Going crazy!

Well, my food has been really good. The last 3 or 4 days have been really rough. Sweets have REALLY been calling me. I actually yelled at my husband on Friday. He was eating cookies in bed. I asked him not to put the plate next to me, and he didn't understand my request. I got angry and yelled at him about how I can't eat certain foods and it really gets to me, and I've been good for a month and blah, blah, blah.

However, my dietitian did say it's ok to treat myself once a week. Since I've been jonesing for something sweet, I decided to try some sugar free chocolate. I bought some NASTY stuff from the grocery store. It wasn't that great, but it did hit the spot, I suppose. I do still feel angry about not being able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, but I am also realizing I need to learn to live with food - as both my dietitian and my therapist tell me. I have to learn to treat myself to something fun, without going overboard or without dipping into trigger foods. I think it's so interesting how trigger foods work...chocolate is not a trigger. I can drink half a cup of sugar free cocoa and feel satisfied or portion of protein pretzels without going crazy. Put sugar in the chocolate or wheat in the pretzels, and I can't control myself!

I'm glad to have awareness, though. It makes it so much easier to make the right choices - even when I'm angry or feeling sorry for myself. And as my body changes and I notice something new I can do - like last week when I made it through an entire dance class and even jumped and hopped - I find it easier to turn food down. Feeling good feels SO much better than anything food can give me. And I keep thinking, "Nothing is so bad that food can't make it worse." I keep reminding myself of how bad I feel EMOTIONALLY when I eat...I certainly don't want that. Food just doesn't bring me pleasure anymore. I guess I'm at that point in my addiction where the drug no longer makes me feel good. I just use it to survive...to feel normal, well, while I was using.