I had a terrible nightmare last night that I gave in and ate some sugar. I don't remember what it was, but I remember feeling HORRIBLE about it. I've been abstinent since Sunday and giving that up was excruciating. I think the dream was caused by the fact that my husband baked himself a cake yesterday. The dream was very upsetting, but I was so relieved to wake up and realize it was just a dream.
How have I used excess food to escape life's problems?
I have finally been able to pinpoint how food makes me feel - ecstatic! It seems to be the best feeling on earth...at least while I'm eating it. The emotional crash afterward isn't so hot. Anyways, I used food in three ways.
First, to parent myself. When I needed to be taken care of, I turned to food. It was the one thing that never let me down and was always there. I parented myself by comforting myself with what tasted good and made me feel good.
Second, to make myself feel better. Food soothed the aches and pains - at least temporarily. When I didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling, food smoothed the feelings over and made me feel calmer.
Third, to stuff. If I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, I used food to stuff the feelings. It was like putting a layer over the "bad stuff" and pushing it down. Burying the bad feelings, the pain, the anger, whatever it was. Sometimes, it was also a punishment. If I didn't think I should be feeling the way I was, I would stuff myself as punishment because I knew I'd get fat and feel bad about myself.
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