The end is in sight

I posted last Thursday, but I didn't give you all the good news...
I had my latest appointment with the dietitian.  I weighed in, finally, under 200 pounds!!  I don't know when I weight 100-and-something...back when I was ten?  Anyway, it's very exciting.  Now I'm working even harder to meet my goal weight by my anniversary date.  I know I can do it as long as I keep focused.

Thoughts

The last couple of days have been difficult.  I’ve been craving food.  This morning, I keep smelling the frozen pizza my husband eats for dinner sometimes.  It’s amazing what happens when cravings set in.  My mind starts to race, and my body becomes tense.  My natural reaction is to just stop thinking and give in.  I feel very frenzied – almost insane.  It’s hard to resist because my body tells me it’ll feel so good!

Fortunately, I am able to resist, but there is still a part of me that doesn’t want to.   That bothers me.  I know the trouble that binge eating will lead to, so why do I still, in part, want to give in?  It’s like something inside me believes that eating certain foods will be like heaven, but the rational part of my brain knows this isn’t true.  It’ll feel good while I’m eating…but after that it’ll be hell because of the guilt and weight gain and shame.

I’m glad I’m able resist each time that I do.  At the same time I wonder, will I really be able to do this for the rest of my life?  I might have as many as 50 years left!  50 years of fighting urges every single day…is that really possible?  I guess that’s why in OA we keep saying one day at a time…I think if I spent too much time thinking of this as a lifelong thing, I’d probably become overwhelmed and give up.

I spent more time thinking after the post l left yesterday.  Some have expressed concern about my weight loss goal - that it's unrealistic and that I might be setting myself up for failure.  This is my idea about setting the weight loss goal: Shoot for the moon.  If you miss, you'll still land among the stars.

I don't remember where I read that, but I like it a lot.  Often we set goals thinking we MUST meet them or else.  Really, it's the striving to meet the goal and how much we accomplish along the way that are important.  Whether I hit 150 by July 15th or not, if I work hard, follow directions, and continue to grow, I'll be a much better, more whole, and healthier person than I am today.

And let's talk about that word failure.  As a teacher, I work hard to convince my students they aren't failures (I know...I work in a jail.  How can the possibly NOT be failures, right?).  Well, we all make mistakes.  If we're smart, we learn from them and move on.  The only times we fail are 1. when we don't try and 2. when we refuse to learn from our mistakes.

Short food reflection...

I was on another bus trip with my husband today.  I was thinking about all the food I didn't eat.  I had some nuts for breakfast, a salad with chicken for lunch and some soup for a snack (strange snack, I know).  In the old days, when we stopped at Burger King, I would have had a breakfast sandwich, large hash browns and french toast sticks.  For lunch, I probably would have had a big deli sandwich and chips.  Then we stopped at a rest stop on the way home.  Instead of just having soup, I would have ordered a large sub and chips or gone over to Burger King again.  Wow!

BK was interesting this morning.  They have the calorie count on everything now.  Some of those breakfast meals were over 1200 calories...that's my entire intake for the DAY!

Something to check out

I just joined the Obesity Action Coalition.  There website is www.obesityaction.org.  I'm going to try to figure out how to add a link directly from my blog to them.  If you have any desire to learn more about the epidemic of obesity or even support the cause, this will be a good place go to.  Membership is $20.00.

I've got the joy!

This really has been an interesting journey.  I remember back in December I was really craving food.  I don’t know if it was the holidays or just par for the course.  It was very upsetting for me.  I really wanted food – I wanted to be like everyone else and able to eat whatever.  However, I’m not like everyone else – or what I PERCEIVE as “everyone else.”  I am me, and I have problems with food.

Now it’s March.  I weighed in today at the doctor’s office and I am finally below 200 pounds – I was 198!!  I don’t know when I last weighed under 200…sometime in my young teens I imagine.  For me, this is cause for celebration.  Of course, my first thought is to go out for dinner, but I don’t think that’s an appropriate way to celebrate this.  I think I should buy myself a nice new outfit.  Or celebrate by just being with friends and family.  Or perhaps start setting aside a few dollars with each pound I lose between now and my goal, so I can buy myself something stunning when I finally reach my goal.  Or maybe get a charm bracelet and start filling it with things that symbolize my journey, so when I do feel down or temped, I have something on me always to remind me where I’ve come from and why it’s important to continue the fight.

Lately, I haven’t been tempted by much.  Let me rephrase that, there are temptations, but it’s not as much of a struggle as it was in the past.  Partly, I’m too busy.  Between work, the gym, and karate, I don’t have time for food – other than my scheduled meals (sometimes I barely have time for those!).  Therefore, when temptation strikes, it’s not really realistic to even attempt to give in.  Also, I love the way I FEEL these days – light, beautiful, healthy, happy…I wear heals all the time, and it’s so much fun!  I can cross my legs when I’m sitting.  I can keep up durning karate class.  I can walk up a couple flights of stairs.  Life is a whole new adventure trying to discover and savor the things I can do now that were a struggle less than a year ago.

In terms of my abstinence…I’ve lost count.  At my last OA meeting, I received my 60 day chip.  I’m probably around 90 or beyond at this point!  To me, this is absolutely amazing…Having this surgery is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.  It allowed me – forced me – to give up the foods I was addicted to and change my focus.  I know the struggle will always be there.  For example, without realizing it, carbs have infiltrated my life.  I’ve been eating a little fruit.  I added Fiber 1 to my breakfast for health reasons.  My protein chips have carbs in them and so do my vitamins.  I’m supposed to be eating no more than 30 carbs per day, but I think I am eating about twice that right now because I wasn’t tracking how my dietary changes introduced carbs.  Now, I am aware, and I’m making the necessary changes to bring my carbs back down.

I am actually beginning to become thankful for my addiction.  I know that my sound strange, but I think it’s a better addiction than drugs or alcohol.  I just wouldn’t be able to handle that.  Plus, now that I’m on the road to recovery, I’m learning so much about myself!  I’m finally able to work through and shed so many things from my past.  Also, my use of food helped me survive the trials of my life.  This no longer works for me, now I’m finding better things, but my life may not have been survivable without food before.  Now, when I’m stressed, I go to the gym.  I’m happier than I’ve ever been – even with all the difficulties I’m dealing with right now.  I appreciate life like I never have before.

Thanks, be to God for bringing me through!

Me No Likey Sugar Nomore

I had an interesting experience with sugar yesterday.  I ordered a flavored coffee that turned out to be flavored with syrup, came mounded with whipped cream and drizzled with caramel.  Sounds divine, right?  Well, I scooped off at least half of the cream and attempted to drink the coffee.  I didn't even make it half way through!  It was so sweet I couldn't stand it - it didn't even taste good.  My stomach was doing turnovers!
This morning, I baked a cake for my husband.  It smells wonderful.  At the same time, the thought of taking even one bite makes my stomach churn...

I guess I've been off sugar long enough that my body no longer feels friendly toward it.  This is a good thing.  It'll make it that much easier to resist temptation.  Earlier in the week I tried high protein cookies.  They also had a high sugar content (20-something).  One bite, and I tossed them away.  I'm glad they weren't that expensive!

The road less traveled

wb page 25 #10

Why do I need to follow this new path?

Because if I don't, I'll die.  It's that simple.  I can remember - about 4 years ago - sitting in my apartment eating dinner.  I had a giant hamburger slathered with cheese, ketchup and mayo.  I also had a STACK of homemade french fries also slathered in ketchup and mayo.  I had a bottle of cream soda to drink.  For dessert, I was going to have a pint of Ben and Jerry's.  As I sat there with my food, I thought to myself, "I'm killing myself.  I don't care.  This food is so damn good, but I know I'm killing myself.  One day, I'll just have a heart attack and die."  I really didn't care.  I wasn't scared.  It was just a fact.  I loved food - was IN LOVE with food and my obsession was going to kill me, but I wasn't about to give it up.  I didn't think I could give it up because it was stronger than me.

Therefore, I know, if I don't stay with this path I'm on now, I will die.  There is heart disease and diabetes in my family.  At the time I went in for my surgery, I was suffering from sleep apnea (which I had surgery for years earlier), high blood pressure, and acid reflux.  It was only a matter of time...

I think, also, if I don't stay on this path, it'll ruin my marriage.  My husband loves me, and I don't think he could have stood by much longer and watched me kill myself.  It was really hurting him to see me get sicker and weaker and less energetic.  We used to fight about food more than anything else!  How is that for strange!?  Most couples fight about money or kids or something of the like.  We fought about food and which new fad diet I was trying and whether or not it would work and why I just needed will-power!

Finally, I need to stay on this path because I have to much to live for, and, perhaps, if I am successful, then my story might help someone else.  And, above all else, making a difference and being there for others is what I'm all about.

I can see clearer now...

wb page 25 # 9

What can I do when I feel unstable?

Um...pray?  Seriously though, I feel unstable a lot.  Today, I baked two giant cakes for a party my husband's having at work tomorrow.  I know, a lot of people would say, "why do you do that to yourself??"  I do it because I believe I need to learn to live with food.  Just because  I can't eat the cake, doesn't mean I can't be around it or even make it for others.  Anyway, the smell was/is maddening!  I want to dive in head first.  Here are the steps I've taken to clear my head:

First, I took deep breaths.  Then I brought to mind how much I love my new body and why - like the fun of wearing heals, and the comment a student made today about how graceful I've become.  Finally, I reminded myself that there is no real satisfaction that'll come from eating the cake.  It might relieve the tension I have about food for a second or two, but as soon as it's over, I'll feel worse than I did before I started.

Now, I'm sitting alone in the house with two giant cakes that have yet to be frosted.  I am fine, relaxed and stable.  The smell is still divine, but instead of agonizing over it, I'm just enjoying it (cake smells better than it tastes anyway).  When the time comes to frost, I'll be tempted by that too, and I'll remind myself that, if I eat the frosting, I won't have room for dinner.

I often pray as I'm taking my deep breaths.  Not necessarily with words, but just sort of reaching out with my mind for help.  I find that helps me relax as well.  I'm learning that, for me, finding stability is about relaxing.  When food starts clamoring in my head, I tense up and become fogged, unable to make a good decision.  Hence the deep breathing and mental prayer help to clear me up and bring me down.

Winds of Change

One thing they warned us about pre-surgery, was the fact that, one day you can eat a food, and the next day, you can't.  Well, that sure happened to me last night!  I've been eating sugar-free chocolate now since the beginning of January.  Not all the time - a couple times a month when I need a treat that is not protein related.  Last night, I decided to have just such a treat.  Man!  Did I regret it!  I felt SOOOOO sick afterward!  And I didn't have that much, but I was nauseous and my stomach hurt.  I just wanted to die.  So, I guess no more chocolate for me for awhile.

On the other hand, I tried a new protein bar.  It has whey protein in it, which was making me sick for several months post-op.  I haven't had whey in at least 4 months, so I decided I'd give it a shot.  I tried a bar on Sat and again on Sun.  So far...it's been ok.  I don't plan on eating them every day, but I thought they'd be a nice break to my protein chips.  I'll keep you posted...

I'm trying to get into a regular exercise routine.  My husband and I have started Karate, so I'm doing that twice a week.  The other 5 days I'm trying to get to the gym and do some heavy walking and core training.  It's not always easy to get myself there, but once I'm there and in the thick of things, I'm glad I went.  The mind just doesn't want to work hard, ya know?

Just ramblings

It's been awhile since I've written anything. Honestly...it's laziness. I have to use a different e-mail to log into the blog, which means I have to sign out of my other e-mail, and I'm just too lazy to do that. Isn't that sad? Well, I'm here now...

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I seem to have hit a plateau. It's kind of a bummer, but I'm dealing with it. Honestly, I'm hoping to get to my goal weight by the first anniversary of my surgery date. I know that's asking a lot, but I also know it's not impossible. It does require that I follow every rule and instruction of the dietitian, though. Over the last 2 weeks, I haven't been QUITE as faithful as I could have been, and I've seen the results on the scale. Also, I'm less than faithful with regular exercise. Every day I intend to correct that and every day something "comes up." I made it to the gym today though! I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill workin' it!

Food has been tough lately. It seems to be calling me from all kinds of directions. I miss frosting terribly! And there's ALWAYS cake in the house because my husband loves cake. I also am missing fast food. Today I started showing "Supersize Me" in one of my classes and the beginning where they show all the food KILLED me! I literally started salivating. :(

I've also increased my portion sizes. There's nothing wrong with this. We're allowed up to 9 ounces per meal. It's just that, after so many months of only eating 4-6 ounces per meal, 9 seems like a lot! Usually, though, I only eat 9 if I'm having yogurt - which I water down with milk (I eat the Greek yogurt which is WAY to thick for me) or if I'm eating soup. With the soup, it doesn't really "count" as 9 because I'm only supposed to count the solids, but mentally I'm looking at the broth too.

I'm also trying to finally add some veggies and fruits. For breakfast, I'm cutting a little fruit into my yogurt. At lunch, I eat soup a lot, but make sure it has some veggies in it. This week I'm eating homemade cheddar broccoli soup. Yum! Dinner, I don't always get veggies in because it's generally late and I don't feel like eating much.

That's where things stand right now...I'm still waiting for the scale to show the magic number 199...I can't wait!!

Oh...one more thing...like I said, in one of my classes we just started watching "Supersize Me." He starts off by talking about those 2 girls that sued McDonald's for making them fat. Personally, I think that is just ABSURD! Everyone knows fast food is bad for you! McDonald's did not FORCE the girls to eat their food...and yet the judge went along with it saying if they could prove intent on the part of McDonald's. What do you think...?