Latest...

I'm getting really bad at this...someone beat me with a wooden spoon!

Well, I met with the doc last Friday (although I go every 4 weeks, I haven't seen Dr. Kwon himself since he took my staples out back in August).  I only lost 1 pound this month.  :(  I'm over it, though.  I'd been using a new meal supplement program, and I've also been cheating a little (ok...a lot).  Anyway, getting in WAY too many carbs and thus slowing down the process.  So, I'm back to eating real food again.

I'm not such a big fan of eating 3 meals a day anymore.  It means a lot of pre-planning and timing and can get stressful sometimes!  Often, my stomach just isn't up for all that food at once (by "all" I mean 6-8 oz).  Over the weekend, I was able to finish my breakfast, but I couldn't finish any meal after that.  I guess it'll take time.

Dr. Kwon also told me I need to start eating fruit.  I hadn't been eating it at all.  I bought some bananas and some precut fruit salad.  Yummy!  I don't mind being told I HAVE to eat fruit. :)

I might get back into eating yogurt again.  We'll see...it'll be good with the fruit and goes down nice and easy.  Right now, I'm eating eggs.  However, in an attempt to hype up the protein content, I seem to have put too much cheese in them. UGH!  I don't like the idea of eating eggs every day anyway.  Although I do half yolkless (can't eat egg beaters.  They REALLY mess with my stomach), I still feel as if it's not all that healthy. I like eggs with a little bacon or sausage as a treat on the weekends.

I like to do soup for breakfast, but I didn't have time to make any...well, I did make soup, but it's for dinner.  Perhaps next week I'll make soup for breakfast.  Since I'm not supposed to do "normal" breakfast foods (cereal, toast, oatmeal, etc...) I need to be creative.  Any suggestions?

The doc was very impressed with my weight loss progress.  He told me I could stop losing if I wanted to.  However, I'm still 35 pounds shy of my personal goal.  I think I'm going to keep trying for a little while longer.  I can't believe it'll be a year since my surgery next month!

I've got plastic surgery on my mind.  Part of me isn't so keen about going under the knife again so soon.  At the same time, the weight of the skin causes pain in some places.  Plus, it makes certain physical activities difficult because it gets in the way, makes noise, and messages with my balance.  Insurance most likely won't cover it anyway, so...we'll see.  I have to see if I can find a corporate sponsor. :P

It starts NOW, 'cause tomorrow don't exist

I didn't go back out to the convenience store this evening and get coffee and nuts.  I did get coffee from the jail, but with regular creamer instead of sweetened.

I keep talking about tightening the reigns on myself, but I don't see myself actually doing it.  Today, instead of eating the soup I brought for lunch, I stopped and picked up a soup and a wrap.  This is getting ridiculous.  Although I'm not binging or eating compulsively, I'm not happy with the way I AM eating.  It would have been so easy to say, "I'll start it tomorrow."  Actually, that had been my original idea when I decided I was going to go back out this evening and get nuts.  But, tomorrow never comes.  If I don't start NOW, I won't start.  So, I started now.  No more sweetened creamers.  No more cocoas.  No more going outside my food plan (except for the unforeseen stuff like being asked out or something of the like).  No more splurging with the wraps and such.  My dietitian said I can treat myself ONCE a week, and that's what I intend to do.  I am NOT going to gain wait.  I am NOT going to fail.  I am NOT going to stretch my stomach back out.

This time, I AM a SUCCESS!

Friday's appt

I forgot to post about Friday.  It went great.  I've lost another 5 pounds...I'm almost the same weight as my husband now.  WOOHOO!  And I've almost lost 130 pounds.  Pretty exciting!  Jody couldn't compliment me enough.

I've also got an appointment to see a plastic surgeon...I don't know how that will go.  I really want/need surgery...I have a lot of skin to get rid of and it REALLY gets in the way.  It messes with my balance.  Also, I can't run or do sports because the skin makes noises...it's very embarrassing!  However, insurance almost NEVER covers the post op plastic surgery.  Anyone what to donate to my self-beautification fund?

I'm so glad I made it to this morning's OA meeting!  I almost didn't.  Dave really wanted me to go on the trip with him today.  And I really wanted to go with him like I usually do, but I hadn't been to a meeting in 2 weeks and was really feeling disconnected.  I felt guilty not going with him, but I knew I needed to be at the meeting.  Like Chicky, I was not happy when Diane stated her topic - Believing the Lies.  "What lies?!" my brain shouted!  I'm recovering, I don't believe any lies!  The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized that, yeah, there are some lies I'd been believing...

1. I'll start tomorrow - I know this is a lie, and I'm getting better at recognizing it when it comes up.  However, I know there are still times when I buy into it.

2. My sponsor doesn't need to know - Often, when it's just a little change to my plan, like a cup of coffee, I tell myself I don't need to surrender it.  However, I know that, as soon as I start thinking that way, that's when I need to surrender it most, because it means I'm hiding something, or want to hide something.  I'm getting ready to test the water and run the risk of diving in deeper and getting into trouble.  Also, if I'm not willing to admit to her what I'm eating, it's because I'm afraid she's going to take it away from me - tell me I should remove it from my food.

3. I get together with friends for the food - Today I had plans to get together with a friend.  I was very disappointed when she texted me to ask if I wanted to have lunch with her at work - meaning fast food.  I don't do fast food.  What I realized though, was that I'd actually been looking forward to getting together with her because we usually go out to eat.  I wasn't looking forward to visiting with HER, I was looking forward to the MEAL that I expected to get with her.

4. When I say I'm tired, I'm not really tired - Many evenings, I don't go anywhere or do anything because "I'm tired" or "I need to relax" because "I worked so hard today..."  I realized in the meeting today that these are really just excuses.  If I go out with others, I may not be able to eat the food I want to eat, when I want to eat it.  I may not get to eat at all!  So, I hide in my home in order to be able to control my eating and ensure my eating.  How sad is THAT?

Tied in with that is the idea that I don't have any time - don't have time to read important literature, don't have time to make phone calls (for business, pleasure or OA), don't have time to...whatever.  Yet, I get home at night, run around frantic for an hour getting ready for the next day and then crash in front of the TV for the next however many hours.  The real truth is that I have the time, I'm just not willing to take it.  I think, at least in part, it has to do with control.  If I'm, for example, on a phone call, there's no controlling how long the call will last, and, therefore, it might mess up any other plans I've had.

Something old, something new

Well, I've started falling back into old and bad habits...snacking more, being a little lazy in my measures and so on.  So, I'm trying something new.  A friend of mine works with a program called Silhouette Solutions, so I'm giving it a shot. 6 small meals a day - 5 supplements and 1 real meal.  Today's my first day, so I'll let you know how it goes.  So far, I'm doing ok.  I was worried that it would bother my stomach, because their supplements are made with whey - which gave me a lot of problems before.  Right now, though, I seem to be tolerating them just fine.  I'll tell you this much though - they are the BEST protein/meal replacements I've EVER tasted!
I'm also hoping they'll make life a little easier.  I'm always worried about whether or not I'll have enough time to eat or eating too fast to make meals fit into tight times...it's frustrating at times!  Now, I won't have to worry so much about it.  Each meal is only about 1 - 1.5 ounces, so I can do that in 5-10 minutes.  Good to go!

Tomorrow I have my doc appt.  I'm a little nervous because, as I said, I haven't been 100% on track.  My scale says I haven't gained, which is good, but it also says I haven't lost.  As long as I haven't gained, I guess I'm good to go.

Stop listening to the head!

Sometimes I make bad decisions...I had chicken set aside for dinner last night.  I wasn't in the mood for it, so I grabbed trail mix at the convenience store instead.  Well, by 8:00 I had the shakes... apparently, there isn't much nutrition in cheap trail mix.  UGH!  I HATE that feeling!  So I ran home as fast as I could and had a little salad and some protein chips.  I didn't want to eat too much because it was almost 10pm by then.

Mea Culpa

Sorry it's been so long since I've been on.  I'm lazy...and busy, but I have plenty to say.
First off, I'm almost the same weight as my husband.  WOOHOO!!  I have about 40 pounds til goal.  Then...what?  Well, start doing research and sending out letters and seeing if anyone will be willing to sponsor all my plastic surgery...'cause I'll need a lot of it.  I LOVE the way I look in clothes, but all that hangy skin in the mirror is kind of creepy!

I've been doing OK staying on track, but not great.  It's so easy to get sloppy, so I'm working harder at attending my OA meetings and keeping in touch with my sponsor.  Coffee is a real pitfall for me.  I love it!  One might think it's innocent, except the calories and carbs from the creamer add up.  I'm trying to convince myself to switch to tea in the afternoons.  So far, no success.

People keep asking me how I feel.  I feel GREAT!  I can do so many things.  I can breath.  When I sit at a booth in a restaurant, I feel as though I'm about 10 feet from the table.  It's so strange!  People keep complimenting me on the way I look; it feels nice and strange at the same time.  Overall, I just feel healthy and that's a good thing.

The last two weeks have been a little difficult.  I keep thinking about food a lot and the things I miss.  For example, I keep thinking about snickers bars.  MAN!  I used to love those things.  It's hard, sometimes, to go into a convenience store, or stand in the check out line with all that junk staring at me, calling my name.  I just keep reminding myself that the momentary taste of that food is nowhere NEAR as good or as long lasting as the way I feel right now.  Plus, if I fill my tiny belly with that candy bar, I won't have room for my protein is what's helping me lose weight.

Ok, gotta run.  More later!

The end is in sight

I posted last Thursday, but I didn't give you all the good news...
I had my latest appointment with the dietitian.  I weighed in, finally, under 200 pounds!!  I don't know when I weight 100-and-something...back when I was ten?  Anyway, it's very exciting.  Now I'm working even harder to meet my goal weight by my anniversary date.  I know I can do it as long as I keep focused.

Thoughts

The last couple of days have been difficult.  I’ve been craving food.  This morning, I keep smelling the frozen pizza my husband eats for dinner sometimes.  It’s amazing what happens when cravings set in.  My mind starts to race, and my body becomes tense.  My natural reaction is to just stop thinking and give in.  I feel very frenzied – almost insane.  It’s hard to resist because my body tells me it’ll feel so good!

Fortunately, I am able to resist, but there is still a part of me that doesn’t want to.   That bothers me.  I know the trouble that binge eating will lead to, so why do I still, in part, want to give in?  It’s like something inside me believes that eating certain foods will be like heaven, but the rational part of my brain knows this isn’t true.  It’ll feel good while I’m eating…but after that it’ll be hell because of the guilt and weight gain and shame.

I’m glad I’m able resist each time that I do.  At the same time I wonder, will I really be able to do this for the rest of my life?  I might have as many as 50 years left!  50 years of fighting urges every single day…is that really possible?  I guess that’s why in OA we keep saying one day at a time…I think if I spent too much time thinking of this as a lifelong thing, I’d probably become overwhelmed and give up.

I spent more time thinking after the post l left yesterday.  Some have expressed concern about my weight loss goal - that it's unrealistic and that I might be setting myself up for failure.  This is my idea about setting the weight loss goal: Shoot for the moon.  If you miss, you'll still land among the stars.

I don't remember where I read that, but I like it a lot.  Often we set goals thinking we MUST meet them or else.  Really, it's the striving to meet the goal and how much we accomplish along the way that are important.  Whether I hit 150 by July 15th or not, if I work hard, follow directions, and continue to grow, I'll be a much better, more whole, and healthier person than I am today.

And let's talk about that word failure.  As a teacher, I work hard to convince my students they aren't failures (I know...I work in a jail.  How can the possibly NOT be failures, right?).  Well, we all make mistakes.  If we're smart, we learn from them and move on.  The only times we fail are 1. when we don't try and 2. when we refuse to learn from our mistakes.

Short food reflection...

I was on another bus trip with my husband today.  I was thinking about all the food I didn't eat.  I had some nuts for breakfast, a salad with chicken for lunch and some soup for a snack (strange snack, I know).  In the old days, when we stopped at Burger King, I would have had a breakfast sandwich, large hash browns and french toast sticks.  For lunch, I probably would have had a big deli sandwich and chips.  Then we stopped at a rest stop on the way home.  Instead of just having soup, I would have ordered a large sub and chips or gone over to Burger King again.  Wow!

BK was interesting this morning.  They have the calorie count on everything now.  Some of those breakfast meals were over 1200 calories...that's my entire intake for the DAY!

Something to check out

I just joined the Obesity Action Coalition.  There website is www.obesityaction.org.  I'm going to try to figure out how to add a link directly from my blog to them.  If you have any desire to learn more about the epidemic of obesity or even support the cause, this will be a good place go to.  Membership is $20.00.

I've got the joy!

This really has been an interesting journey.  I remember back in December I was really craving food.  I don’t know if it was the holidays or just par for the course.  It was very upsetting for me.  I really wanted food – I wanted to be like everyone else and able to eat whatever.  However, I’m not like everyone else – or what I PERCEIVE as “everyone else.”  I am me, and I have problems with food.

Now it’s March.  I weighed in today at the doctor’s office and I am finally below 200 pounds – I was 198!!  I don’t know when I last weighed under 200…sometime in my young teens I imagine.  For me, this is cause for celebration.  Of course, my first thought is to go out for dinner, but I don’t think that’s an appropriate way to celebrate this.  I think I should buy myself a nice new outfit.  Or celebrate by just being with friends and family.  Or perhaps start setting aside a few dollars with each pound I lose between now and my goal, so I can buy myself something stunning when I finally reach my goal.  Or maybe get a charm bracelet and start filling it with things that symbolize my journey, so when I do feel down or temped, I have something on me always to remind me where I’ve come from and why it’s important to continue the fight.

Lately, I haven’t been tempted by much.  Let me rephrase that, there are temptations, but it’s not as much of a struggle as it was in the past.  Partly, I’m too busy.  Between work, the gym, and karate, I don’t have time for food – other than my scheduled meals (sometimes I barely have time for those!).  Therefore, when temptation strikes, it’s not really realistic to even attempt to give in.  Also, I love the way I FEEL these days – light, beautiful, healthy, happy…I wear heals all the time, and it’s so much fun!  I can cross my legs when I’m sitting.  I can keep up durning karate class.  I can walk up a couple flights of stairs.  Life is a whole new adventure trying to discover and savor the things I can do now that were a struggle less than a year ago.

In terms of my abstinence…I’ve lost count.  At my last OA meeting, I received my 60 day chip.  I’m probably around 90 or beyond at this point!  To me, this is absolutely amazing…Having this surgery is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.  It allowed me – forced me – to give up the foods I was addicted to and change my focus.  I know the struggle will always be there.  For example, without realizing it, carbs have infiltrated my life.  I’ve been eating a little fruit.  I added Fiber 1 to my breakfast for health reasons.  My protein chips have carbs in them and so do my vitamins.  I’m supposed to be eating no more than 30 carbs per day, but I think I am eating about twice that right now because I wasn’t tracking how my dietary changes introduced carbs.  Now, I am aware, and I’m making the necessary changes to bring my carbs back down.

I am actually beginning to become thankful for my addiction.  I know that my sound strange, but I think it’s a better addiction than drugs or alcohol.  I just wouldn’t be able to handle that.  Plus, now that I’m on the road to recovery, I’m learning so much about myself!  I’m finally able to work through and shed so many things from my past.  Also, my use of food helped me survive the trials of my life.  This no longer works for me, now I’m finding better things, but my life may not have been survivable without food before.  Now, when I’m stressed, I go to the gym.  I’m happier than I’ve ever been – even with all the difficulties I’m dealing with right now.  I appreciate life like I never have before.

Thanks, be to God for bringing me through!

Me No Likey Sugar Nomore

I had an interesting experience with sugar yesterday.  I ordered a flavored coffee that turned out to be flavored with syrup, came mounded with whipped cream and drizzled with caramel.  Sounds divine, right?  Well, I scooped off at least half of the cream and attempted to drink the coffee.  I didn't even make it half way through!  It was so sweet I couldn't stand it - it didn't even taste good.  My stomach was doing turnovers!
This morning, I baked a cake for my husband.  It smells wonderful.  At the same time, the thought of taking even one bite makes my stomach churn...

I guess I've been off sugar long enough that my body no longer feels friendly toward it.  This is a good thing.  It'll make it that much easier to resist temptation.  Earlier in the week I tried high protein cookies.  They also had a high sugar content (20-something).  One bite, and I tossed them away.  I'm glad they weren't that expensive!

The road less traveled

wb page 25 #10

Why do I need to follow this new path?

Because if I don't, I'll die.  It's that simple.  I can remember - about 4 years ago - sitting in my apartment eating dinner.  I had a giant hamburger slathered with cheese, ketchup and mayo.  I also had a STACK of homemade french fries also slathered in ketchup and mayo.  I had a bottle of cream soda to drink.  For dessert, I was going to have a pint of Ben and Jerry's.  As I sat there with my food, I thought to myself, "I'm killing myself.  I don't care.  This food is so damn good, but I know I'm killing myself.  One day, I'll just have a heart attack and die."  I really didn't care.  I wasn't scared.  It was just a fact.  I loved food - was IN LOVE with food and my obsession was going to kill me, but I wasn't about to give it up.  I didn't think I could give it up because it was stronger than me.

Therefore, I know, if I don't stay with this path I'm on now, I will die.  There is heart disease and diabetes in my family.  At the time I went in for my surgery, I was suffering from sleep apnea (which I had surgery for years earlier), high blood pressure, and acid reflux.  It was only a matter of time...

I think, also, if I don't stay on this path, it'll ruin my marriage.  My husband loves me, and I don't think he could have stood by much longer and watched me kill myself.  It was really hurting him to see me get sicker and weaker and less energetic.  We used to fight about food more than anything else!  How is that for strange!?  Most couples fight about money or kids or something of the like.  We fought about food and which new fad diet I was trying and whether or not it would work and why I just needed will-power!

Finally, I need to stay on this path because I have to much to live for, and, perhaps, if I am successful, then my story might help someone else.  And, above all else, making a difference and being there for others is what I'm all about.

I can see clearer now...

wb page 25 # 9

What can I do when I feel unstable?

Um...pray?  Seriously though, I feel unstable a lot.  Today, I baked two giant cakes for a party my husband's having at work tomorrow.  I know, a lot of people would say, "why do you do that to yourself??"  I do it because I believe I need to learn to live with food.  Just because  I can't eat the cake, doesn't mean I can't be around it or even make it for others.  Anyway, the smell was/is maddening!  I want to dive in head first.  Here are the steps I've taken to clear my head:

First, I took deep breaths.  Then I brought to mind how much I love my new body and why - like the fun of wearing heals, and the comment a student made today about how graceful I've become.  Finally, I reminded myself that there is no real satisfaction that'll come from eating the cake.  It might relieve the tension I have about food for a second or two, but as soon as it's over, I'll feel worse than I did before I started.

Now, I'm sitting alone in the house with two giant cakes that have yet to be frosted.  I am fine, relaxed and stable.  The smell is still divine, but instead of agonizing over it, I'm just enjoying it (cake smells better than it tastes anyway).  When the time comes to frost, I'll be tempted by that too, and I'll remind myself that, if I eat the frosting, I won't have room for dinner.

I often pray as I'm taking my deep breaths.  Not necessarily with words, but just sort of reaching out with my mind for help.  I find that helps me relax as well.  I'm learning that, for me, finding stability is about relaxing.  When food starts clamoring in my head, I tense up and become fogged, unable to make a good decision.  Hence the deep breathing and mental prayer help to clear me up and bring me down.

Winds of Change

One thing they warned us about pre-surgery, was the fact that, one day you can eat a food, and the next day, you can't.  Well, that sure happened to me last night!  I've been eating sugar-free chocolate now since the beginning of January.  Not all the time - a couple times a month when I need a treat that is not protein related.  Last night, I decided to have just such a treat.  Man!  Did I regret it!  I felt SOOOOO sick afterward!  And I didn't have that much, but I was nauseous and my stomach hurt.  I just wanted to die.  So, I guess no more chocolate for me for awhile.

On the other hand, I tried a new protein bar.  It has whey protein in it, which was making me sick for several months post-op.  I haven't had whey in at least 4 months, so I decided I'd give it a shot.  I tried a bar on Sat and again on Sun.  So far...it's been ok.  I don't plan on eating them every day, but I thought they'd be a nice break to my protein chips.  I'll keep you posted...

I'm trying to get into a regular exercise routine.  My husband and I have started Karate, so I'm doing that twice a week.  The other 5 days I'm trying to get to the gym and do some heavy walking and core training.  It's not always easy to get myself there, but once I'm there and in the thick of things, I'm glad I went.  The mind just doesn't want to work hard, ya know?

Just ramblings

It's been awhile since I've written anything. Honestly...it's laziness. I have to use a different e-mail to log into the blog, which means I have to sign out of my other e-mail, and I'm just too lazy to do that. Isn't that sad? Well, I'm here now...

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I seem to have hit a plateau. It's kind of a bummer, but I'm dealing with it. Honestly, I'm hoping to get to my goal weight by the first anniversary of my surgery date. I know that's asking a lot, but I also know it's not impossible. It does require that I follow every rule and instruction of the dietitian, though. Over the last 2 weeks, I haven't been QUITE as faithful as I could have been, and I've seen the results on the scale. Also, I'm less than faithful with regular exercise. Every day I intend to correct that and every day something "comes up." I made it to the gym today though! I spent 30 minutes on the treadmill workin' it!

Food has been tough lately. It seems to be calling me from all kinds of directions. I miss frosting terribly! And there's ALWAYS cake in the house because my husband loves cake. I also am missing fast food. Today I started showing "Supersize Me" in one of my classes and the beginning where they show all the food KILLED me! I literally started salivating. :(

I've also increased my portion sizes. There's nothing wrong with this. We're allowed up to 9 ounces per meal. It's just that, after so many months of only eating 4-6 ounces per meal, 9 seems like a lot! Usually, though, I only eat 9 if I'm having yogurt - which I water down with milk (I eat the Greek yogurt which is WAY to thick for me) or if I'm eating soup. With the soup, it doesn't really "count" as 9 because I'm only supposed to count the solids, but mentally I'm looking at the broth too.

I'm also trying to finally add some veggies and fruits. For breakfast, I'm cutting a little fruit into my yogurt. At lunch, I eat soup a lot, but make sure it has some veggies in it. This week I'm eating homemade cheddar broccoli soup. Yum! Dinner, I don't always get veggies in because it's generally late and I don't feel like eating much.

That's where things stand right now...I'm still waiting for the scale to show the magic number 199...I can't wait!!

Oh...one more thing...like I said, in one of my classes we just started watching "Supersize Me." He starts off by talking about those 2 girls that sued McDonald's for making them fat. Personally, I think that is just ABSURD! Everyone knows fast food is bad for you! McDonald's did not FORCE the girls to eat their food...and yet the judge went along with it saying if they could prove intent on the part of McDonald's. What do you think...?

What makes you angry?

Today was a trying day. I traveled with my husband and his choir to Hartford, CT for a concert. Lunch was too early, so I wasn't able to eat lunch (the church fed us). I had no money, so I wasn't able to eat when we stopped for food on the way home. I was really angry and irritable because I didn't get to eat. Mind you I wasn't hungry (a normal person would have been...I haven't eaten since 9:00 this morning). I was just mad because everyone else got food except me. After a while, I was able to calm down enough to think about the situation. I realized I was being very ridiculous. Yes, physically I needed food for nourishment and to be healthy. At the same time, I was NOT hungry and forgoing a midday meal did not negatively impact my life in any way. So, why was I so upset? Simply because food is so important to me.

Once I realized that, I realized just how crazy it all was. I mean, I was really enraged by the whole situation. Who gets ENRAGED about not eating? I know I've been like this A LOT in the past, but never have I ever realized it or looked at it through rational eyes before. After I convinced myself that I hadn't really lost anything by not eating, I was able to calm down. I'm still a little anxious, but I'm forcing myself to sit with it. When we got home, I had a cup of cocoa because I could feel that I needed some kind of nourishment and milk has protein. However, I didn't eat. Instead, I'm forcing myself to sit with this until I can have dinner with my husband. I know that, on one hand, it's not the best thing because I need my protein. At the same time, I feel it's therapeutic. I don't want to give into the anxiety and anger and therefore reinforce it. I'm trying something new...

wb Page 21 #1 In what ways am I willing to adopt a whole new attitude about weight control, body image, and eating?

This seems to be a perfect question considering what happened today. Mostly, I'm willing to look at myself honestly and feel and accept my feelings even when they're difficult and especially when they're uncomfortable. I am NOT willing to just give in because that's what I've always done in the past. As someone told me once, "If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got." What I always got was shame, misery and fat. So, I'm working on something different, and, so far, it's working for me.

In terms of body image. This is a hard one. It's easier, in many ways, to have a better body image because my body is changing in a way that I like. However, at every step I allow myself to say, "if this is as far as I get, I'm willing to take it..." Also, in some ways my body is changing in ways that I DON'T like...my skin is VERY flabby and, sometimes, downright embarrassing. However, I try to embrace that too. After all, I abused my body for many years, there is no reason it should turn out perfect now. Also, there is no such thing as perfection. I need to accept myself for who I am. My flabby skin is not ME, it's only PART of me.

I had another official weigh in today. I've lost 122.5 pounds. Woohoo! Another 2.5 pounds and I'll be 200...when I reach 199 I'm gonna have a party. :) I can't wait.

I found out today that I've been drinking too much coffee. :( We have to limit coffee intake because of it's propensity to cause ulcers. I've been keeping my intake at one cup a day...one 20 ounce cup, that is. The NP told me it should be closer to an 8 or 10 ounce cup. OOPS!

I'm trying to bring yogurt back into my diet. I've always loved yogurt but got sick of it after it became my staple for the first 3 or 4 months post-op. Not to mention, we're supposed to be eating plain Greek yogurt - plain because there's not sugar and Greek because it's much higher in protein. It certainly is NOT as tasty as many of the other yogurts out there, and it's VERY thick. But, I'm doing my best. Adding fresh fruit and a little Fiber One. We'll see how that goes.

Oh, the pain of it all!

I don't know how people eat around the surgery - this means that, regardless of the surgery, they still manage to eat more than they should thus maintaining a high weight or gaining weight back. I really DON'T know how people do it. I sure can't! Not that I want to or even trying to.

The reason I bring the topic up is that, occasionally, I eat too much. For example, last night I ate my dinner. About an hour and a half later, I decided to have my snack. Well, my stomach just wasn't ready for more food, and I spend the next hour wishing I could throw up! Even one bite too many (as I've learned) can lead to AGONY.

Before surgery, I ate myself to the point of nausea, but it was nothing like this. Pre-surgery it was kind of like, "Ok, I feel like throwing up now." Now, however, when I take that bite too much it's like...I don't even know how to describe it. It's just plain unbearable.

So, again, I ask, how can people torture themselves by eating around the surgery? Maybe they don't feel as I do when they overeat. After all, the surgery is different for everyone.

At the moment, I'm trying to make my way through breakfast - cheesey chicken and cauliflower soup (I don't really care for solids in the morning so, when I can, I make soup). It's earlier than I'm used to eating, so I'm really not in the mood for food. I'm just trying to do my best. The soup came out pretty good though!

Update

The picture I just posted was taken today. I'm about 6 1/2 months post-op, and I've lost about 115 pounds.

V for victory

I have to say, I'm pretty proud of myself. Normally, I have 3 meals and a snack. Mostly, the snack is just because I don't get enough protein in during my meals, so it's to finish off my protein for the day. Yesterday, I got enough protein in - more than enough, somehow. When it came time for snack, I went looking for something, but didn't know what to eat. I didn't need protein, so I thought I'd treat myself to something different. However, there wasn't anything different that I wanted. Finally, I settled on my protein chips because I thought the crunch would be nice. In reality, though, I didn't need them. I wasn't even really hungry. I was just following habits.

I didn't eat the chips right away because I had eaten dinner late. I just had them sitting on the bed next to me. When the time came to finally eat them, I turned them down. I realized that not only did I not need them, I didn't WANT them. I was falling into old patterns of force-feeding myself JUST BECAUSE...just because the food was there...just because I could...just because I wanted to...

The fact that I was able to do that is a big deal for me. In the past, it was always so hard to say no to that yearning for food. Sometimes it still is, but I did it, and I'm pretty happy with myself!

Sweets for my sweetie

Last night, I desperately wanted something sweet! After I'd eaten my dinner I just really wanted something sweet, but I knew I wouldn't have room for it. About an hour later, I still wanted something, so I tried to think I about what I could have. I do have some chocolate in the house that I picked up yesterday, but I didn't want that. I'm saving that for my once a week treat, I didn't want my treat to be yesterday. Finally I settled on a clemintine. It's small, so I might have been able to fit it in my stomach, and they're very sweet, so I'd hoped it would stop my craving. However, as I lay there watching tv, I thought to myself, "but I don't NEED it. I've eaten enough for today and I'm not even hungry." So, I allowed myself to just live with the craving.

For me, that's HUGE. In the past, if I craved something, I HAD to feed the craving. I couldn't live with it. It would just get worse and worse until I was certain I was going to go mad. Plus, it was always like there was a child inside my head throwing a temper tantrum, "I want it and I want it NOW!"

This morning, the craving is gone. I'm eating a regular breakfast and I haven't gone mad because I didn't eat something sweet last night.

Okay now on to Step two:

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Work book page 11 # 1

1. As I look with the complete honesty at my life, how have I acted in an extremely irrational and self-destructive manner where eating is concerned?

Well, up until the point I began OA, I was convinced I was going to eat myself to death. There were even times I would sit with a big greasy burger covered with mayonnaise and french fries ALSO covered with mayo and though to myself, "I'm going to die. One of these days, I'm going to just have a heart attack and die.

Yet, I continued, to munching right away on the food that was going to kill me.

I also would get angry at people for taking my food - a fry off my plate, for example. I mean ANGRY! Don't EVER get between my food and me, not if you want to keep your fingers. I still get angry. I try not to, but now I get angry for a different reason. I have to weigh and measure everything. If someone takes a morsel from me, it messes with my count. Then what? Do I add more? Life without it? What if that one bite leaves me hungry at the end of the meal?

I have emotional reactions to food...crying or anger when I can't have what I want. Actual heartfelt love when I get something I really enjoy! I HATE this! It's just food! Why the hell do I have FEELINGS for it?

Going crazy!

Well, my food has been really good. The last 3 or 4 days have been really rough. Sweets have REALLY been calling me. I actually yelled at my husband on Friday. He was eating cookies in bed. I asked him not to put the plate next to me, and he didn't understand my request. I got angry and yelled at him about how I can't eat certain foods and it really gets to me, and I've been good for a month and blah, blah, blah.

However, my dietitian did say it's ok to treat myself once a week. Since I've been jonesing for something sweet, I decided to try some sugar free chocolate. I bought some NASTY stuff from the grocery store. It wasn't that great, but it did hit the spot, I suppose. I do still feel angry about not being able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, but I am also realizing I need to learn to live with food - as both my dietitian and my therapist tell me. I have to learn to treat myself to something fun, without going overboard or without dipping into trigger foods. I think it's so interesting how trigger foods work...chocolate is not a trigger. I can drink half a cup of sugar free cocoa and feel satisfied or portion of protein pretzels without going crazy. Put sugar in the chocolate or wheat in the pretzels, and I can't control myself!

I'm glad to have awareness, though. It makes it so much easier to make the right choices - even when I'm angry or feeling sorry for myself. And as my body changes and I notice something new I can do - like last week when I made it through an entire dance class and even jumped and hopped - I find it easier to turn food down. Feeling good feels SO much better than anything food can give me. And I keep thinking, "Nothing is so bad that food can't make it worse." I keep reminding myself of how bad I feel EMOTIONALLY when I eat...I certainly don't want that. Food just doesn't bring me pleasure anymore. I guess I'm at that point in my addiction where the drug no longer makes me feel good. I just use it to survive...to feel normal, well, while I was using.

I'm no ostrich!

Ok...homework...

W.B. page 8 # 6

Do I believe only an honest admission to myself of the reality of my condition can save me from my destructive eating?

I don't know what else to say to this but - YES. For a long time I tried to avoid the truth about my condition. I would be fine if...It wasn't until last year that I came to the heartbreaking truth - only in admitting my disease and seeking help would I ever be able to overcome it. It's been hard admitting it. Not so much in admitting it to myself, but in terms of being honest with others about it because they don't understand and sometimes don't even want to accept it.

I suppose it's like dealing with a major illness. If one has cancer or heart disease, but chooses to keep their head in the sand, not only will they never heal the disease, but they'll most likely die! And cause many others in their life to suffer as well

I stayed on track yesterday - I didn't eat anything I shouldn't have. The hardest part, honestly, was not getting what I wanted. When I feel I have little control over what I eat, or can't eat what I planned for, I get very upset. No matter what I end up eating, I feel as though I have't eaten. I feel I've been gypped. Inside, I throw a temper tantrum like I spoiled 5 year old.

I really don't like this about myself. It's something I feel I really need to work on. Food is food. It's meant to nurish! I shouldn't get upset about what I did or didn't have. Instead, I should be grateful I had anything to eat at all!

Although I know this intellectually, I think it'll be a long time before I grasp it emotionally. I am so emotionally attached to food. It's going to talk time to let go...maybe I never will completely.

Today's assignment:

workbook pag 6, d.

Am I in touch with my feelings, or have I buried my and anger and fear in false cheerfulness?

I used to bury my feelings deep, very deep. It was like I had this black well near my bellybutton and that's where they all were. Even happiness, love and joy were buried because it was dangerous to feel good - one never knew when disaster would strike and all the good stuff would be taken away. It was just too risky to feel good and too difficult to feel bad. If the feelings started to surface, I would cover them with food or physical pain.

Lately, though - over the last 6 months - I've been able to start pulling those layers of feeling out one by one, feel them, accept them for what they are, and lay them aside. It's certainly not aways easy. Dealing with feelings about my parents, for example, is terrible! There is so much pain. I want to hate them. Yet, I love them. Everything is mixed and mingled...

But when I'm able to be brave and do the work, the ways I grow and change are amazing. I love the way my life becomes fuller. Mostly, I learn that 1. I don't have to be afraid all the time and 2. I am a worthwhile person and can be taken care of.

I miss things...

I'm at work. One of the guys had a big ol' bacon cheeseburger and fries. MAN do I want to just dive in!!!

I miss cereal too. I don't know what to eat for breakfast anymore...I've been eating eggs and turkey bacon every day! I know that's not the healthiest, but I just don't know what else to do. I have to eat protein. Cereal isn't protein. Protein shakes don't fill me up. Plus, I don't really care for the taste of them anymore. I guess I could try going back to yogurt. I had some about a month ago, and I just didn't care for it. I have to eat the Greek yogurt and it's very thick...life's rough when you have restrictions. :(

Protein bars might be nice, but I'm not supposed to eat them. Too many carbs.

Sorry...just complaining 'cause I'm starting to get bored with my diet.

I also miss fruits and veggies. Most meals, I just don't have the room for veggies. Today, I forced myself to eat my squash. Now, I have a stomach ache 'cause it was too much food (6 oz altogether).

Truthfully, I've allowed myself to get busy with other things. I need to dive back into my cookbooks and whip up some new recipes. Perhaps that'll help. Something that does NOT include chicken.

This is IT!

Well, I had my latest appointment with the dietitian today. Good news...I've lost 100.5 pounds. WOOHOO!! I'm pretty excited about that. In terms of clothing size...well...I'm the same size I was when I was twelve (which isn't saying much since I'm a size 14). However, I'm pretty excited. They gave me a very nice certificate and everything. It made my day. :)

Food, glorious food!

Yeah, I'm working on that as my mantra as well. In Weight Watchers they'd say nothing tastes as good as thin feels. I always hated it! If nothing tasted as good as thin felt, then I never would have gotten fat! However, nothing does taste as good as abstinence feels...it's easy to forget that, but when I remember it, I know it's so true.

Are there any particular foods or eating behaviors which give me trouble?

Most certainly! Sugar and wheat I know cause real problems for me. Once I start in on them, I can never get enough. It becomes a snowballing obsession, and I only want more and more until they literally become my entire diet. I can't even make rational decisions about them. When confronted with a cake or a pizza, my mind becomes cloudy, and I find it very difficult to make a good decision about whether or not to eat them. This is why, if I know I'm going to be confronted with these kinds of foods, I make my decision BEFORE the confrontation happens. Often, that helps. It's even better if I tell someone my decision, because then they can remind me if I prepare to cave in.

I think other starchy foods such as potatoes and rice might be problematic as well, but I'm not 100% sure. I know they turn to sugar in the body, but I don't know how I would react to them now that I am clean of sugar and wheat. I haven't tried them and I have no intention of trying them any time soon. Once I reach my goal weight and the doc says I can start integrating them into my diet, I'll slowly give them a shot and see what happens...maybe.

What I do know is that, the diet I have now which is predominately meat, protein supplements, fruits, vegetables, and dairy, seems to be working well for me. My obsessive food thoughts are less. I am able to eat my serving and be satisfied, and I am often able to turn down the compulsion to eat when I am not hungry.

What does Food do for You?

I had a terrible nightmare last night that I gave in and ate some sugar. I don't remember what it was, but I remember feeling HORRIBLE about it. I've been abstinent since Sunday and giving that up was excruciating. I think the dream was caused by the fact that my husband baked himself a cake yesterday. The dream was very upsetting, but I was so relieved to wake up and realize it was just a dream.

How have I used excess food to escape life's problems?

I have finally been able to pinpoint how food makes me feel - ecstatic! It seems to be the best feeling on earth...at least while I'm eating it. The emotional crash afterward isn't so hot. Anyways, I used food in three ways.

First, to parent myself. When I needed to be taken care of, I turned to food. It was the one thing that never let me down and was always there. I parented myself by comforting myself with what tasted good and made me feel good.

Second, to make myself feel better. Food soothed the aches and pains - at least temporarily. When I didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling, food smoothed the feelings over and made me feel calmer.

Third, to stuff. If I didn't want to feel what I was feeling, I used food to stuff the feelings. It was like putting a layer over the "bad stuff" and pushing it down. Burying the bad feelings, the pain, the anger, whatever it was. Sometimes, it was also a punishment. If I didn't think I should be feeling the way I was, I would stuff myself as punishment because I knew I'd get fat and feel bad about myself.

A few more thoughts...

As I said before, I thought it might be useful to share some of my OA thoughts. It's all rather personal, but I'm not doing this just for me. I'm hoping someone else out there might get some use out of it, so here goes...

There are 2 things that have been on my mind. One is obsession with what I'm going to eat later...through the whole meeting tonight, all I could think about was what my snack would be tonight - was I going to have the protein chips or a shake. Back and forth all evening long. It was driving me CRAZY because it really wasn't all that important. However, this happens to me a lot. I hate obsessing about food. In the end, I chose the chips simply because I need the shakes for work and cannot afford to buy more this month. It really sucks being broke...often times I cannot afford the things I need to make this journey work...

The other thing that's been on my mind is perfection. It actually came up in a story that was read this evening. The person who wrote the story said he doesn't worry about perfection because he cannot be perfect. However...I worry about it. If I slip up one day and chose to have a slice of cake or try a few french fries, have I completely thrown my abstinence out the window? Do I start all over again from square one? Or am I ok because I did abstain from compulsive over-eating? This is a tough one for me. Both my therapist and dietitian keep telling me I have to learn to live with food. I don't particularly want to give up any foods forever, but if I don't...It seems like a vicious circle to me.

Workbook page two: What other solutions( to overeating) have I tried, and what were the results? Am I still looking for solutions outside of oa?

I am no longer looking for solutions outside of OA, but I am using solutions...or at least tools...outside of OA. These tools would be my surgery and my therapist. They have been very helpful. The surgery helps me to maintain portion control. It also helps me to stay away from my trigger foods because I have to focus on eating protein in order to stay healthy. My therapist helps me to continue working on the emotional issues that contribute to my compulsive overeating.

Other solutions I've tried in the past are dieting, puring, starving, diet pills, exercise, diet clubs, and mail order diets. There probably were other things too...like shaming myself. None of them worked. Weight Watchers was the closest thing that ever came to working...in that I lost weight, but my head never changed and, eventually, the weight came back.

As Previously discussed...

Here is my first OA homework for your viewing pleasure...

1."In OA we are encouraged to take a good look at our compulsive eating, obesety-the dieting, starving, overexercising, or purging". Here is a first-step inventory of my compulsive eating history.

My compulsive eating history...Food has always had a significant place in my life, I guess. I remember going on my first diet when I was around 5 years old. I didn't mind so much - I got to eat a lot of yogurt, and I really liked yogurt - but I missed some of the good stuff too, I guess. I really remember food becoming important to me when I was around 10. My father re-married for the third time and his new wife resented my sister and me. I got very involved with eating food - the fatter I became, the more she took away, the more I stole to sneak in hiding.

Since then, there has never been enough food in my life. I horde food. I buy food that I never eat, just to have it in the house. It makes me feel good. I also insist on feeding others, because them eating when I can't have makes me feel better as well.

I've been on every diet under the sun, I think. I've binged. I've purged. I even tried starving myself, but that didn't last too long because I missed food too much. Just about every moment of every day is concerned with food. What will I eat for my next meal? Will I like it? Should I choose something else? Will I be missing out on something? What if life gets in my way, and I can't have that thing I've chosen?

Since my surgery, I've been able to think a little more clearly about food. I was forced into detox because I couldn't eat for over a month, and then slowly introduced only proteins and fruits and vegetables. However, I've learned that it is easy to become cloudy again. It's as though I always have to be at the top of my game. If I let my guard down, food will sneak up on me faster than I can say NO! I do find peace in my proteins, fruits and vegetables. These are not foods that cloud my mind. They are foods that I can enjoy, and then let go when I'm done eating. I do, though, still obsess a bit about when I'll eat, and what. Sometimes it scares me to see so little on my plate because I'm afraid there won't be enough. But if I eat slow, and mindfully, I get through and see that I am ok.

Recovery

Well, I've decided to get back into recovery...meaning that I've returner to Overeater's Anonymous. I had gone for a little while last year - before my surgery, but stopped going when I decided to have surgery because I didn't think they'd be very accepting of my decision. During a Christmas party, however, I found myself wishing I had a sponsor! I was really struggling with not being able to eat certain foods, and it really would have helped to talk to someone with the same issues. After some encouragement from an old OA friend, I finally went to a meeting this past Saturday...

It was like coming home! Those who knew me from before, were very glad to see me. No one judged me for my decision and many were encouraging that I made the right decision for myself. By Sunday, I had a sponsor.

I feel good. My therapist wonders if I'm really "addicted" to food (meaning pure physical need/response to certain types of food). She thinks my problem is more emotional and that, someday, I should be able to enjoy every food out there. I don't know. What I do know is that foods made with wheat, high in sugar, starches, or fried are foods that I really struggle with and crave. I can't have just one or a little bit or a healthy slice. I need to have it ALL. Yes, folks, I can sit down and eat an ENTIRE package of oreos. I can eat an entire pizza on my own. Fast food? FORGETABOUTIT! I would go to McDonald's AND Burger King back to back...mostly because I couldn't decide, burger or nuggets? So I'd get both. Well, all this pre-surgery. There isn't enough room for it now, but I bet I could eat it at least until I threw up and felt VERY uncomfortable.

Whatever my problem with food...whether it be emotional, or physical addiction, I don't want to ruin this surgery. I often fear that I'm eating too much and stretching my pouch - especially when I'm out to eat and can't measure my food. I've decided that, for now, when I go out to eat, maybe I should just have soup. Then, when I get home, I can have a protein shake.

I wish I was more regular with my blogging...maybe I'll start putting my OA homework on here. That's a daily thing...If I was more regular, maybe more people would read this...people like me who just need encouragement. It's not easy having issues with food, because we have to eat every day. And most people don't understand where we're coming from. "One piece won't hurt you...I won't tell anyone...It's the holidays..." The problem is, it's one piece everyday...no one is going to tell anyone...and the holidays run all year 'round...

No one encourages an alcoholic to just take one drink...