm getting really bad at this...someone beat me with a wooden spoon!

Well, I met with the doc last Friday (although I go every 4 weeks, I haven't seen Dr. Kwon himself since he took my staples out back in August).  I only lost 1 pound this month.  :(  I'm over it, though.  I'd been using a new meal supplement program, and I've also been cheating a little (ok...a lot).  Anyway, getting in WAY too many carbs and thus slowing down the process.  So, I'm back to eating real food again.

I'm not such a big fan of eating 3 meals a day anymore.  It means a lot of pre-planning and timing and can get stressful sometimes!  Often, my stomach just isn't up for all that food at once (by "all" I mean 6-8 oz).  Over the weekend, I was able to finish my breakfast, but I couldn't finish any meal after that.  I guess it'll take time.

Dr. Kwon also told me I need to start eating fruit.  I hadn't been eating it at all.  I bought some bananas and some precut fruit salad.  Yummy!  I don't mind being told I HAVE to eat fruit. :)

I might get back into eating yogurt again.  We'll see...it'll be good with the fruit and goes down nice and easy.  Right now, I'm eating eggs.  However, in an attempt to hype up the protein content, I seem to have put too much cheese in them. UGH!  I don't like the idea of eating eggs every day anyway.  Although I do half yolkless (can't eat egg beaters.  They REALLY mess with my stomach), I still feel as if it's not all that healthy. I like eggs with a little bacon or sausage as a treat on the weekends.

I like to do soup for breakfast, but I didn't have time to make any...well, I did make soup, but it's for dinner.  Perhaps next week I'll make soup for breakfast.  Since I'm not supposed to do "normal" breakfast foods (cereal, toast, oatmeal, etc...) I need to be creative.  Any suggestions?

The doc was very impressed with my weight loss progress.  He told me I could stop losing if I wanted to.  However, I'm still 35 pounds shy of my personal goal.  I think I'm going to keep trying for a little while longer.  I can't believe it'll be a year since my surgery next month!

I've got plastic surgery on my mind.  Part of me isn't so keen about going under the knife again so soon.  At the same time, the weight of the skin causes pain in some places.  Plus, it makes certain physical activities difficult because it gets in the way, makes noise, and messages with my balance.  Insurance most likely won't cover it anyway, so...we'll see.  I have to see if I can find a corporate sponsor. :P

It starts NOW, 'cause tomorrow don't exist

I didn't go back out to the convenience store this evening and get coffee and nuts.  I did get coffee from the jail, but with regular creamer instead of sweetened.

I keep talking about tightening the reigns on myself, but I don't see myself actually doing it.  Today, instead of eating the soup I brought for lunch, I stopped and picked up a soup and a wrap.  This is getting ridiculous.  Although I'm not binging or eating compulsively, I'm not happy with the way I AM eating.  It would have been so easy to say, "I'll start it tomorrow."  Actually, that had been my original idea when I decided I was going to go back out this evening and get nuts.  But, tomorrow never comes.  If I don't start NOW, I won't start.  So, I started now.  No more sweetened creamers.  No more cocoas.  No more going outside my food plan (except for the unforeseen stuff like being asked out or something of the like).  No more splurging with the wraps and such.  My dietitian said I can treat myself ONCE a week, and that's what I intend to do.  I am NOT going to gain wait.  I am NOT going to fail.  I am NOT going to stretch my stomach back out.

This time, I AM a SUCCESS!

Friday's appt

I forgot to post about Friday.  It went great.  I've lost another 5 pounds...I'm almost the same weight as my husband now.  WOOHOO!  And I've almost lost 130 pounds.  Pretty exciting!  Jody couldn't compliment me enough.

I've also got an appointment to see a plastic surgeon...I don't know how that will go.  I really want/need surgery...I have a lot of skin to get rid of and it REALLY gets in the way.  It messes with my balance.  Also, I can't run or do sports because the skin makes noises...it's very embarrassing!  However, insurance almost NEVER covers the post op plastic surgery.  Anyone what to donate to my self-beautification fund?

I'm so glad I made it to this morning's OA meeting!  I almost didn't.  Dave really wanted me to go on the trip with him today.  And I really wanted to go with him like I usually do, but I hadn't been to a meeting in 2 weeks and was really feeling disconnected.  I felt guilty not going with him, but I knew I needed to be at the meeting.  Like Chicky, I was not happy when Diane stated her topic - Believing the Lies.  "What lies?!" my brain shouted!  I'm recovering, I don't believe any lies!  The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that, yeah, there are some lies I'd been believing...

1. I'll start tomorrow - I know this is a lie, and I'm getting better at recognizing it when it comes up.  However, I know there are still times when I buy into it.

2. My sponsor doesn't need to know - Often, when it's just a little change to my plan, like a cup of coffee, I tell myself I don't need to surrender it.  However, I know that, as soon as I start thinking that way, that's when I need to surrender it most, because it means I'm hiding something, or want to hide something.  I'm getting ready to test the water and run the risk of diving in deeper and getting into trouble.  Also, if I'm not willing to admit to her what I'm eating, it's because I'm afraid she's going to take it away from me - tell me I should remove it from my food.

3. I get together with friends for the food - Today I had plans to get together with a friend.  I was very disappointed when she texted me to ask if I wanted to have lunch with her at work - meaning fast food.  I don't do fast food.  What I realized though, was that I'd actually been looking forward to getting together with her because we usually go out to eat.  I wasn't looking forward to visiting with HER, I was looking forward to the MEAL that I expected to get with her.

4. When I say I'm tired, I'm not really tired - Many evenings, I don't go anywhere or do anything because "I'm tired" or "I need to relax" because "I worked so hard today..."  I realized in the meeting today that these are really just excuses.  If I go out with others, I may not be able to eat the food I want to eat, when I want to eat it.  I may not get to eat at all!  So, I hide in my home in order to be able to control my eating and ensure my eating.  How sad is THAT?

Tied in with that is the idea that I don't have any time - don't have time to read important literature, don't have time to make phone calls (for business, pleasure or OA), don't have time to...whatever.  Yet, I get home at night, run around frantic for an hour getting ready for the next day and then crash in front of the TV for the next however many hours.  The real truth is that I have the time, I'm just not willing to take it.  I think, at least in part, it has to do with control.  If I'm, for example, on a phone call, there's no controlling how long the call will last, and, therefore, it might mess up any other plans I've had.

Something old, something new

Well, I've started falling back into old and bad habits...snacking more, being a little lazy in my measures and so on.  So, I'm trying something new.  A friend of mine works with a program called Silhouette Solutions, so I'm giving it a shot. 6 small meals a day - 5 supplements and 1 real meal.  Today's my first day, so I'll let you know how it goes.  So far, I'm doing ok.  I was worried that it would bother my stomach, because their supplements are made with whey - which gave me a lot of problems before.  Right now, though, I seem to be tolerating them just fine.  I'll tell you this much though - they are the BEST protein/meal replacements I've EVER tasted!
I'm also hoping they'll make life a little easier.  I'm always worried about whether or not I'll have enough time to eat or eating too fast to make meals fit into tight times...it's frustrating at times!  Now, I won't have to worry so much about it.  Each meal is only about 1 - 1.5 ounces, so I can do that in 5-10 minutes.  Good to go!

Tomorrow I have my doc appt.  I'm a little nervous because, as I said, I haven't been 100% on track.  My scale says I haven't gained, which is good, but it also says I haven't lost.  As long as I haven't gained, I guess I'm good to go.

Stop listening to the head!

Sometimes I make bad decisions...I had chicken set aside for dinner last night.  I wasn't in the mood for it, so I grabbed trail mix at the convenience store instead.  Well, by 8:00 I had the shakes... apparently, there isn't much nutrition in cheap trail mix.  UGH!  I HATE that feeling!  So I ran home as fast as I could and had a little salad and some protein chips.  I didn't want to eat too much because it was almost 10pm by then.

Mea Culpa

Sorry it's been so long since I've been on.  I'm lazy...and busy, but I have plenty to say.
First off, I'm almost the same weight as my husband.  WOOHOO!!  I have about 40 pounds til goal.  Then...what?  Well, start doing research and sending out letters and seeing if anyone will be willing to sponsor all my plastic surgery...'cause I'll need a lot of it.  I LOVE the way I look in clothes, but all that hangy skin in the mirror is kind of creepy!

I've been doing OK staying on track, but not great.  It's so easy to get sloppy, so I'm working harder at attending my OA meetings and keeping in touch with my sponsor.  Coffee is a real pitfall for me.  I love it!  One might think it's innocent, except the calories and carbs from the creamer add up.  I'm trying to convince myself to switch to tea in the afternoons.  So far, no success.

People keep asking me how I feel.  I feel GREAT!  I can do so many things.  I can breath.  When I sit at a booth in a restaurant, I feel as though I'm about 10 feet from the table.  It's so strange!  People keep complimenting me on the way I look; it feels nice and strange at the same time.  Overall, I just feel healthy and that's a good thing.

The last two weeks have been a little difficult.  I keep thinking about food a lot and the things I miss.  For example, I keep thinking about snickers bars.  MAN!  I used to love those things.  It's hard, sometimes, to go into a convenience store, or stand in the check out line with all that junk staring at me, calling my name.  I just keep reminding myself that the momentary taste of that food is nowhere NEAR as good or as long lasting as the way I feel right now.  Plus, if I fill my tiny belly with that candy bar, I won't have room for my protein is what's helping me lose weight.

Ok, gotta run.  More later!