What makes you angry?

Today was a trying day. I traveled with my husband and his choir to Hartford, CT for a concert. Lunch was too early, so I wasn't able to eat lunch (the church fed us). I had no money, so I wasn't able to eat when we stopped for food on the way home. I was really angry and irritable because I didn't get to eat. Mind you I wasn't hungry (a normal person would have been...I haven't eaten since 9:00 this morning). I was just mad because everyone else got food except me. After a while, I was able to calm down enough to think about the situation. I realized I was being very ridiculous. Yes, physically I needed food for nourishment and to be healthy. At the same time, I was NOT hungry and forgoing a midday meal did not negatively impact my life in any way. So, why was I so upset? Simply because food is so important to me.

Once I realized that, I realized just how crazy it all was. I mean, I was really enraged by the whole situation. Who gets ENRAGED about not eating? I know I've been like this A LOT in the past, but never have I ever realized it or looked at it through rational eyes before. After I convinced myself that I hadn't really lost anything by not eating, I was able to calm down. I'm still a little anxious, but I'm forcing myself to sit with it. When we got home, I had a cup of cocoa because I could feel that I needed some kind of nourishment and milk has protein. However, I didn't eat. Instead, I'm forcing myself to sit with this until I can have dinner with my husband. I know that, on one hand, it's not the best thing because I need my protein. At the same time, I feel it's therapeutic. I don't want to give into the anxiety and anger and therefore reinforce it. I'm trying something new...

wb Page 21 #1 In what ways am I willing to adopt a whole new attitude about weight control, body image, and eating?

This seems to be a perfect question considering what happened today. Mostly, I'm willing to look at myself honestly and feel and accept my feelings even when they're difficult and especially when they're uncomfortable. I am NOT willing to just give in because that's what I've always done in the past. As someone told me once, "If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got." What I always got was shame, misery and fat. So, I'm working on something different, and, so far, it's working for me.

In terms of body image. This is a hard one. It's easier, in many ways, to have a better body image because my body is changing in a way that I like. However, at every step I allow myself to say, "if this is as far as I get, I'm willing to take it..." Also, in some ways my body is changing in ways that I DON'T like...my skin is VERY flabby and, sometimes, downright embarrassing. However, I try to embrace that too. After all, I abused my body for many years, there is no reason it should turn out perfect now. Also, there is no such thing as perfection. I need to accept myself for who I am. My flabby skin is not ME, it's only PART of me.

I had another official weigh in today. I've lost 122.5 pounds. Woohoo! Another 2.5 pounds and I'll be 200...when I reach 199 I'm gonna have a party. :) I can't wait.

I found out today that I've been drinking too much coffee. :( We have to limit coffee intake because of it's propensity to cause ulcers. I've been keeping my intake at one cup a day...one 20 ounce cup, that is. The NP told me it should be closer to an 8 or 10 ounce cup. OOPS!

I'm trying to bring yogurt back into my diet. I've always loved yogurt but got sick of it after it became my staple for the first 3 or 4 months post-op. Not to mention, we're supposed to be eating plain Greek yogurt - plain because there's not sugar and Greek because it's much higher in protein. It certainly is NOT as tasty as many of the other yogurts out there, and it's VERY thick. But, I'm doing my best. Adding fresh fruit and a little Fiber One. We'll see how that goes.

Oh, the pain of it all!

I don't know how people eat around the surgery - this means that, regardless of the surgery, they still manage to eat more than they should thus maintaining a high weight or gaining weight back. I really DON'T know how people do it. I sure can't! Not that I want to or even trying to.

The reason I bring the topic up is that, occasionally, I eat too much. For example, last night I ate my dinner. About an hour and a half later, I decided to have my snack. Well, my stomach just wasn't ready for more food, and I spend the next hour wishing I could throw up! Even one bite too many (as I've learned) can lead to AGONY.

Before surgery, I ate myself to the point of nausea, but it was nothing like this. Pre-surgery it was kind of like, "Ok, I feel like throwing up now." Now, however, when I take that bite too much it's like...I don't even know how to describe it. It's just plain unbearable.

So, again, I ask, how can people torture themselves by eating around the surgery? Maybe they don't feel as I do when they overeat. After all, the surgery is different for everyone.

At the moment, I'm trying to make my way through breakfast - cheesey chicken and cauliflower soup (I don't really care for solids in the morning so, when I can, I make soup). It's earlier than I'm used to eating, so I'm really not in the mood for food. I'm just trying to do my best. The soup came out pretty good though!

Update

The picture I just posted was taken today. I'm about 6 1/2 months post-op, and I've lost about 115 pounds.

V for victory

I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself. Normally, I have 3 meals and a snack. Mostly, the snack is just because I don't get enough protein in during my meals, so it's to finish off my protein for the day. Yesterday, I got enough protein in - more than enough, somehow. When it came time for snack, I went looking for something, but didn't know what to eat. I didn't need protein, so I thought I'd treat myself to something different. However, there wasn't anything different that I wanted. Finally, I settled on my protein chips because I thought the crunch would be nice. In reality, though, I didn't need them. I wasn't even really hungry. I was just following habits.

I didn't eat the chips right away because I had eaten dinner late. I just had them sitting on the bed next to me. When the time came to finally eat them, I turned them down. I realized that not only did I not need them, I didn't WANT them. I was falling into old patterns of force-feeding myself JUST BECAUSE...just because the food was there...just because I could...just because I wanted to...

The fact that I was able to do that is a big deal for me. In the past, it was always so hard to say no to that yearning for food. Sometimes it still is, but I did it, and I'm pretty happy with myself!

Sweets for my sweetie

Last night, I desperately wanted something sweet! After I'd eaten my dinner I just really wanted something sweet, but I knew I wouldn't have room for it. About an hour later, I still wanted something, so I tried to think I about what I could have. I do have some chocolate in the house that I picked up yesterday, but I didn't want that. I'm saving that for my once a week treat, I didn't want my treat to be yesterday. Finally I settled on a clemintine. It's small, so I might have been able to fit it in my stomach, and they're very sweet, so I'd hoped it would stop my craving. However, as I lay there watching tv, I thought to myself, "but I don't NEED it. I've eaten enough for today and I'm not even hungry." So, I allowed myself to just live with the craving.

For me, that's HUGE. In the past, if I craved something, I HAD to feed the craving. I couldn't live with it. It would just get worse and worse until I was certain I was going to go mad. Plus, it was always like there was a child inside my head throwing a temper tantrum, "I want it and I want it NOW!"

This morning, the craving is gone. I'm eating a regular breakfast and I haven't gone mad because I didn't eat something sweet last night.

Okay now on to Step two:

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Work book page 11 # 1

1. As I look with the complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?

Well, up until the point I began OA, I was convinced I was going to eat myself to death. There were even times I would sit with a big greasy burger covered with mayonnaise and french fries ALSO covered with mayo and though to myself, "I'm going to die. One of these days, I'm going to just have a heart attack and die.

Yet, I continued, to munching right away on the food that was going to kill me.

I also would get angry at people for taking my food - a fry off my plate, for example. I mean ANGRY! Don't EVER get between my food and me, not if you want to keep your fingers. I still get angry. I try not to, but now I get angry for a different reason. I have to weigh and measure everything. If someone takes a morsel from me, it messes with my count. Then what? Do I add more? Life without it? What if that one bite leaves me hungry at the end of the meal?

I have emotional reactions to food...crying or anger when I can't have what I want. Actual heartfelt love when I get something I really enjoy! I HATE this! It's just food! Why the hell do I have FEELINGS for it?

Going crazy!

Well, my food has been really good. The last 3 or 4 days have been really rough. Sweets have REALLY been calling me. I actually yelled at my husband on Friday. He was eating cookies in bed. I asked him not to put the plate next to me, and he didn't understand my request. I got angry and yelled at him about how I can't eat certain foods and it really gets to me, and I've been good for a month and blah, blah, blah.

However, my dietitian did say it's ok to treat myself once a week. Since I've been jonesing for something sweet, I decided to try some sugar free chocolate. I bought some NASTY stuff from the grocery store. It wasn't that great, but it did hit the spot, I suppose. I do still feel angry about not being able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, but I am also realizing I need to learn to live with food - as both my dietitian and my therapist tell me. I have to learn to treat myself to something fun, without going overboard or without dipping into trigger foods. I think it's so interesting how trigger foods work...chocolate is not a trigger. I can drink half a cup of sugar free cocoa and feel satisfied or portion of protein pretzels without going crazy. Put sugar in the chocolate or wheat in the pretzels, and I can't control myself!

I'm glad to have awareness, though. It makes it so much easier to make the right choices - even when I'm angry or feeling sorry for myself. And as my body changes and I notice something new I can do - like last week when I made it through an entire dance class and even jumped and hopped - I find it easier to turn food down. Feeling good feels SO much better than anything food can give me. And I keep thinking, "Nothing is so bad that food can't make it worse." I keep reminding myself of how bad I feel EMOTIONALLY when I eat...I certainly don't want that. Food just doesn't bring me pleasure anymore. I guess I'm at that point in my addiction where the drug no longer makes me feel good. I just use it to survive...to feel normal, well, while I was using.