I'm no ostrich!

Ok...homework...

W.B. page 8 # 6

Do I believe only an honest admission to myself of the reality of my condition can save me from my destructive eating?

I don't know what else to say to this but - YES. For a long time I tried to avoid the truth about my condition. I would be fine if...It wasn't until last year that I came to the heartbreaking truth - only in admitting my disease and seeking help would I ever be able to overcome it. It's been hard admitting it. Not so much in admitting it to myself, but in terms of being honest with others about it because they don't understand and sometimes don't even want to accept it.

I suppose it's like dealing with a major illness. If one has cancer or heart disease, but chooses to keep their head in the sand, not only will they never heal the disease, but they'll most likely die! And cause many others in their life to suffer as well

I stayed on track yesterday - I didn't eat anything I shouldn't have. The hardest part, honestly, was not getting what I wanted. When I feel I have little control over what I eat, or can't eat what I planned for, I get very upset. No matter what I end up eating, I feel as though I have't eaten. I feel I've been gypped. Inside, I throw a temper tantrum like I spoiled 5 year old.

I really don't like this about myself. It's something I feel I really need to work on. Food is food. It's meant to nurish! I shouldn't get upset about what I did or didn't have. Instead, I should be grateful I had anything to eat at all!

Although I know this intellectually, I think it'll be a long time before I grasp it emotionally. I am so emotionally attached to food. It's going to talk time to let go...maybe I never will completely.

Today's assignment:

workbook pag 6, d.

Am I in touch with my feelings, or have I buried my and anger and fear in false cheerfulness?

I used to bury my feelings deep, very deep. It was like I had this black well near my bellybutton and that's where they all were. Even happiness, love and joy were buried because it was dangerous to feel good - one never knew when disaster would strike and all the good stuff would be taken away. It was just too risky to feel good and too difficult to feel bad. If the feelings started to surface, I would cover them with food or physical pain.

Lately, though - over the last 6 months - I've been able to start pulling those layers of feeling out one by one, feel them, accept them for what they are, and lay them aside. It's certainly not aways easy. Dealing with feelings about my parents, for example, is terrible! There is so much pain. I want to hate them. Yet, I love them. Everything is mixed and mingled...

But when I'm able to be brave and do the work, the ways I grow and change are amazing. I love the way my life becomes fuller. Mostly, I learn that 1. I don't have to be afraid all the time and 2. I am a worthwhile person and can be taken care of.

I miss things...

I'm at work. One of the guys had a big ol' bacon cheeseburger and fries. MAN do I want to just dive in!!!

I miss cereal too. I don't know what to eat for breakfast anymore...I've been eating eggs and turkey bacon every day! I know that's not the healthiest, but I just don't know what else to do. I have to eat protein. Cereal isn't protein. Protein shakes don't fill me up. Plus, I don't really care for the taste of them anymore. I guess I could try going back to yogurt. I had some about a month ago, and I just didn't care for it. I have to eat the Greek yogurt and it's very thick...life's rough when you have restrictions. :(

Protein bars might be nice, but I'm not supposed to eat them. Too many carbs.

Sorry...just complaining 'cause I'm starting to get bored with my diet.

I also miss fruits and veggies. Most meals, I just don't have the room for veggies. Today, I forced myself to eat my squash. Now, I have a stomach ache 'cause it was too much food (6 oz altogether).

Truthfully, I've allowed myself to get busy with other things. I need to dive back into my cookbooks and whip up some new recipes. Perhaps that'll help. Something that does NOT include chicken.

This is IT!

Well, I had my latest appointment with the dietitian today. Good news...I've lost 100.5 pounds. WOOHOO!! I'm pretty excited about that. In terms of clothing size...well...I'm the same size I was when I was twelve (which isn't saying much since I'm a size 14). However, I'm pretty excited. They gave me a very nice certificate and everything. It made my day. :)

Food, glorious food!

Yeah, I'm working on that as my mantra as well. In Weight Watchers they'd say nothing tastes as good as thin feels. I always hated it! If nothing tasted as good as thin felt, then I never would have gotten fat! However, nothing does taste as good as abstinence feels...it's easy to forget that, but when I remember it, I know it's so true.

Are there any particular foods or eating behaviors which give me trouble?

Most certainly! Sugar and wheat I know cause real problems for me. Once I start in on them, I can never get enough. It becomes a snowballing obsession, and I only want more and more until they literally become my entire diet. I can't even make rational decisions about them. When confronted with a cake or a pizza, my mind becomes cloudy, and I find it very difficult to make a good decision about whether or not to eat them. This is why, if I know I'm going to be confronted with these kinds of foods, I make my decision BEFORE the confrontation happens. Often, that helps. It's even better if I tell someone my decision, because then they can remind me if I prepare to cave in.

I think other starchy foods such as potatoes and rice might be problematic as well, but I'm not 100% sure. I know they turn to sugar in the body, but I don't know how I would react to them now that I am clean of sugar and wheat. I haven't tried them and I have no intention of trying them any time soon. Once I reach my goal weight and the doc says I can start integrating them into my diet, I'll slowly give them a shot and see what happens...maybe.

What I do know is that, the diet I have now which is predominately meat, protein supplements, fruits, vegetables, and dairy, seems to be working well for me. My obsessive food thoughts are less. I am able to eat my serving and be satisfied, and I am often able to turn down the compulsion to eat when I am not hungry.

What does Food do for You?

I had a terrible nightmare last night that I gave in and ate some sugar. I don't remember what it was, but I remember feeling HORRIBLE about it. I've been abstinent since Sunday and giving that up was excruciating. I think the dream was caused by the fact that my husband baked himself a cake yesterday. The dream was very upsetting, but I was so relieved to wake up and realize it was just a dream.

How have I used excess food to escape life's problems?

I have finally been able to pinpoint how food makes me feel - ecstatic! It seems to be the best feeling on earth...at least while I'm eating it. The emotional crash afterward isn't so hot. Anyways, I used food in three ways.

First, to parent myself. When I needed to be taken care of, I turned to food. It was the one thing that never let me down and was always there. I parented myself by comforting myself with what tasted good and made me feel good.

Second, to make myself feel better. Food soothed the aches and pains - at least temporarily. When I didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling, food smoothed the feelings over and made me feel calmer.

Third, to stuff. If I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, I used food to stuff the feelings. It was like putting a layer over the "bad stuff" and pushing it down. Burying the bad feelings, the pain, the anger, whatever it was. Sometimes, it was also a punishment. If I didn't think I should be feeling the way I was, I would stuff myself as punishment because I knew I'd get fat and feel bad about myself.

A few more thoughts...

As I said before, I thought it might be useful to share some of my OA thoughts. It's all rather personal, but I'm not doing this just for me. I'm hoping someone else out there might get some use out of it, so here goes...

There are 2 things that have been on my mind. One is obsession with what I'm going to eat later...through the whole meeting tonight, all I could think about was what my snack would be tonight - was I going to have the protein chips or a shake. Back and forth all evening long. It was driving me CRAZY because it really wasn't all that important. However, this happens to me a lot. I hate obsessing about food. In the end, I chose the chips simply because I need the shakes for work and cannot afford to buy more this month. It really sucks being broke...often times I cannot afford the things I need to make this journey work...

The other thing that's been on my mind is perfection. It actually came up in a story that was read this evening. The person who wrote the story said he doesn't worry about perfection because he cannot be perfect. However...I worry about it. If I slip up one day and chose to have a slice of cake or try a few french fries, have I completely thrown my abstinence out the window? Do I start all over again from square one? Or am I ok because I did abstain from compulsive over-eating? This is a tough one for me. Both my therapist and dietitian keep telling me I have to learn to live with food. I don't particularly want to give up any foods forever, but if I don't...It seems like a vicious circle to me.

Workbook page two: What other solutions( to overeating) have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for solutions outside of oa?

I am no longer looking for solutions outside of OA, but I am using solutions...or at least tools...outside of OA. These tools would be my surgery and my therapist. They have been very helpful. The surgery helps me to maintain portion control. It also helps me to stay away from my trigger foods because I have to focus on eating protein in order to stay healthy. My therapist helps me to continue working on the emotional issues that contribute to my compulsive overeating.

Other solutions I've tried in the past are dieting, puring, starving, diet pills, exercise, diet clubs, and mail order diets. There probably were other things too...like shaming myself. None of them worked. Weight Watchers was the closest thing that ever came to working...in that I lost weight, but my head never changed and, eventually, the weight came back.

As Previously discussed...

Here is my first OA homework for your viewing pleasure...

1."In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesety-the dieting, starving, overexercising, or purging". Here is a first-step inventory of my compulsive eating history.

My compulsive eating history...Food has always had a significant place in my life, I guess. I remember going on my first diet when I was around 5 years old. I didn't mind so much - I got to eat a lot of yogurt, and I really liked yogurt - but I missed some of the good stuff too, I guess. I really remember food becoming important to me when I was around 10. My father re-married for the third time and his new wife resented my sister and me. I got very involved with eating food - the fatter I became, the more she took away, the more I stole to sneak in hiding.

Since then, there has never been enough food in my life. I horde food. I buy food that I never eat, just to have it in the house. It makes me feel good. I also insist on feeding others, because them eating when I can't have makes me feel better as well.

I've been on every diet under the sun, I think. I've binged. I've purged. I even tried starving myself, but that didn't last too long because I missed food too much. Just about every moment of every day is concerned with food. What will I eat for my next meal? Will I like it? Should I choose something else? Will I be missing out on something? What if life gets in my way, and I can't have that thing I've chosen?

Since my surgery, I've been able to think a little more clearly about food. I was forced into detox because I couldn't eat for over a month, and then slowly introduced only proteins and fruits and vegetables. However, I've learned that it is easy to become cloudy again. It's as though I always have to be at the top of my game. If I let my guard down, food will sneak up on me faster than I can say NO! I do find peace in my proteins, fruits and vegetables. These are not foods that cloud my mind. They are foods that I can enjoy, and then let go when I'm done eating. I do, though, still obsess a bit about when I'll eat, and what. Sometimes it scares me to see so little on my plate because I'm afraid there won't be enough. But if I eat slow, and mindfully, I get through and see that I am ok.

Recovery

Well, I've decided to get back into recovery...meaning that I've returner to Overeater's Anonymous. I had gone for a little while last year - before my surgery, but stopped going when I decided to have surgery because I didn't think they'd be very accepting of my decision. During a Christmas party, however, I found myself wishing I had a sponsor! I was really struggling with not being able to eat certain foods, and it really would have helped to talk to someone with the same issues. After some encouragement from an old OA friend, I finally went to a meeting this past Saturday...

It was like coming home! Those who knew me from before, were very glad to see me. No one judged me for my decision and many were encouraging that I made the right decision for myself. By Sunday, I had a sponsor.

I feel good. My therapist wonders if I'm really "addicted" to food (meaning pure physical need/response to certain types of food). She thinks my problem is more emotional and that, someday, I should be able to enjoy every food out there. I don't know. What I do know is that foods made with wheat, high in sugar, starches, or fried are foods that I really struggle with and crave. I can't have just one or a little bit or a healthy slice. I need to have it ALL. Yes, folks, I can sit down and eat an ENTIRE package of oreos. I can eat an entire pizza on my own. Fast food? FORGETABOUTIT! I would go to McDonald's AND Burger King back to back...mostly because I couldn't decide, burger or nuggets? So I'd get both. Well, all this pre-surgery. There isn't enough room for it now, but I bet I could eat it at least until I threw up and felt VERY uncomfortable.

Whatever my problem with food...whether it be emotional, or physical addiction, I don't want to ruin this surgery. I often fear that I'm eating too much and stretching my pouch - especially when I'm out to eat and can't measure my food. I've decided that, for now, when I go out to eat, maybe I should just have soup. Then, when I get home, I can have a protein shake.

I wish I was more regular with my blogging...maybe I'll start putting my OA homework on here. That's a daily thing...If I was more regular, maybe more people would read this...people like me who just need encouragement. It's not easy having issues with food, because we have to eat every day. And most people don't understand where we're coming from. "One piece won't hurt you...I won't tell anyone...It's the holidays..." The problem is, it's one piece everyday...no one is going to tell anyone...and the holidays run all year 'round...

No one encourages an alcoholic to just take one drink...