UGH!

I'm not sure what was going on, but last night was a tough night! I was jonesing for food even though I wasn't even hungry. Not only was I not hungry, I was stuffed...full! I had not room at the in, so to speak!

We celebrated my in-law's anniversary yesterday. We went out to lunch. I ordered a steak and then cut it up over a small salad. Before that, I had some chicken broth (the place we went has the best chicken soup EVER!). Well, everyone else ate WAY faster than I can eat. So, everyone was done eating, and I wasn't even half way through. Therefore, I started eating faster, because I didn't want everyone waiting for me...ohhhh...my stomach hurt so much by the time I was done! I won't do THAT again.

Then, in the evening, I still had to eat, but my stomach still hurt. I made a little taco salad for myself and forced it down...
Yet, when I was done, and although I was totally uncomfortable, I was still craving food! It made absolutely no sense to me. I'm not sure where my head was at, but I made some tea and called it a night.

I don't think I want to eat out anymore. It's too hard. First, without measuring, I often seem to eat too much. Even though I try to take my time, I still somehow always am uncomfortable by the time the meal is over. Second, like with what happened yesterday, everyone always finishes way before I can. I think, from now on, I'll just have a drink and enjoy the company or bring a little snack with me to much while everyone else has their meal. It's totally not worth the discomfort.

Since Thursday, I've been craving apple pie. There was an apple pie (store bought) on our Thanksgiving table and it smelled so good! I've been craving it ever since. So, this afternoon, I stopped at the grocery store and picked up some apples, splenda brown sugar, and walnuts. Then I found an apple crisp recipe and played with it...
I cut up 4 apples. Tossed in a tablespoon of lemon juice, a teaspoon of cinnamon, 1/2 teaspoon each of minced cloves and nutmeg, a tablespoon of vanilla, and about 1/4 cup of splenda. For the topping I mixed the chopped walnuts and 1/4 cup each of splenda granulated and splenda brown sugar and sprinkled it over the top. Then I topped it with a few thin slices of butter (but I don't think I needed the butter, it didn't seem to make any difference). I baked it in the oven for 40 minutes and it came out GREAT! It's just a little too sweet, so I'll cut down on the splenda next time. I can't wait to have dessert tonight! That is, of course, if I have room for dessert.

I don't often treat myself to something that's not protein, but I'm getting bored with my protein snacks, so I thought it would be nice to treat myself. It's a semi-healthy snack, and I plan to only eat small amounts at a time. We'll see how it works out.

Well, time to run. I have to finish preparing dinner. We have guests coming over tonight!

I have survived!

Well, folks, I DID IT!! I made it through my first post-surgery holiday. WOOHOO!!! I had dinner with my in laws. My mother-in-law made turkey (of course), stuffing (hers is the BEST I've ever had!), collared greens, macaroni and cheese (sooooo creamy), candied yams, and rice. For dessert we had apple pie, banana bread, and cake. Great stuff!

I was tempted for a minute by the mac n cheese. I thought to myself, "I'll just taste one noodle." But I didn't let myself do it. I was too afraid that one noodle would lead to a plateful. I just had a little turkey (I had no scale, so I had to guess at what 3 ounces would be on my plate) and a few bites of collared greens (mostly because my husband is very concerned that I'm not eating veggies...usually, I just don't have the room for them).

I was very satisfied with what I had. I didn't even notice the stuffing on the table. I didn't miss it or the corn or the mashed potatoes or even the mac n cheese, once I got started. It was so nice! I didn't stuff myself. I ate nice and slow, enjoying the company and the food that was on my plate.

Once it was time for dessert, I admit, the pie was killing me. It smelled SOOOOO great, but I tried to just enjoy the smell and not think about what I was missing. Instead, I made myself a cup of sweet tea (with artificial sweetener, of course). Later, I had some protein chips because I found I wasn't really in the mood for anything sweet.

So, I'm excited to say, getting through Thanksgiving was far easier than I expected it to be. It seems that, the further I get from my "drug" foods, the easier it is to turn them down. It's been over 5 months since I've eaten like that, and now my head is much clearer. I no longer feel the physical draw to eat these things like before. In the past, food called my every cell. When I smelled something, I HAD to eat it. I didn't have the will to make a choice. Now, I have a choice...the freedom is really amazing.

And the winner is...

Me! :)

Wanna hear something funny? We get these "personnel bulletins" on a regular basis through work e-mail. This morning, I opened my e-mail and the bulletin was "is weight loss surgery right for you?" I would have to say, YES!

I had my doc appointment yesterday. They're very happy with my progress. I'm down 82 pounds...in 5 months, I lost more than I did in 2 years of Weight Watchers. WOW! And this time, I'm keeping it off! I'm working very hard to follow all the rules and directions and only eating what I should be eating when I should be eating it. Right now, I'm having a yummy protein shake. I kinda like drinking my breakfast. It's actually more relaxing that eating.

Healthwise, I feel awesome. The dietitian went over my blood work with my yesterday and everything was pretty much normal...things that were low or high pre-surgery are perfect now. I just have to work on my good cholesterol. So, when I go shopping today, I have to buy ground flax seed. She said regular exercise will help too.

That's the one area I've been lacking in since we moved. I got a treadmill for the house from a friend, but it's very old and doesn't quite support my weight yet, so I don't like it. Although many mornings I'm awake by six, I just can't convince myself to get out of bed. :( Mornings before work are my best time to exercise.

So, I've made a goal for myself. I'm next appointment is 4 weeks away. I'm 18 pounds from losing 100 pounds. This last month I lost 14 pounds. Therefore, if I keep my protein up and add exercise, I bet I can lose 18 pounds in 4 weeks. So, hitting the 100 pound mark will be my motivation to get my ass out of bed in the morning!

What a headache...

I have a thumping headache today 'cause I haven't been sleeping. Stress, it's a killer!

Anyway, food just isn't my thing these days. I've been doing 2 shakes and a meal. It's easier, and I just don't feel like dealing with food. Although, at my meeting last night they said if we eat too much protein, we'll loose faster. Of course, the down side to that is that we can damage our organs. Is fast weight loss really worth that? Hmmm...I would think not. What's the point of being thin if I'm on my death bed?

The new black?

When I looked into my hotmail, the banner ad on the right side was for a bariatric surgery clinic.
Before seriously looking into surgery back in April, I didn't realize how popular - how widespread - bariatric surgery had become. I'd seen lap-band commercials on tv and billboards, but I guess I didn't pay enough attention. Now, though, I see it everywhere - tv, billboards, mailers, banner ads. EVERYWHERE!

I don't regret my decision, AT ALL. I absolutely believe I've made the right decision for saving my life. Saving myself from myself. However, I find myself a little concerned that this surgery is so widespread and advertised like a pair of new sneakers. What exactly does this mean? That we can be lazy about how we eat because someone with a scalpel will always be there to save us? I don't think so, because there is so much work that has to be done both pre- and post-surgery. If you don't commit to the work, you'll just end up where you were before.

Is bariatric surgery to food addicts what methadone is to heroine addicts? Perhaps. Maybe this is the only rescue for those of us trapped on a hamster wheel that we can't seem to escape.
So, then, does that mean that food addiction runs deeper through our society than we imagine?

Yeah, I know, I'm just rambling here, but it's something I've been rolling around in my head for a little while now...well...since I had surgery myself and realize just how many people have one form of bariatric surgery or another each day! Thousands of us running around with abnormal stomach structures or foreign materials in our bellies.

What I do know, is that I am very grateful that there was something out there to free me from my bondage. I had tried so many diets and groups and...other things...I had finally come to the pit of dispair, certain that I wouldn't live for too much longer.
Of course, I also know that this isn't a "cure." Every day I have to be on my guard against temptation. I have to keep working on my head as well...learning better ways to deal with things and reward myself than with food. So far...so good...although I still REALLY want pizza!

Spy vs. Spy

I've been checking out some other blogs. Mine seriously SUCKS! I need to find time to get more technically and picturey and stuff! Add links. Whathaveyou. Sometime...when I'm rich and famous and don't have to work hard to put food on the table (mostly for my hubby since I don't eat much these days).

The last few days food has not been my friend. This morning I was sick, sick, sick. I didn't want to go to work, but I somehow managed to make it in. I don't know what made my sick as I haven't really changed my diet any. The only thing I did was try a new protien shake, but I don't think that's what sent my stomach to hell-o and back. (The shake is pretty nasty. It's like drinking lightly sweetened sand, but it doesn't mess with my stomach, so I'm trying to convince myself to like it)

I drank most of my shake for breakfast this morning. For lunch, I had lunch meat rolled in swiss cheese. Not the healthiest, I know, but it's easy finger food when driving. I had some veggies packed as well, but just no room for them. For dinner, I've planned a salad with chicken and olives. We'll see if I can get all that down. For my evening snack, I've ordered some new chip flavors, so I'm going to try those.

The most difficult part about this surgery, so far, is really being able to 1. supplement. As you know, supplements and I have had a continuing struggle with each other, and 2. packing healthy things for they day. I'm ALWAYS on the run - often leaving my house at 7:30 in the morning and not returning until 8 or 9:30 at night. I'm finding it hard to pack great meals to eat on the run. I keep looking, though.

The increadible shrinking woman

Well, I'm pretty darn excited! On a lark, I decided to look through the smaller clothes in my closet and see if anything fit - I have clothes down to a size 16 that I got from a woman through Weight Watchers 2 years ago. Turns out, I now fit into an 18. WOOOOHOOOO!!! I don't know WHEN I was in the teens before. I know I was wearing 12/14 when I was 13 because my father's wife made me wear her clothes. Other than that...I just don't know.

NOW I have some nice clothes to wear! I have a suit I can use if I get anymore interviews.

I have to tell you I was practically dancing around the house in my "new" clothes. I guess in another month, I'll REALLY have to go shopping. Right now I'm an 18, but I had been wearing 26/28s that I'd hemmed and stitched - no wonder my therapist said I looked like I was wearin MC Hammer pants!

Feed Me, Seymore!

I don't like feeling hunger! The problem is, there's no warning. It just sneaks right up on me. One minute I'm fine, the next minute I'm STARVING! At my support group meeting last night they said I need to keep more snacks on hand. I've never done that before because 1. I never needed them and 2. I'm afraid of eating too many calories throughout the day. 3. I'm supposed to stop drinking 30 minutes before eating. If I have no warning of hunger, how am I supposed to stop drinking? Finally, what am I going to carry as a snack? I can't eat most protein supplements. Nuts make me dump. They don't want us eating protein bars because they have too many carbs, although I do have one that I use once or twice a week because I just have no choice. I guess I'll have to start carrying fruit around or something. Vegetables do nothing for me. They don't fill me up AT ALL, so having them around as a snack won't help.

Anyone out there have any ideas??? I'm stumped. I'd say boiled eggs, but they don't want us eating more than an egg a day...although one egg for a snack in the afternoon might work out well. I don't know...

Today, hunger set in at 3:00. Problem was, I can't eat dinner until about 5:15! FORTUNATELY, I didn't finish my breakfast this morning. I had about 4 bites of egg left in my bag so I scarfed them down quickly.

I really don't want to get into the habit of snacking. Technically, we're only supposed to eat 3 meals and one small snack per day. I just need to find something I can carry around, without it going bad, just in case. One person recommended jerky (I was going to get venison jerky at the state fair this summer but the booth wasn't there. :( ). I guess I'll have to swing by the grocery store on the way home tonight and see if I can find anything for tomorrow.