The last couple of days have been difficult. I’ve been craving food. This morning, I keep smelling the frozen pizza my husband eats for dinner sometimes. It’s amazing what happens when cravings set in. My mind starts to race, and my body becomes tense. My natural reaction is to just stop thinking and give in. I feel very frenzied – almost insane. It’s hard to resist because my body tells me it’ll feel so good!
Fortunately, I am able to resist, but there is still a part of me that doesn’t want to. That bothers me. I know the trouble that binge eating will lead to, so why do I still, in part, want to give in? It’s like something inside me believes that eating certain foods will be like heaven, but the rational part of my brain knows this isn’t true. It’ll feel good while I’m eating…but after that it’ll be hell because of the guilt and weight gain and shame.
I’m glad I’m able resist each time that I do. At the same time I wonder, will I really be able to do this for the rest of my life? I might have as many as 50 years left! 50 years of fighting urges every single day…is that really possible? I guess that’s why in OA we keep saying one day at a time…I think if I spent too much time thinking of this as a lifelong thing, I’d probably become overwhelmed and give up.
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