What makes you angry?

Today was a trying day. I traveled with my husband and his choir to Hartford, CT for a concert. Lunch was too early, so I wasn't able to eat lunch (the church fed us). I had no money, so I wasn't able to eat when we stopped for food on the way home. I was really angry and irritable because I didn't get to eat. Mind you I wasn't hungry (a normal person would have been...I haven't eaten since 9:00 this morning). I was just mad because everyone else got food except me. After a while, I was able to calm down enough to think about the situation. I realized I was being very ridiculous. Yes, physically I needed food for nourishment and to be healthy. At the same time, I was NOT hungry and forgoing a midday meal did not negatively impact my life in any way. So, why was I so upset? Simply because food is so important to me.

Once I realized that, I realized just how crazy it all was. I mean, I was really enraged by the whole situation. Who gets ENRAGED about not eating? I know I've been like this A LOT in the past, but never have I ever realized it or looked at it through rational eyes before. After I convinced myself that I hadn't really lost anything by not eating, I was able to calm down. I'm still a little anxious, but I'm forcing myself to sit with it. When we got home, I had a cup of cocoa because I could feel that I needed some kind of nourishment and milk has protein. However, I didn't eat. Instead, I'm forcing myself to sit with this until I can have dinner with my husband. I know that, on one hand, it's not the best thing because I need my protein. At the same time, I feel it's therapeutic. I don't want to give into the anxiety and anger and therefore reinforce it. I'm trying something new...

wb Page 21 #1 In what ways am I willing to adopt a whole new attitude about weight control, body image, and eating?

This seems to be a perfect question considering what happened today. Mostly, I'm willing to look at myself honestly and feel and accept my feelings even when they're difficult and especially when they're uncomfortable. I am NOT willing to just give in because that's what I've always done in the past. As someone told me once, "If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got." What I always got was shame, misery and fat. So, I'm working on something different, and, so far, it's working for me.

In terms of body image. This is a hard one. It's easier, in many ways, to have a better body image because my body is changing in a way that I like. However, at every step I allow myself to say, "if this is as far as I get, I'm willing to take it..." Also, in some ways my body is changing in ways that I DON'T like...my skin is VERY flabby and, sometimes, downright embarrassing. However, I try to embrace that too. After all, I abused my body for many years, there is no reason it should turn out perfect now. Also, there is no such thing as perfection. I need to accept myself for who I am. My flabby skin is not ME, it's only PART of me.