Scale, evil is thy name

Don't step on scales! Their evil! Mine has been begging me to visit for DAYS. Even though the doctor's office said don't weigh yourself at home, I finally gave in and weighed myself last night. 3 pounds! That's what the scale said...that I'd gained 3 POUNDS?? How does one gain 3 pounds on a 500 calorie a day diet??? (Yes, folks, I've been eating 500 calories a day...8 oz prune juice to get the insides flowing, 1/2 a scrambled egg, 1 oz chicken salad, 1c soup, and 2 protein shooters...grand total 460 calories. I shot the extra 40 in for good luck).

I was so depressed I just wanted to give the whole thing up. People come to the meetings and say, "Oh, I lost 20 pounds in my first 2 weeks" or whatever they loose. And I get to walk in and say I gained 3 f*&^ing pounds??? My husband told me to relax, it's only been 2 weeks. It's hard to relax though...if I fail at this then what? There is nothing left to try...

Yup, fear and panic have settled in. See, I have this problem. I expect myself to be PERFECT. I expect everything to come out JUST SO. And when I'm not and it doesn't I sort of slip on over to the dark side of EVERYTHING'S GONNA GO WRONG. There goes that ol' brain again. That nasty, ugly, slippery tape worm that just loves to make me feel like crap. It's so easy to just agree with him instead of telling him to bugger off and let me be. I'm willing to beat myself up. Why? I'm not really sure...

Last night I kept thinking about my relationship with food (I couldn't fall asleep). Why am I so afraid to give it up? What am I afraid of loosing? What am I just afraid of? 'Cause, really, it's all about fear. What is so great about food that my life will lack if I let it go? I honestly don't know. All it's given me is heartache my whole life. For as long as I can remember I've been the butt of jokes. The troll. The perfect one to pick on. Ugly. The words go on and on. Inside my own head I've hated myself for the way I look and feel. I've been embarrassed. Felt worthless. Hated the fact food had more control over my life than I did. So...what's so great that I don't want to just let go?

THAT is the million dollar question my friends and if I could figure out the answer I think this struggle would be a whole lot easier...