I stayed on track yesterday - I didn't eat anything I shouldn't have. The hardest part, honestly, was not getting what I wanted. When I feel I have little control over what I eat, or can't eat what I planned for, I get very upset. No matter what I end up eating, I feel as though I have't eaten. I feel I've been gypped. Inside, I throw a temper tantrum like I spoiled 5 year old.

I really don't like this about myself. It's something I feel I really need to work on. Food is food. It's meant to nurish! I shouldn't get upset about what I did or didn't have. Instead, I should be grateful I had anything to eat at all!

Although I know this intellectually, I think it'll be a long time before I grasp it emotionally. I am so emotionally attached to food. It's going to talk time to let go...maybe I never will completely.

Today's assignment:

workbook pag 6, d.

Am I in touch with my feelings, or have I buried my and anger and fear in false cheerfulness?

I used to bury my feelings deep, very deep. It was like I had this black well near my bellybutton and that's where they all were. Even happiness, love and joy were buried because it was dangerous to feel good - one never knew when disaster would strike and all the good stuff would be taken away. It was just too risky to feel good and too difficult to feel bad. If the feelings started to surface, I would cover them with food or physical pain.

Lately, though - over the last 6 months - I've been able to start pulling those layers of feeling out one by one, feel them, accept them for what they are, and lay them aside. It's certainly not aways easy. Dealing with feelings about my parents, for example, is terrible! There is so much pain. I want to hate them. Yet, I love them. Everything is mixed and mingled...

But when I'm able to be brave and do the work, the ways I grow and change are amazing. I love the way my life becomes fuller. Mostly, I learn that 1. I don't have to be afraid all the time and 2. I am a worthwhile person and can be taken care of.