I'm so glad I made it to this morning's OA meeting!  I almost didn't.  Dave really wanted me to go on the trip with him today.  And I really wanted to go with him like I usually do, but I hadn't been to a meeting in 2 weeks and was really feeling disconnected.  I felt guilty not going with him, but I knew I needed to be at the meeting.  Like Chicky, I was not happy when Diane stated her topic - Believing the Lies.  "What lies?!" my brain shouted!  I'm recovering, I don't believe any lies!  The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that, yeah, there are some lies I'd been believing...

1. I'll start tomorrow - I know this is a lie, and I'm getting better at recognizing it when it comes up.  However, I know there are still times when I buy into it.

2. My sponsor doesn't need to know - Often, when it's just a little change to my plan, like a cup of coffee, I tell myself I don't need to surrender it.  However, I know that, as soon as I start thinking that way, that's when I need to surrender it most, because it means I'm hiding something, or want to hide something.  I'm getting ready to test the water and run the risk of diving in deeper and getting into trouble.  Also, if I'm not willing to admit to her what I'm eating, it's because I'm afraid she's going to take it away from me - tell me I should remove it from my food.

3. I get together with friends for the food - Today I had plans to get together with a friend.  I was very disappointed when she texted me to ask if I wanted to have lunch with her at work - meaning fast food.  I don't do fast food.  What I realized though, was that I'd actually been looking forward to getting together with her because we usually go out to eat.  I wasn't looking forward to visiting with HER, I was looking forward to the MEAL that I expected to get with her.

4. When I say I'm tired, I'm not really tired - Many evenings, I don't go anywhere or do anything because "I'm tired" or "I need to relax" because "I worked so hard today..."  I realized in the meeting today that these are really just excuses.  If I go out with others, I may not be able to eat the food I want to eat, when I want to eat it.  I may not get to eat at all!  So, I hide in my home in order to be able to control my eating and ensure my eating.  How sad is THAT?

Tied in with that is the idea that I don't have any time - don't have time to read important literature, don't have time to make phone calls (for business, pleasure or OA), don't have time to...whatever.  Yet, I get home at night, run around frantic for an hour getting ready for the next day and then crash in front of the TV for the next however many hours.  The real truth is that I have the time, I'm just not willing to take it.  I think, at least in part, it has to do with control.  If I'm, for example, on a phone call, there's no controlling how long the call will last, and, therefore, it might mess up any other plans I've had.