Outta touch with reality...I wish!

Hey, all. Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been busy with work and on the road. I had my first trip this weekend - went upstate for the fair. I was nervous about how it'd all work out, but it was ok. It was hard not measuring my food, though, and I'm sure I ate too much.

At my dietitian's urging I tried a different kind of protein - egg protein. It didn't make me throw up, but it was pretty nasty. My yogurt smoothies have the same amount of calories of I don't add fruit and the same amount of protein, so I'm just going to stick with them.

This last doc appointment was pretty disappointing. I was up half a pound. She told me not to be too concerned; there were a lot a lot of factors that could have contributed - protein consumption was down, constipation, I hadn't been exercising...so...I just have to get back up on the old horse.

My biggest thought these days is about food obsession. Several people over the last week or so have told me that I am obsessed with food. Honestly, I don't want to be. It's exhausting, but I don't know how NOT to be obsessed with food! First off, I kind of have to be right now in order to ensure that I eat enough protein. But I know I've always been obsessed with food. I think about it all day long - what's my next meal going to be? Where will it come from? How much? When...on and on the thoughts and questions go. It takes a lot of time and mental energy. Before I've even touched breakfast I'm thinking about lunch. Halfway to lunchtime, I'm thinking about dinner.

I don't know how to get out of that process. I don't like it, especially now that people are pointing it out to me. It's embarrassing. How does someone who is OCD get over thinking about washing their hands all the time?
It's not just an obsession with food...it's worry. I WORRY about food...and it drains me. And it affects my relationships with others. And sometimes it makes me feel like I am going to go right out of my head!

Excuse me, sir, can I buy a magazine rack for all my issues?

Well, it's been a rough couple of days. Suddenly, I can't keep anything down. It's par for the course, I know, but it works on the mind anyway. Yesterday I got up nice and early, so I could get ready for work and fix some protein supplements and so on. Well, I ended up gagging the whole way to work. It was very unnerving. I considered not going to work, but I made it through the morning. Suddenly, now, the protein powder and my stomach just don't want to get along (I'm trying to force my way through some mixed with hot tea right now, but I don't know if I'm going to make it). The problem is, I don't have many options left.

Yesterday afternoon I bought some isopure. It's a protein drink that looks kind of like juice or koolaid. I don't really care for it either because it's very dry and scrapes along your tongue like the fuzz on a peace. However, I'm mixing it with crystal light in hopes that will make it a little better.

I don't know how anyone uses this stuff willingly! I mean...all this supplementation is a HUGE business (just step into your local Vitamin Shoppe or GNC and you'll see what I'm talking about). Yet most of the stuff - at least that I've experienced thus far - is not pleasant. I haven't yet come across a supplement that made me say, "Why, that's just plain good stuff! I'd take that over a hunk of chocolate cake any day!"

Post number two...

I saw the doc on Tuesday. I'm finally able to start eating!!! YAY!!! Nothing major...but I don't even have to puree. I can try about 3 ounces of meat and about 1.5 ounces of veggies once a day. I haven't done it yet. Last night I had pea soup. It was very yummy but TOO salty (it was the canned stuff). I've been off processed food for over 2 months now. I guess that's long enough to wash the stuff out of my system, and I'm no longer used to it. I actually think that's a good thing. There are so many added "things" in processed soup that I don't need to be or even shouldn't be eating. If I don't eat processed food, I don't have to worry about getting that stuff into my body. Yeah, it'll make life less convenient sometimes, but I'll deal. I love cooking. I can also start freezing more...making 4 servings, freezing 2 for a day when I don't have time to cook. I'm just glad for the opportunity to attempt food and move a little further away from the protein supplements.

Speaking of protein...how am I supplementing? I have unflavored protein, and when I can, I try to add it to my food. I figure the more of that I can do, the fewer shooters I have to gag my way through. Right now, I'm drinking coffee with protein powder added to it. It was a suggestion a woman made at the support group on Monday. I think it was a great idea! I get my coffee and my protein too.

Today, I made another soup...but this soup is homemade. I'm going to try it for lunch after I go for my walk. In the literature Tracy gave us Monday night it suggested that, month one after surgery we should try walking one mile per day. Month two we should walk two miles per day, and month three we should be up to two miles per day. So, I'm trying to walk 2 miles a day since I'm in month two (can you believe I'm in week 5 already??). It takes me almost an hour to do since I'm not walking that fast right now. Hopefully by the time I get up to 3 miles, I'll be walking a little faster!

That being said, time for me to head out! I needa walk, then eat, then get ready for work (not so sure if I like working evenings. It makes the day weird).

It sounded so easy...

Ya know, when I started this journey, it all sounded so easy. Just make your way through the surgery, have some protein, drink your water and everything will be a-okay. WELL, that's just because you just want it really bad so...in your head...you make it easy - hear what you want, see what you want, toss the rest.

In REALITY, it's a rather time-consuming process. "Don't stress," they told me on Tuesday at my last appointment. Don't stress? DON'T STRESS??? How can I not stress? If I don't eat enough protein, I don't lose weight, and I don't get to stay healthy. But, I can't eat enough food yet to get my daily protein. So...I have to use protein supplements. Truth be told, most protein supplements taste NASTY! At least they do post surgery (you're tastes change, I'll explain more of that later on down the blog). So, you and up gagging and choking down stuff that you can hardly stomach. The better the product tastes, the more expensive it is.
The short of it...don't fool yourself into thinking this is an easy process. It's not. It's difficult and frustrating and, sometimes downright depressing.

Do I regret it? Absolutely NOT! I know I spend a lot of time complaining, but it's not because I regret this decision. It's because I fooled myself into thinking it'd be a breeze.

Now, the story with taste changes...here's my theory: pre-surgery, I loved sweets. Chocolage was one of my best friends. Post-surgery, I'm not liking sweets so much. Chocolate and I don't get along AT ALL. Now, when you have gastric bypass surgery, they not only bypass most of the stomach, they also bypass the top part of the small intestine (check out this website. It shows you a picture of what I'm talking about...now you know what I look like on the inside. :) http://www.uihealthcare.com/depts/med/surgery/weightloss/services.html). This part of the intestine digests sugars, carbs, and fats to some extent. My theory is that, since your body now knows it can't digest these foods - at least not well - it sends signals to the brain saying "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! Don't eat these foods." To keep you from eating these foods the brain convinces your tongue that you don't like them anymore.

I don't think this will be the case forever since many people (including the nurse) say that eventually you can go back to eating almost anything (the only thing my nurse can't eat is ice cream. However, I'll take it for as long as it lasts 'cause it'll keep me from eating the wrong things). In the end, the problem becomes, how does a bypass patient supplement protein when they no longer like/tolerate sweet (although sugar free) foods when the majority of protein supplements are sweet?

Well, I think that's a GREAT question. First answer, well, not everyone has the same reaction post surgery. The interesting thing (at least one of them) about bypass surgery is that every patient seems to have different reactions. There is no way to gauge or judge what might change for a person post-surgery or even how long those changes will last. Something you can tolerate one day, you won't the next. Something you couldn't tolerate, you suddenly find you can.
Two examples: 1. I made a tomato soup. It had little hard bits in it from the seeds. I couldn't stand the soup because of the seeds. I also made yogurt with blueberries. Blueberries also had seeds. They didn't bother me at all. 2. A week ago, I could deal with acai flavored protein shooters. They're gross, but I could deal. As of 3 days ago, they started making me gag.

Ok, this is long. I have more to say, but I'll stop here. I'll write the rest in a new post to give you all a break.

One more thing, thank you! Many of you have told me that you're reading my blog. THANK YOU! I really appreciate that you're keeping tabs on me and this isn't all for naught!

No food for you!

I have to admit, part of me is really beginning to like not worrying about food. When I saw the nurse on Monday she told me to drink 3 shooters a day and not worry about eating so much (before that, I'd been working hard to get in 3 meals a day to get all my protein). Since I'm getting 75 grams of protein a day through my shooters, I only need to eat a minimum of 5 grams of protein. I've basically been eating only one meal a day all week.

It's rather liberating. I still have "head hunger" - that's where the head wants food but the stomach isn't really hungry. But most of the stuff I'm head-hungery for, I can't eat. I've reduced my menue to whipped yogurt with pureed fruit and scrambled eggs with cheese. After a while, the menu just gets boring and redundant. I really could care less about food right now and that takes away so much anxiety! I know I can't live like this forever, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

And, no, right now, I don't get hungery at all. I do have to eat one meal a day otherwise I get nauseaus. Other than that, I feel no hungery whatsoever. I miss food, I crave food, but I am not hungery.

Where things stand

Hello, Readers.
Well, I stopped by the doctor's office yesterday and met with one of the nurses (Doc dropped in on the discussion as well). I explained how concerned I am about the lack of weight loss. I'm tellin' ya, I was pretty down about the whole thing. On the verge of tears all the time, feeling depressed, not wanting to get out of bed.

What they told me is that 1. I'm still not eating enough protein. Even though I'm getting the minimum amount, it appears to not be enough, so I need to start beefing up on that. This means I get to start working even more on choking down the super-sweet, nasty protein shooters. BLECK! I have to start doing 3 of those a day. As for food, don't worry about it so much. What I'm eating is ok, but just worry about protein, protein, PROTEIN! 2. I'm probably still insulin resistant. Therefore, my body is just giving me a big F-U! and refusing to let go of any fat.

The bottom line, patience and stay off the scale.

How do I feel now? Well, I do feel a little better for having spoken with the nurse. Currently, I'm trying to eat and egg and it smells NASTY! It tastes ok, but the smell isn't agreeing with me. I hid my scale under the bed. I'm going to have to get rid of it...anyone want a free scale? Otherwise it'll keep haunting me and calling my name in that sweet, seductive way it has. Darn scale!

Once I finish my egg, I need to head out to the rhumetilogist. My FMS is flairing up since I can no longer take Cymbalta. I have to see if she can prescribe something else that's not delayed release...can't take delayed release pills anymore. :(

Depression

Folks, sorry I've been away for a few days. I've been quite depressed. The weight is not coming off at all. I'm following doctor's orders, but so far, I've only managed to lose 3 pounds in 3 weeks. I feel like an utter failure.

Either or

I had a bit of a revelation last night. I was laying in bed, snuggled up to my husband. Lights were out, he was trying to fall asleep. I wasn't tired, not by a long shot. I thought about rolling over, popping on the light, and reading my book. However, when faced with the choice between reading to aleviate bordom or staying cuddled up to my hubby, I decided to stay cuddled up. Cuddling was a better feeling than reading.

I realized that in terms of giving up food, I need to think the same way. What in my life would be more comfortable, more interesting, more ENTICING than food? If I had to choose between, say, hanging out with my husband or eating a pizza, what would I chose? What about between pizza and dance? Pizza and martial arts? Pizza and...? I need to find things that I'm will to chose over food in an uncomfortable situation.
Any suggestions?

I will survive...I hope

Well, I think I may have found a way to survive...I found some recipes in my bariatric cookbook that meet the doc's specs, so I'm going to focus on those instead of protein suppliments. However, that might mean taking in a few more calories than the doc wants me to. So...I'll have to exercise more. I'm not really up fo exercising as I'm stressed about all the things I have to do, but I have to find a happy medium somewhere. The dietition said breaking exercise up into 15 minute segments is the same thing as doing it all at once, so I'm going to try to walk 15 minutes at a time 4 times a day. We'll see where that leaves me, weight wise, at my next appointment.

GRRRRR

Well, I just threw up! For the first time since this surgery I THREW UP!! Did I throw up when I was sipping soup? NO! Did I throw up when I was nibbling chicken? NO!! But now, I'm back to struggling with protein suppliments and what do I do??? I THROW F%^&ing UP!!

Am I upset? YES! How the heck am I supposed to follow doctor's orders of doctor's orders make me sick to my stomach?? GRRR!!

Bye bye love...

Well, no more food for me. The doc was NOT happy that I started eating food. He's sent me back to square one...and I need to drink even MORE water. I feel like S@#$, and I have to still have to eat the stuff that upsets my stomach most. Grrr!

Do you smell that?

Smells are driving me CRAZY! If I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant. Oh, my gosh!! I feel so sorry for pregnant woman...nine months of never knowing what's going to make you puke just by the way it smells??? The fun part is, I seem to be smelling things no one else does! A friend came over last night and I could SWEAR I smelled onions, and it was really making my stomach do cartwheels. She said she couldn't smell anything.

This morning...I don't know what it is that I smell, but it just is turning my stomach inside out! UGH!!

I finally ate some soup last night. I know I said I was going to swear off soup for a while, but it was the only thing I could bring myself to eat. I thought I was feeling better, but then, after I ate, I was nauseaus all over again. I went to bed feeling like crap. This morning...I still feel like crap. Fortunately, I see the doctor this morning, so we'll see where that leads. In the meantime, I know I should try to eat something, but I'm afraid...

Good morning

Been up since 2:30 this morning. My stomach was bothering me all night. It still hurts. I look forward to going to the doc tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to attempt shakes. If I can't stomach them, then it'll just be good old chicken broth. It's all for the best, I suppose. I've been so torn up about what I'm eating and how much of it, I guess taking time off from solids will rest my weary head a little.

Have a I turned green?

I'm thinking of the Hulk, not envy. It's been an anger-filled morning. I at a whole half a cup of soup last night. I'm not supposed to have that much room in my stomach at this point. What's going wrong? Is it the broth? Washing everything down as fast as I take it in? Have I already stretched my stomach out too far (I don't know how...I've followed Dr.'s orders)? Am I just a freak of nature? I don't know. What I do know is that, right now, 1. I'm in panic mode and 2. I'm angry. I'm panicing because I keep worrying that this isn't going to work. Thankfully, I have a doctor's appointment coming up, but it's still 3 days away. I may drive myself crazy in that amount of time! I'm angery because I'm just mad at myself for being this freak of a person in love with food.
There ya go. I said it. I'm a freak. Those who know me and read this probably had no idea how I REALLY thought about myself. Lucky you, you're getting the true inside scoop on what I think of myself.

Scale, evil is thy name

Don't step on scales! Their evil! Mine has been begging me to visit for DAYS. Even though the doctor's office said don't weigh yourself at home, I finally gave in and weighed myself last night. 3 pounds! That's what the scale said...that I'd gained 3 POUNDS?? How does one gain 3 pounds on a 500 calorie a day diet??? (Yes, folks, I've been eating 500 calories a day...8 oz prune juice to get the insides flowing, 1/2 a scrambled egg, 1 oz chicken salad, 1c soup, and 2 protein shooters...grand total 460 calories. I shot the extra 40 in for good luck).

I was so depressed I just wanted to give the whole thing up. People come to the meetings and say, "Oh, I lost 20 pounds in my first 2 weeks" or whatever they loose. And I get to walk in and say I gained 3 f*&^ing pounds??? My husband told me to relax, it's only been 2 weeks. It's hard to relax though...if I fail at this then what? There is nothing left to try...

Yup, fear and panic have settled in. See, I have this problem. I expect myself to be PERFECT. I expect everything to come out JUST SO. And when I'm not and it doesn't I sort of slip on over to the dark side of EVERYTHING'S GONNA GO WRONG. There goes that ol' brain again. That nasty, ugly, slippery tape worm that just loves to make me feel like crap. It's so easy to just agree with him instead of telling him to bugger off and let me be. I'm willing to beat myself up. Why? I'm not really sure...

Last night I kept thinking about my relationship with food (I couldn't fall asleep). Why am I so afraid to give it up? What am I afraid of loosing? What am I just afraid of? 'Cause, really, it's all about fear. What is so great about food that my life will lack if I let it go? I honestly don't know. All it's given me is heartache my whole life. For as long as I can remember I've been the butt of jokes. The troll. The perfect one to pick on. Ugly. The words go on and on. Inside my own head I've hated myself for the way I look and feel. I've been embarrassed. Felt worthless. Hated the fact food had more control over my life than I did. So...what's so great that I don't want to just let go?

THAT is the million dollar question my friends and if I could figure out the answer I think this struggle would be a whole lot easier...