Not much new to report. Still munching on pre-chewed chicken. We did go out to dinner last night and I had half of a shrimp and a little piece of fish. Yummy! :)
The emotional roller coaster is fully operational today. Loads of fun. Have I ever mentioned that I don't like roller coaster? Well, now you know, I don't.
Mostly this coaster today is about food. The craving monster is on full blast in my brain. It really sucks. I know it's going to take a lot of work to get him out of my head...but he just squirms through my brain like a nasty tapeworm! If you're out there and reading this and someone who's thinking of surgery...or just someone who struggles with food...know that there is no easy out. The voices in your head will be there for a very long time and you can either chose to meet them head on or drown in them. For the last 30+ years I've chosen to drown. I won't lie, it was a hell of a lot easier and a lot less painful to just give in than to fight. Right now part of me wants to just give up and say F$%^ it! But I can't. I won't be on this earth very many more years if I spend the rest of my life sitting in a Burger King or a Wendy's or bellying up to the ice cream bar.
My therapist said I need a list...things to do when the worm starts squirming its way around my brain...dial a friend (hey, now I'm on Millionair!), cross stitch, read a book, homework. Once I can be more active I'd like those options to be go belly dance, practice some Tae Kwon Do, kick a soccer ball...I'm not up for those things yet.
Right now, I'm feeling some cross stitch coming on. Hmm...if I x-stitch evertime I start feeling cravings, I could open my own home-crafts business! Maybe I can make money off this worm!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
No magic pill
Bariatric surgery is no panacea. Intellectually, I've known this since the first time I stepped in the doctor's office. Emotionally, however, I think I'd hoped differently. Yesterday I came to the realization of the long painful haul I have ahead of me, and I was forced to confront the fear that this may not work for me.
One think they tell us over and over again is that it's normal to have no appitite for up to the first 6 months post-surgery. For me, this lasted a week and a half. I crave food...I may not necessaritly FEEL hungery, but I crave food. Yesterday, it was terrible. By the end of the day I was depressed and crying because I couldn't believe my appitite - my temptations - had come back so quickly. I don't know if I have the strength to continue this fight for the rest of my life. If I'm already struggling with my food demons, this means that I run a higher risk of turning the surgery on it's head and failing.
I am so angry! Why can't I just be normal?? And I look at the people in that room who've lost so much weight and wonder...will I be among them, or will I just continue to be a giant failure?
One think they tell us over and over again is that it's normal to have no appitite for up to the first 6 months post-surgery. For me, this lasted a week and a half. I crave food...I may not necessaritly FEEL hungery, but I crave food. Yesterday, it was terrible. By the end of the day I was depressed and crying because I couldn't believe my appitite - my temptations - had come back so quickly. I don't know if I have the strength to continue this fight for the rest of my life. If I'm already struggling with my food demons, this means that I run a higher risk of turning the surgery on it's head and failing.
I am so angry! Why can't I just be normal?? And I look at the people in that room who've lost so much weight and wonder...will I be among them, or will I just continue to be a giant failure?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Good morning
Well, I made it through my first day of food. Frustratingly enough, I still didn't get enough protein in. It's supposed to be somewhere between 60-80 grams. I'm holding steady at about 50. Even to get that many I still need to supplement with some kind of protein. I've been trying these shooters that the nurse recommended - they look like koolaid in giant test tubes. I'm pretty sure I mentioned them yesterday. Anyway, they're sickeningly sweet, but I guess gagging my way through them is better than trying to choke down a shake (I did choke down a shake yesterday and the whole rest of the day I had that upset stomach feeling like I ate too much dairy).
Getting my 64 ounces of liquid in is also getting tougher. Nothing agrees with me. I don't like sweet, yet plain water makes me gag as well. I'm trying iced tea and it's not helping much either. I'm beginning to wonder if the doc operated on my tastebuds too! I can almost tolerate watered down apple juice...but that's just taking in empty caleries all day. I suppose it's not TOO bad because I'm using the light apple juice, but still. Anyone got any great, sugar free, beverage ideas?
Getting my 64 ounces of liquid in is also getting tougher. Nothing agrees with me. I don't like sweet, yet plain water makes me gag as well. I'm trying iced tea and it's not helping much either. I'm beginning to wonder if the doc operated on my tastebuds too! I can almost tolerate watered down apple juice...but that's just taking in empty caleries all day. I suppose it's not TOO bad because I'm using the light apple juice, but still. Anyone got any great, sugar free, beverage ideas?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
o/~ Food, glorious, food o/~
Well, last night I had my support group. When it was all over I explained my difficulty with protein suppliments to the nurse. She told me to EAT!! Woohoo!! So, last night I came home and had cream of broccoli soup. It went down just fine...although even that was too sweet. Today I'll pull out some more soups and munch on them and see how it goes. I still have to get my protein in which means I still have to suppliment somehow...she gave me some protein shooters to try (they look like koolaid in giant test tubes). I tried a red one last week and it was like cough syrup mixed with koolaid. We'll see how these two taste...I'm just glad to be able to move away from protein shakes. Even if I have to sip soup 6 times a day to get my protein in, it's better than gagging down shakes!
Don't take this the wrong way...not everyone has this reaction, and lap-band people generally don't because their physiology doesn't really change. But sometimes...a lot of times...bypass patients have reactions to food different from what they had before surgery. Part of that has to do with the intestinal rerouting. Since they hack of the part that deals with sweats, sweat foods suddenly become VERY sweat. Right now I'm liking foods that are closer to bland or even a little salty. Sugar has no pull for me whatsoever. When I have cravings they're for hamburgers and french fries, not cake and ice cream.
Water is still an iffy subject for me. I'm finally drinking it plain, but it's not a pleasurable experience by any stretch. However, I know I have to keep myself hydrated and I don't like sweatened ice tea or lemonade or plain iced tea or juice (well prune just is ok, but that's got a lot of calories) or just about anything else (I still like chicken broth, but I'm becoming overrun with boiled breasts, so I've cut myself off of that one). So...I'm trying to slowly, sip by sip, choke down my 64 oz of good old fashioned H2O each day.
Don't take this the wrong way...not everyone has this reaction, and lap-band people generally don't because their physiology doesn't really change. But sometimes...a lot of times...bypass patients have reactions to food different from what they had before surgery. Part of that has to do with the intestinal rerouting. Since they hack of the part that deals with sweats, sweat foods suddenly become VERY sweat. Right now I'm liking foods that are closer to bland or even a little salty. Sugar has no pull for me whatsoever. When I have cravings they're for hamburgers and french fries, not cake and ice cream.
Water is still an iffy subject for me. I'm finally drinking it plain, but it's not a pleasurable experience by any stretch. However, I know I have to keep myself hydrated and I don't like sweatened ice tea or lemonade or plain iced tea or juice (well prune just is ok, but that's got a lot of calories) or just about anything else (I still like chicken broth, but I'm becoming overrun with boiled breasts, so I've cut myself off of that one). So...I'm trying to slowly, sip by sip, choke down my 64 oz of good old fashioned H2O each day.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Husbands
So, last night I was watching the hubby eat supper. Actually, I spent more time watching his fork move around the plate than I spent watching him. It was an interesting learning experience. As his fork missed bits of meat stuck to a bone or hidden under BBQ sauce my anxiety level rose. It kept going up as I realized he wasn't going to sop up every drop of butter with his potatoes and leave a few bits of collared greens stuck to his plate...
This month and a half I've spent without food had been a real time for self-reflection (if I didn't mention it before, I was on one of those "2 shakes and a small meal" diets leading up to surgery). Since I can't eat food whenever I have an urge or impulse, my only recourse has been to sit with my feelings, turn them over like sea-smoothed stones, and inspect them. What I have learned is that I have a very complex emotional life centered around food.
Most notibly, my emotions toward food center around anxiety and fear. Last night, for example, I was very anxious about every tidbit not sopped up from the plate my husband was eating from. The fear is of not being satisfied and not having enough. Those two fears run like cores through my entire life. I suppose food was the one place I could placate those fears because I could control what I was eating, when, and how much. I did find it facinating though that my fear and anxiety were transfered to my husband's plate, though. What does it matter if he cleans his plate? It has no bearing on me whatsoever. Yet, it was very upsetting to me all the same.
I wonder how many people out there are like me...prisoners of the plate and not even realizing it. Yes, I've known for years that I had a problem. I finally became willing to acknowledge this problem 8 months ago - that's how I ended up where I am today. Yet, I had no idea just how deep this problem was until food was taken from me almost completely. It's like a weed with deep, strong roots. Everytime I try to challange it, the roots squeeze tighter around my core making it almost impossible for me to turn away. I am not in control of food, I am its prisoner.
This month and a half I've spent without food had been a real time for self-reflection (if I didn't mention it before, I was on one of those "2 shakes and a small meal" diets leading up to surgery). Since I can't eat food whenever I have an urge or impulse, my only recourse has been to sit with my feelings, turn them over like sea-smoothed stones, and inspect them. What I have learned is that I have a very complex emotional life centered around food.
Most notibly, my emotions toward food center around anxiety and fear. Last night, for example, I was very anxious about every tidbit not sopped up from the plate my husband was eating from. The fear is of not being satisfied and not having enough. Those two fears run like cores through my entire life. I suppose food was the one place I could placate those fears because I could control what I was eating, when, and how much. I did find it facinating though that my fear and anxiety were transfered to my husband's plate, though. What does it matter if he cleans his plate? It has no bearing on me whatsoever. Yet, it was very upsetting to me all the same.
I wonder how many people out there are like me...prisoners of the plate and not even realizing it. Yes, I've known for years that I had a problem. I finally became willing to acknowledge this problem 8 months ago - that's how I ended up where I am today. Yet, I had no idea just how deep this problem was until food was taken from me almost completely. It's like a weed with deep, strong roots. Everytime I try to challange it, the roots squeeze tighter around my core making it almost impossible for me to turn away. I am not in control of food, I am its prisoner.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Emotions...they aren't kidding!
Ok...so in my little "Bariatric Surgery" handbook (I'm paraphrasing here) they say that it'll be an emtional roller coaster for a while. THEY WEREN'T KIDDING!!! Earlier I was watching America's Got Talent...I started bawling my eyes out (normally, I don't cry at that show...I skip the sappy stuff and just watch the talent, or lack thereof). Then I heard my husband pull in (he'd only been gone a few hours) and I started crying again because I was just SO happy he was home. Then I tried to do some homework, and I started crying because I was too overwhelmed and didn't even know where to start. I feel like a total emotional basket case!
There are a few other emotions going on as well, but I won't mention them hear. I'll let you use your imagination...
There are a few other emotions going on as well, but I won't mention them hear. I'll let you use your imagination...
The morning after...
So yesterday I went running around to job interviews, and then the family came over for dinner. Today...I HURT!! I guess it was a little too much all at once. Word to the wise I suppose...it's better to just take it easy. Yes, getting up and moving around is an important part of recovery. At the same time, it's important to take care of oneself. I'm not so good at that part. However, I guess I'll have to learn because, from here on in, when it comes to food, I'll always have to make sure I pay attention to my needs over anyone else's desires. It will be an interesting experience, learning to put myself first...
In terms of other things...still struggling with the bowels. I tried a new laxetive last night - no luck, so now I'm working with good, old-fashioned prune juice. If that doesn't work...well...who knows.
I'm still struggling with the protein shakes. A lap-band friend said she did carnation instant breakfast - but it's too low in protein. I tried it anyway and I think I can get used to it...My sister said to try putting a little peanut butter in my shakes. That's what she did when she was pregnant. So, I bought some sugar free peanut butter and I guess I might try that for lunch. Yesterday I mixed chicken soup flavored protein with cream of mushroom soup and that worked out really well. Maybe I'll just eat soup all day!
Ok, off to my prune juice and some homework!
In terms of other things...still struggling with the bowels. I tried a new laxetive last night - no luck, so now I'm working with good, old-fashioned prune juice. If that doesn't work...well...who knows.
I'm still struggling with the protein shakes. A lap-band friend said she did carnation instant breakfast - but it's too low in protein. I tried it anyway and I think I can get used to it...My sister said to try putting a little peanut butter in my shakes. That's what she did when she was pregnant. So, I bought some sugar free peanut butter and I guess I might try that for lunch. Yesterday I mixed chicken soup flavored protein with cream of mushroom soup and that worked out really well. Maybe I'll just eat soup all day!
Ok, off to my prune juice and some homework!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Know thy enemy
Ok...just a warning...Milk of Magnesia is the WORST tasting stuff out there! Even worse than my stepmother's cooking (she could burn eggs and keep them raw at the same time...so I know what I'm talking about!). So, word to the wise, before getting constipated, TAKE SOMETHING! According to the bariatric cookbook I have (It's called "Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery") vitamin E can help keep to regular. I sure bought some today! I'll let you know if it works. I sure as heck won't be taking anymore Milk of Magnesia unless my colon is on its deathbed...maybe not even then.
P.S.
I've started craving food. I don't know what my stomach is thinking...it doesn't want to deal with protein shakes but it wants bacon and eggs? Anyway, yesterday I made baked chicken, potatoes and collard greens for my husband for dinner. I had to keep reminding myself that I could NOT test taste! I sure am looking forward to the pureed stage of recovery. I think the first thing I'll puree is a big, fat juicy 1 oz steak (well...that's all I'll be able to eat and I make darn good steak! Marinate it overnight with worchester sauce and adobo seasoning then grill it. Yuuuummyyyyy!).
Has the time finally come?
Well, folks, I did it! I actually drank a whole protein shake! WOOHOO!! So far, I don't feel queasy or nauseaus (Ok, I never promised I could spell) or anything else. If all goes well, for lunch I'll be adding protein to my soup. WOW! :) Hey...this is a big deal. I'm supposed to be taking in 60-80 grams of protein a day to keep my hear from falling out and get my wounds to heal and loose weight (yes, friends, if you don't eat enough, you can actually prevent yourselves from loosing weight. Take it from a fat person. We know everything). To this point, I'd been taking in 5 grams at the most.
That's all the exciting news I have for the moment. I have developed a new pain in my abdomon, but, according to the nurse, that's because I need a little milk of magnesia. Good thing I'm headed to the grocery store this afternoon!
I'll keep you posted on my protein journey...
That's all the exciting news I have for the moment. I have developed a new pain in my abdomon, but, according to the nurse, that's because I need a little milk of magnesia. Good thing I'm headed to the grocery store this afternoon!
I'll keep you posted on my protein journey...
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Protein
Keep your fingers crossed! I just drank 3 oz of protein shake. We'll see how my tiny tummy responds...
You are what you sip
So...I'm supposed to be drinking protein. YAY!!! Or so I thought...I haven't been this sick in YEARS!! So, this morning, it's just straight chicken broth. My stomach doesn't like tea. It doesn't like water. It doesn't like anything except chicken broth. If I sprout feathers and fly away well...I've always wondered what it'd be like to fly.
I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but honestly, right now, I'm wondering what the hell did I do to myself? Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing I hadn't done this, I'm just wondering what I was thinking. My stomach was sensitive to begin with and now I seem to have made it more so. I want to just get better and MOVE ON! I know, I know...it takes time. Patience may be a virtue, but it is NOT one that I have learned.
The good news is that I've lost 9 pounds since surgery last Wednesday. Of course, when all your drinking is no and low cal beverages, that's not so hard to to. However, it was still nice to see.
More good news - I'm almost pain free. Inside and out, I feel pretty good (not counting the nausea). However, I have one stubborn inscision that refuses to stop hurting. I guess it's normal. Of course, it doesn't help that I keep sneezing and every time I sneeze it feels like someone is ripping my side open with their bare hands!
So...if anyone's out there reading this you're probably wondering why the heck I did this, right? (hello? anyone one there? is this thing on?) Well, I can tell you this much...I was desperate. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I was (am) a food junky! I couldn't get enough (hello...I gained 80 pounds in 4 months, does that tell you anything???)! No matter how bad I wanted to stop, I couldn't. So, as tough as the healing process of this journey is, I know - at least I believe - it will bring me to a better place than I was before the journey began. I've been off food for over a month. In that time I've had a chance to look at myself, look at my relationship with food, and gain better insight into the kinds of food I'm addicted to. I can see more clearly which foods make me loose control. They tell me that, eventually, I'll be able to eat everything again. I'm not so sure that is true. I am beginning to believe that, for me, there will be certain kinds of food that I'll never be able to eat again if I want to remain sane. Besides, if I follow doctor's orders and focus on my protein, I won't really have room in my stomach for the bad stuff anyway.
Alright, I'm out. I'm going to finish my broth and attempt my first, real, post-surgery walk. The weather's good and hope is in the air. Besides, if my stomach finally decides to let loose, better in the parking lot than on my laptop, right?
(P.S. I'm just trying to keep real and tell it like it is. I'm not trying to be graphic or gross, but I don't really want to sugar coat either.)
I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but honestly, right now, I'm wondering what the hell did I do to myself? Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing I hadn't done this, I'm just wondering what I was thinking. My stomach was sensitive to begin with and now I seem to have made it more so. I want to just get better and MOVE ON! I know, I know...it takes time. Patience may be a virtue, but it is NOT one that I have learned.
The good news is that I've lost 9 pounds since surgery last Wednesday. Of course, when all your drinking is no and low cal beverages, that's not so hard to to. However, it was still nice to see.
More good news - I'm almost pain free. Inside and out, I feel pretty good (not counting the nausea). However, I have one stubborn inscision that refuses to stop hurting. I guess it's normal. Of course, it doesn't help that I keep sneezing and every time I sneeze it feels like someone is ripping my side open with their bare hands!
So...if anyone's out there reading this you're probably wondering why the heck I did this, right? (hello? anyone one there? is this thing on?) Well, I can tell you this much...I was desperate. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I was (am) a food junky! I couldn't get enough (hello...I gained 80 pounds in 4 months, does that tell you anything???)! No matter how bad I wanted to stop, I couldn't. So, as tough as the healing process of this journey is, I know - at least I believe - it will bring me to a better place than I was before the journey began. I've been off food for over a month. In that time I've had a chance to look at myself, look at my relationship with food, and gain better insight into the kinds of food I'm addicted to. I can see more clearly which foods make me loose control. They tell me that, eventually, I'll be able to eat everything again. I'm not so sure that is true. I am beginning to believe that, for me, there will be certain kinds of food that I'll never be able to eat again if I want to remain sane. Besides, if I follow doctor's orders and focus on my protein, I won't really have room in my stomach for the bad stuff anyway.
Alright, I'm out. I'm going to finish my broth and attempt my first, real, post-surgery walk. The weather's good and hope is in the air. Besides, if my stomach finally decides to let loose, better in the parking lot than on my laptop, right?
(P.S. I'm just trying to keep real and tell it like it is. I'm not trying to be graphic or gross, but I don't really want to sugar coat either.)
Monday, July 20, 2009
The Joys of Protein
Good Monday morning to anyone paying attenetion. Nausea has been the order of the day for the last two days. Can we say FUN??? I've been given permission to start on my protein shakes. Perhaps I'm just hungery my doc said. Well, let's see...the last time I ate or drank anything with caloric content was last Tuesday...what do you think?
Yesterday I sampled some chocolate protein shake - too thick, said Goldilocks. Then I had some chicken broth - just right, she said. This morning, I'm trying the shake again and it's going down ok. The only other choice is diluted apple juice, but I'm afraid of the sugar (never thought I'd hear myself say that!).
So...6 days post surgery what are my thoughts? Well...pain sucks (it does, I'm sorry). Nausea sucks as well. I'm ready to start feeling stellar. When does that happen?
The bad dreams have started to dissipate - now they're just strange. I haven't taken pain meds since Saturday so maybe that's why. Last night, though, I dreamed I ate chocolate cream pie...not a real one. It was one of those things you buy in the package at the store.
Yesterday I sampled some chocolate protein shake - too thick, said Goldilocks. Then I had some chicken broth - just right, she said. This morning, I'm trying the shake again and it's going down ok. The only other choice is diluted apple juice, but I'm afraid of the sugar (never thought I'd hear myself say that!).
So...6 days post surgery what are my thoughts? Well...pain sucks (it does, I'm sorry). Nausea sucks as well. I'm ready to start feeling stellar. When does that happen?
The bad dreams have started to dissipate - now they're just strange. I haven't taken pain meds since Saturday so maybe that's why. Last night, though, I dreamed I ate chocolate cream pie...not a real one. It was one of those things you buy in the package at the store.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
To vomit or not to vomit, that is the question...
Well, this morning the pain has begun to subside...thankfully, but the nausea is off the charts! Lucky me! I get to start sipping protien shakes. The doc thinks that, perhaps, my tummy is unhappy about not having food for 5 days. I can't imagine why that would make my body unhappy. Can you??
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Saturday...Saturday....
Ok...so, for some reason, I have Elton John in my head, but I don't really feel like fighting (according to the song, that is what Saturday night is alright for).
It's Saturday morning (NO promises that I'll be writing every day, but, hey, it's a new toy. Just like Christmas I have to play with it till I break it at least, right?). Pain is still there..par for the course, I suppose. I'm also having VERY strange dreams. I guess that's from the pain meds. Mostly not good ones...like people stealing my car, or putting their brains inside cats so they can chase me without them knowing (what can I say? I seem to have a vivid subconscious imagination). Although, last night I also dreamed the Macy's was having a GREAT sale and I almost bought a $240.00 rug for 9 bucks. Can't really beat that, right?
I'm also feeling a little nausea this morning. Not toooo bad, but I guess it's time to start looking at the suppositories (can we say FUN???).
And clothes? FORGETTABOUTIT!! I don't want to wear anything with a waisteband 'cause it HURTS! Ok...time to go drink my 3 ounces of water.
It's Saturday morning (NO promises that I'll be writing every day, but, hey, it's a new toy. Just like Christmas I have to play with it till I break it at least, right?). Pain is still there..par for the course, I suppose. I'm also having VERY strange dreams. I guess that's from the pain meds. Mostly not good ones...like people stealing my car, or putting their brains inside cats so they can chase me without them knowing (what can I say? I seem to have a vivid subconscious imagination). Although, last night I also dreamed the Macy's was having a GREAT sale and I almost bought a $240.00 rug for 9 bucks. Can't really beat that, right?
I'm also feeling a little nausea this morning. Not toooo bad, but I guess it's time to start looking at the suppositories (can we say FUN???).
And clothes? FORGETTABOUTIT!! I don't want to wear anything with a waisteband 'cause it HURTS! Ok...time to go drink my 3 ounces of water.
Friday, July 17, 2009
First Day Home
Well, hello world! I just had weight loss surgery and decided it might be fun to share my journey in blog form. I know there might be a million of these out there, but I figure one more can't hurt.
I had gastric bypass surgry on Wednesday. I just got home from the hospital this morning. At the time I started my weight loss surgery journey, I weighed 312 pounds. By the morning of my surgery, I was down to 287 thanks to a month of wonderfully yummy protein shake meals.
My biggest worry up until the surgery was that my liver still would be too big to perform the surgery. Surprisingly, though, surgery-day, I had no worries whatsoever. I felt very confident going in and confident coming out (once I was assured my liver HADN'T been too big and, yes, the doc had done the work).
Now I get to spent the next 5 days sipping 3 ounces of clear liquid an hour. WOOHOO! Those of you who've been there, know where I'm coming from.
We'll see where things go from here...
I had gastric bypass surgry on Wednesday. I just got home from the hospital this morning. At the time I started my weight loss surgery journey, I weighed 312 pounds. By the morning of my surgery, I was down to 287 thanks to a month of wonderfully yummy protein shake meals.
My biggest worry up until the surgery was that my liver still would be too big to perform the surgery. Surprisingly, though, surgery-day, I had no worries whatsoever. I felt very confident going in and confident coming out (once I was assured my liver HADN'T been too big and, yes, the doc had done the work).
Now I get to spent the next 5 days sipping 3 ounces of clear liquid an hour. WOOHOO! Those of you who've been there, know where I'm coming from.
We'll see where things go from here...
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