As Previously discussed...

Here is my first OA homework for your viewing pleasure...

1."In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesety-the dieting, starving, overexercising, or purging". Here is a first-step inventory of my compulsive eating history.

My compulsive eating history...Food has always had a significant place in my life, I guess. I remember going on my first diet when I was around 5 years old. I didn't mind so much - I got to eat a lot of yogurt, and I really liked yogurt - but I missed some of the good stuff too, I guess. I really remember food becoming important to me when I was around 10. My father re-married for the third time and his new wife resented my sister and me. I got very involved with eating food - the fatter I became, the more she took away, the more I stole to sneak in hiding.

Since then, there has never been enough food in my life. I horde food. I buy food that I never eat, just to have it in the house. It makes me feel good. I also insist on feeding others, because them eating when I can't have makes me feel better as well.

I've been on every diet under the sun, I think. I've binged. I've purged. I even tried starving myself, but that didn't last too long because I missed food too much. Just about every moment of every day is concerned with food. What will I eat for my next meal? Will I like it? Should I choose something else? Will I be missing out on something? What if life gets in my way, and I can't have that thing I've chosen?

Since my surgery, I've been able to think a little more clearly about food. I was forced into detox because I couldn't eat for over a month, and then slowly introduced only proteins and fruits and vegetables. However, I've learned that it is easy to become cloudy again. It's as though I always have to be at the top of my game. If I let my guard down, food will sneak up on me faster than I can say NO! I do find peace in my proteins, fruits and vegetables. These are not foods that cloud my mind. They are foods that I can enjoy, and then let go when I'm done eating. I do, though, still obsess a bit about when I'll eat, and what. Sometimes it scares me to see so little on my plate because I'm afraid there won't be enough. But if I eat slow, and mindfully, I get through and see that I am ok.