I will survive...I hope

Well, I think I may have found a way to survive...I found some recipes in my bariatric cookbook that meet the doc's specs, so I'm going to focus on those instead of protein suppliments. However, that might mean taking in a few more calories than the doc wants me to. So...I'll have to exercise more. I'm not really up fo exercising as I'm stressed about all the things I have to do, but I have to find a happy medium somewhere. The dietition said breaking exercise up into 15 minute segments is the same thing as doing it all at once, so I'm going to try to walk 15 minutes at a time 4 times a day. We'll see where that leaves me, weight wise, at my next appointment.

GRRRRR

Well, I just threw up! For the first time since this surgery I THREW UP!! Did I throw up when I was sipping soup? NO! Did I throw up when I was nibbling chicken? NO!! But now, I'm back to struggling with protein suppliments and what do I do??? I THROW F%^&ing UP!!

Am I upset? YES! How the heck am I supposed to follow doctor's orders of doctor's orders make me sick to my stomach?? GRRR!!

Bye bye love...

Well, no more food for me. The doc was NOT happy that I started eating food. He's sent me back to square one...and I need to drink even MORE water. I feel like S@#$, and I have to still have to eat the stuff that upsets my stomach most. Grrr!

Do you smell that?

Smells are driving me CRAZY! If I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant. Oh, my gosh!! I feel so sorry for pregnant woman...nine months of never knowing what's going to make you puke just by the way it smells??? The fun part is, I seem to be smelling things no one else does! A friend came over last night and I could SWEAR I smelled onions, and it was really making my stomach do cartwheels. She said she couldn't smell anything.

This morning...I don't know what it is that I smell, but it just is turning my stomach inside out! UGH!!

I finally ate some soup last night. I know I said I was going to swear off soup for a while, but it was the only thing I could bring myself to eat. I thought I was feeling better, but then, after I ate, I was nauseaus all over again. I went to bed feeling like crap. This morning...I still feel like crap. Fortunately, I see the doctor this morning, so we'll see where that leads. In the meantime, I know I should try to eat something, but I'm afraid...

Good morning

Been up since 2:30 this morning. My stomach was bothering me all night. It still hurts. I look forward to going to the doc tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to attempt shakes. If I can't stomach them, then it'll just be good old chicken broth. It's all for the best, I suppose. I've been so torn up about what I'm eating and how much of it, I guess taking time off from solids will rest my weary head a little.

Have a I turned green?

I'm thinking of the Hulk, not envy. It's been an anger-filled morning. I at a whole half a cup of soup last night. I'm not supposed to have that much room in my stomach at this point. What's going wrong? Is it the broth? Washing everything down as fast as I take it in? Have I already stretched my stomach out too far (I don't know how...I've followed Dr.'s orders)? Am I just a freak of nature? I don't know. What I do know is that, right now, 1. I'm in panic mode and 2. I'm angry. I'm panicing because I keep worrying that this isn't going to work. Thankfully, I have a doctor's appointment coming up, but it's still 3 days away. I may drive myself crazy in that amount of time! I'm angery because I'm just mad at myself for being this freak of a person in love with food.
There ya go. I said it. I'm a freak. Those who know me and read this probably had no idea how I REALLY thought about myself. Lucky you, you're getting the true inside scoop on what I think of myself.

Scale, evil is thy name

Don't step on scales! Their evil! Mine has been begging me to visit for DAYS. Even though the doctor's office said don't weigh yourself at home, I finally gave in and weighed myself last night. 3 pounds! That's what the scale said...that I'd gained 3 POUNDS?? How does one gain 3 pounds on a 500 calorie a day diet??? (Yes, folks, I've been eating 500 calories a day...8 oz prune juice to get the insides flowing, 1/2 a scrambled egg, 1 oz chicken salad, 1c soup, and 2 protein shooters...grand total 460 calories. I shot the extra 40 in for good luck).

I was so depressed I just wanted to give the whole thing up. People come to the meetings and say, "Oh, I lost 20 pounds in my first 2 weeks" or whatever they loose. And I get to walk in and say I gained 3 f*&^ing pounds??? My husband told me to relax, it's only been 2 weeks. It's hard to relax though...if I fail at this then what? There is nothing left to try...

Yup, fear and panic have settled in. See, I have this problem. I expect myself to be PERFECT. I expect everything to come out JUST SO. And when I'm not and it doesn't I sort of slip on over to the dark side of EVERYTHING'S GONNA GO WRONG. There goes that ol' brain again. That nasty, ugly, slippery tape worm that just loves to make me feel like crap. It's so easy to just agree with him instead of telling him to bugger off and let me be. I'm willing to beat myself up. Why? I'm not really sure...

Last night I kept thinking about my relationship with food (I couldn't fall asleep). Why am I so afraid to give it up? What am I afraid of loosing? What am I just afraid of? 'Cause, really, it's all about fear. What is so great about food that my life will lack if I let it go? I honestly don't know. All it's given me is heartache my whole life. For as long as I can remember I've been the butt of jokes. The troll. The perfect one to pick on. Ugly. The words go on and on. Inside my own head I've hated myself for the way I look and feel. I've been embarrassed. Felt worthless. Hated the fact food had more control over my life than I did. So...what's so great that I don't want to just let go?

THAT is the million dollar question my friends and if I could figure out the answer I think this struggle would be a whole lot easier...