It starts NOW, 'cause tomorrow don't exist

I didn't go back out to the convenience store this evening and get coffee and nuts.  I did get coffee from the jail, but with regular creamer instead of sweetened.

I keep talking about tightening the reigns on myself, but I don't see myself actually doing it.  Today, instead of eating the soup I brought for lunch, I stopped and picked up a soup and a wrap.  This is getting ridiculous.  Although I'm not binging or eating compulsively, I'm not happy with the way I AM eating.  It would have been so easy to say, "I'll start it tomorrow."  Actually, that had been my original idea when I decided I was going to go back out this evening and get nuts.  But, tomorrow never comes.  If I don't start NOW, I won't start.  So, I started now.  No more sweetened creamers.  No more cocoas.  No more going outside my food plan (except for the unforeseen stuff like being asked out or something of the like).  No more splurging with the wraps and such.  My dietitian said I can treat myself ONCE a week, and that's what I intend to do.  I am NOT going to gain wait.  I am NOT going to fail.  I am NOT going to stretch my stomach back out.

This time, I AM a SUCCESS!

Friday's appt

I forgot to post about Friday.  It went great.  I've lost another 5 pounds...I'm almost the same weight as my husband now.  WOOHOO!  And I've almost lost 130 pounds.  Pretty exciting!  Jody couldn't compliment me enough.

I've also got an appointment to see a plastic surgeon...I don't know how that will go.  I really want/need surgery...I have a lot of skin to get rid of and it REALLY gets in the way.  It messes with my balance.  Also, I can't run or do sports because the skin makes noises...it's very embarrassing!  However, insurance almost NEVER covers the post op plastic surgery.  Anyone what to donate to my self-beautification fund?

I'm so glad I made it to this morning's OA meeting!  I almost didn't.  Dave really wanted me to go on the trip with him today.  And I really wanted to go with him like I usually do, but I hadn't been to a meeting in 2 weeks and was really feeling disconnected.  I felt guilty not going with him, but I knew I needed to be at the meeting.  Like Chicky, I was not happy when Diane stated her topic - Believing the Lies.  "What lies?!" my brain shouted!  I'm recovering, I don't believe any lies!  The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that, yeah, there are some lies I'd been believing...

1. I'll start tomorrow - I know this is a lie, and I'm getting better at recognizing it when it comes up.  However, I know there are still times when I buy into it.

2. My sponsor doesn't need to know - Often, when it's just a little change to my plan, like a cup of coffee, I tell myself I don't need to surrender it.  However, I know that, as soon as I start thinking that way, that's when I need to surrender it most, because it means I'm hiding something, or want to hide something.  I'm getting ready to test the water and run the risk of diving in deeper and getting into trouble.  Also, if I'm not willing to admit to her what I'm eating, it's because I'm afraid she's going to take it away from me - tell me I should remove it from my food.

3. I get together with friends for the food - Today I had plans to get together with a friend.  I was very disappointed when she texted me to ask if I wanted to have lunch with her at work - meaning fast food.  I don't do fast food.  What I realized though, was that I'd actually been looking forward to getting together with her because we usually go out to eat.  I wasn't looking forward to visiting with HER, I was looking forward to the MEAL that I expected to get with her.

4. When I say I'm tired, I'm not really tired - Many evenings, I don't go anywhere or do anything because "I'm tired" or "I need to relax" because "I worked so hard today..."  I realized in the meeting today that these are really just excuses.  If I go out with others, I may not be able to eat the food I want to eat, when I want to eat it.  I may not get to eat at all!  So, I hide in my home in order to be able to control my eating and ensure my eating.  How sad is THAT?

Tied in with that is the idea that I don't have any time - don't have time to read important literature, don't have time to make phone calls (for business, pleasure or OA), don't have time to...whatever.  Yet, I get home at night, run around frantic for an hour getting ready for the next day and then crash in front of the TV for the next however many hours.  The real truth is that I have the time, I'm just not willing to take it.  I think, at least in part, it has to do with control.  If I'm, for example, on a phone call, there's no controlling how long the call will last, and, therefore, it might mess up any other plans I've had.

Something old, something new

Well, I've started falling back into old and bad habits...snacking more, being a little lazy in my measures and so on.  So, I'm trying something new.  A friend of mine works with a program called Silhouette Solutions, so I'm giving it a shot. 6 small meals a day - 5 supplements and 1 real meal.  Today's my first day, so I'll let you know how it goes.  So far, I'm doing ok.  I was worried that it would bother my stomach, because their supplements are made with whey - which gave me a lot of problems before.  Right now, though, I seem to be tolerating them just fine.  I'll tell you this much though - they are the BEST protein/meal replacements I've EVER tasted!
I'm also hoping they'll make life a little easier.  I'm always worried about whether or not I'll have enough time to eat or eating too fast to make meals fit into tight times...it's frustrating at times!  Now, I won't have to worry so much about it.  Each meal is only about 1 - 1.5 ounces, so I can do that in 5-10 minutes.  Good to go!

Tomorrow I have my doc appt.  I'm a little nervous because, as I said, I haven't been 100% on track.  My scale says I haven't gained, which is good, but it also says I haven't lost.  As long as I haven't gained, I guess I'm good to go.