Update

The picture I just posted was taken today. I'm about 6 1/2 months post-op, and I've lost about 115 pounds.

V for victory

I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself. Normally, I have 3 meals and a snack. Mostly, the snack is just because I don't get enough protein in during my meals, so it's to finish off my protein for the day. Yesterday, I got enough protein in - more than enough, somehow. When it came time for snack, I went looking for something, but didn't know what to eat. I didn't need protein, so I thought I'd treat myself to something different. However, there wasn't anything different that I wanted. Finally, I settled on my protein chips because I thought the crunch would be nice. In reality, though, I didn't need them. I wasn't even really hungry. I was just following habits.

I didn't eat the chips right away because I had eaten dinner late. I just had them sitting on the bed next to me. When the time came to finally eat them, I turned them down. I realized that not only did I not need them, I didn't WANT them. I was falling into old patterns of force-feeding myself JUST BECAUSE...just because the food was there...just because I could...just because I wanted to...

The fact that I was able to do that is a big deal for me. In the past, it was always so hard to say no to that yearning for food. Sometimes it still is, but I did it, and I'm pretty happy with myself!

Sweets for my sweetie

Last night, I desperately wanted something sweet! After I'd eaten my dinner I just really wanted something sweet, but I knew I wouldn't have room for it. About an hour later, I still wanted something, so I tried to think I about what I could have. I do have some chocolate in the house that I picked up yesterday, but I didn't want that. I'm saving that for my once a week treat, I didn't want my treat to be yesterday. Finally I settled on a clemintine. It's small, so I might have been able to fit it in my stomach, and they're very sweet, so I'd hoped it would stop my craving. However, as I lay there watching tv, I thought to myself, "but I don't NEED it. I've eaten enough for today and I'm not even hungry." So, I allowed myself to just live with the craving.

For me, that's HUGE. In the past, if I craved something, I HAD to feed the craving. I couldn't live with it. It would just get worse and worse until I was certain I was going to go mad. Plus, it was always like there was a child inside my head throwing a temper tantrum, "I want it and I want it NOW!"

This morning, the craving is gone. I'm eating a regular breakfast and I haven't gone mad because I didn't eat something sweet last night.

Okay now on to Step two:

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Work book page 11 # 1

1. As I look with the complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?

Well, up until the point I began OA, I was convinced I was going to eat myself to death. There were even times I would sit with a big greasy burger covered with mayonnaise and french fries ALSO covered with mayo and though to myself, "I'm going to die. One of these days, I'm going to just have a heart attack and die.

Yet, I continued, to munching right away on the food that was going to kill me.

I also would get angry at people for taking my food - a fry off my plate, for example. I mean ANGRY! Don't EVER get between my food and me, not if you want to keep your fingers. I still get angry. I try not to, but now I get angry for a different reason. I have to weigh and measure everything. If someone takes a morsel from me, it messes with my count. Then what? Do I add more? Life without it? What if that one bite leaves me hungry at the end of the meal?

I have emotional reactions to food...crying or anger when I can't have what I want. Actual heartfelt love when I get something I really enjoy! I HATE this! It's just food! Why the hell do I have FEELINGS for it?

Going crazy!

Well, my food has been really good. The last 3 or 4 days have been really rough. Sweets have REALLY been calling me. I actually yelled at my husband on Friday. He was eating cookies in bed. I asked him not to put the plate next to me, and he didn't understand my request. I got angry and yelled at him about how I can't eat certain foods and it really gets to me, and I've been good for a month and blah, blah, blah.

However, my dietitian did say it's ok to treat myself once a week. Since I've been jonesing for something sweet, I decided to try some sugar free chocolate. I bought some NASTY stuff from the grocery store. It wasn't that great, but it did hit the spot, I suppose. I do still feel angry about not being able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, but I am also realizing I need to learn to live with food - as both my dietitian and my therapist tell me. I have to learn to treat myself to something fun, without going overboard or without dipping into trigger foods. I think it's so interesting how trigger foods work...chocolate is not a trigger. I can drink half a cup of sugar free cocoa and feel satisfied or portion of protein pretzels without going crazy. Put sugar in the chocolate or wheat in the pretzels, and I can't control myself!

I'm glad to have awareness, though. It makes it so much easier to make the right choices - even when I'm angry or feeling sorry for myself. And as my body changes and I notice something new I can do - like last week when I made it through an entire dance class and even jumped and hopped - I find it easier to turn food down. Feeling good feels SO much better than anything food can give me. And I keep thinking, "Nothing is so bad that food can't make it worse." I keep reminding myself of how bad I feel EMOTIONALLY when I eat...I certainly don't want that. Food just doesn't bring me pleasure anymore. I guess I'm at that point in my addiction where the drug no longer makes me feel good. I just use it to survive...to feel normal, well, while I was using.

I'm no ostrich!

Ok...homework...

W.B. page 8 # 6

Do I believe only an honest admission to myself of the reality of my condition can save me from my destructive eating?

I don't know what else to say to this but - YES. For a long time I tried to avoid the truth about my condition. I would be fine if...It wasn't until last year that I came to the heartbreaking truth - only in admitting my disease and seeking help would I ever be able to overcome it. It's been hard admitting it. Not so much in admitting it to myself, but in terms of being honest with others about it because they don't understand and sometimes don't even want to accept it.

I suppose it's like dealing with a major illness. If one has cancer or heart disease, but chooses to keep their head in the sand, not only will they never heal the disease, but they'll most likely die! And cause many others in their life to suffer as well

I stayed on track yesterday - I didn't eat anything I shouldn't have. The hardest part, honestly, was not getting what I wanted. When I feel I have little control over what I eat, or can't eat what I planned for, I get very upset. No matter what I end up eating, I feel as though I have't eaten. I feel I've been gypped. Inside, I throw a temper tantrum like I spoiled 5 year old.

I really don't like this about myself. It's something I feel I really need to work on. Food is food. It's meant to nurish! I shouldn't get upset about what I did or didn't have. Instead, I should be grateful I had anything to eat at all!

Although I know this intellectually, I think it'll be a long time before I grasp it emotionally. I am so emotionally attached to food. It's going to talk time to let go...maybe I never will completely.

Today's assignment:

workbook pag 6, d.

Am I in touch with my feelings, or have I buried my and anger and fear in false cheerfulness?

I used to bury my feelings deep, very deep. It was like I had this black well near my bellybutton and that's where they all were. Even happiness, love and joy were buried because it was dangerous to feel good - one never knew when disaster would strike and all the good stuff would be taken away. It was just too risky to feel good and too difficult to feel bad. If the feelings started to surface, I would cover them with food or physical pain.

Lately, though - over the last 6 months - I've been able to start pulling those layers of feeling out one by one, feel them, accept them for what they are, and lay them aside. It's certainly not aways easy. Dealing with feelings about my parents, for example, is terrible! There is so much pain. I want to hate them. Yet, I love them. Everything is mixed and mingled...

But when I'm able to be brave and do the work, the ways I grow and change are amazing. I love the way my life becomes fuller. Mostly, I learn that 1. I don't have to be afraid all the time and 2. I am a worthwhile person and can be taken care of.