I survived the holidays...how 'bout you?

Well, I did it. I made it through Christmas. It wasn't easy, but I did it. Actually, it wasn't too hard, because, for the most part, I wasn't feeling well anyway, so I really wasn't much up to eating. The hardest meal was Saturday night when we went out for pizza. Back home, we have the best pizza parlor on EARTH. Everyone was eating pizza, and I had this wimpy looking taco salad. The salad wasn't that bad, but I was just really missing the pizza. I sampled the pizza cheese and that was it. I didn't have a single cookie or taste of cake or homemade roll. I filled up on homemade chili and ham and AWESOME squash (I brought some home with me. Yuuuuuumyyyy!)

For the most part, I'm no realizing that controlling myself around food is about making decisions and not getting into debates with myself. As soon as I allow myself to debate about whether or not I should eat something, I've lost. So, now, I just tell myself no as soon as the thought hits my head. It's not always easy because there are times I really want something, but it seems to work most of the time.

I did splurge on my birthday, though. I had a couple of drinks (I was 3 sheets to the wind half way through the first one...cheap drunk!), and I ate two slices of bread. YUM! I have to REALLY watch out, though. First off, I shouldn't be eating this stuff right now. Second, it's very easy to splurge too many times in a week. I have to really keep the dietitian's advice in mind - once a week. I'm working hard. I really don't want to backslide...and it's easy to do.

The coolest part is that, while I was home, I got A LOT of compliments. Then my hubby keeps telling me how good I look. I love the way I look (although, the skin gets to me sometimes). So, with all this positive feedback, it helps me turn food down sometimes. For example, last night I was jonesing for some peanut butter. I was going to have it too. Then my husband made a comment that made me feel AWESOME...suddenly, the peanut butter wasn't so enticing anymore...although, I might go out and buy some sugar free peanut butter for the future. There is a website called bellplantation.com. They sell dehydrated peanut butter - they've sucked must of the oil out of it. When you want some, you just mix 2T with a T of water or anything else (jelly, honey...whatever). I just looked at the website, and now they have chocolate peanut butter. YAY!!! Anyway, the fat content and calorie content are really low (50 cals). They do add sugar, but not much.

Ok, I think I'm done babbling for now. Hope everyone is having a great holiday season.

Moving in low gear

Well, it's been a tough month. I only lost 4.5 pounds. Up until this point I'd been averaging about 3 pounds a week. So, it was tough to read what the scale had to say. I had a nice little cry about it in the dietitian's office and moved on. I only have 13.5 pounds until I hit -100, so I plan on working really hard the next few weeks to see if I can make it. It'll be hard though...

With all this Christmas junk around, it's very difficult to stay on track. Yesterday, I ate 3 chocolate covered cherries. They were yummy...I felt guilty but the dietitian said it's ok to have something enjoyable every now and then...once a week she said would be good. It seems I don't get dumping syndrome. :( I suppose that's nice in a way, but at the same time, I was banking on it to help keep me away from the BAD stuff. Instead, I have to depend on my head...if my head was dependable, I never would've been in this fix! Oh, well.

I'm sorry folks...

I'm sorry I don't keep up with this every day. I want to, I just don't think I have that much to say that's all that exciting.

I seem to have hit a plateau since Thanksgiving. Part of it is that I added an extra snack to my day. I cut that out. I also had started drinking a lot of tea and coffee. I'm trying to cut that back down too. Today, I forced my lazy butt to get out of bed at 6am to walk. I was going to use the treadmill due to the cold, but it seems to be broken (thankfully, it was a freebie from a friend!). Turns out, I really enjoyed my walk in the cold. The crispness was a nice contrast to the body heat I was generating. Plus, it forced me to keep my pace up to keep warm.

I have the best landlady EVER! She invited me over on Sunday and let me raid her closet. I was in desperate need of smaller clothes (I'm ALMOST in a 16 now. I can squeeze into it, but it's not QUITE comfortable), and unwilling/unable to spend money on them. So, anyway, she had me come over...now, she's much older than me, so I was worried about the clothes. Turns out, she has GREAT taste, and I've gotten a lot of compliments on my new wardrobe! It's also the largest wardrobe I've ever owned!

It feels so good to be stylish. As a fat girl, I never cared about my clothes because no matter what, I never thought I looked good. All I cared about was that I was comfortable. Now, clothes feel better, and I can see a real difference. I like the way I look...I even want to wear makeup (although, I usually forget to put it on in the morning, but I'm working on it)! As my body begins to feel better, I feel better and want to take better care of myself. It's so awesome!

Often, people in weight-loss groups say, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." For me, this isn't true. Even though I feel fabulous and excited about my changes, food still has a pull for me. It would be very easy to go back to my old ways. Food is definitely a drug for me and, just like an alcoholic, it still has a voice inside my head. Therefore, I don't think to myself, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." Instead, I weigh my options, and then try to make the best decision possible. When I start feeling the food pull in my brain, I try to analyze WHY I'm craving food at that moment and work to move on or drink some tea as a supplement if I just can't get it out of my head.

I think I have a long road of recovery ahead of me, but I'm now looking forward to the journey instead of being afraid of it like I was in the past. With the "drug" out of my system, I'm able to think more clearly. What was excruciatingly painful before, is now painful, but tolerable. I thank God that I chose to go ahead with this surgery because it gave me what I needed to break free...

Calgon take me away...

Well, my stomach is still bothering me a bit. I'm drinking my water...I'm taking vitamin E (I read in a book that it can help keep things moving)...I'm *trying* to eat veggies (but, I admit, most often don't)...yet I still just can't seem to get things going out! At least I don't feel like I'm DYING like I did earlier this week. Oh, that was aweful!

Next weekend I'm traveling. I have to go upstate. It'll be my first trip away from home since surgery. I have to figure out what foods and snacks to bring with my to make sure I keep my protein up while I'm gone. The hardest part, for me, is when my routine is off. Even weekends are hard. I tend not to eat my first meal until 11 or 12 in the morning. If I'm eating every 3 hours, 4x a day, that means I'm eating til midnight on the weekends! Maybe I'll just drink protein shakes all weekend. That'll make life easy. :)

Hmmm....

Well, I'm having issues...my stomach is killing me. :( I can't seem to go to the bathroom, and there's no room for food! I am an unhappy camper!

Word to the listening: DON'T DRINK MILK OF MAGNESIA! It is the WORST tasting stuff on earth...even worse than my stepmother's cooking!

No wonder it works...it grosses the SH$% right outta ya!

UGH!

I'm not sure what was going on, but last night was a tough night! I was jonesing for food even though I wasn't even hungry. Not only was I not hungry, I was stuffed...full! I had not room at the in, so to speak!

We celebrated my in-law's anniversary yesterday. We went out to lunch. I ordered a steak and then cut it up over a small salad. Before that, I had some chicken broth (the place we went has the best chicken soup EVER!). Well, everyone else ate WAY faster than I can eat. So, everyone was done eating, and I wasn't even half way through. Therefore, I started eating faster, because I didn't want everyone waiting for me...ohhhh...my stomach hurt so much by the time I was done! I won't do THAT again.

Then, in the evening, I still had to eat, but my stomach still hurt. I made a little taco salad for myself and forced it down...
Yet, when I was done, and although I was totally uncomfortable, I was still craving food! It made absolutely no sense to me. I'm not sure where my head was at, but I made some tea and called it a night.

I don't think I want to eat out anymore. It's too hard. First, without measuring, I often seem to eat too much. Even though I try to take my time, I still somehow always am uncomfortable by the time the meal is over. Second, like with what happened yesterday, everyone always finishes way before I can. I think, from now on, I'll just have a drink and enjoy the company or bring a little snack with me to much while everyone else has their meal. It's totally not worth the discomfort.

Since Thursday, I've been craving apple pie. There was an apple pie (store bought) on our Thanksgiving table and it smelled so good! I've been craving it ever since. So, this afternoon, I stopped at the grocery store and picked up some apples, splenda brown sugar, and walnuts. Then I found an apple crisp recipe and played with it...
I cut up 4 apples. Tossed in a tablespoon of lemon juice, a teaspoon of cinnamon, 1/2 teaspoon each of minced cloves and nutmeg, a tablespoon of vanilla, and about 1/4 cup of splenda. For the topping I mixed the chopped walnuts and 1/4 cup each of splenda granulated and splenda brown sugar and sprinkled it over the top. Then I topped it with a few thin slices of butter (but I don't think I needed the butter, it didn't seem to make any difference). I baked it in the oven for 40 minutes and it came out GREAT! It's just a little too sweet, so I'll cut down on the splenda next time. I can't wait to have dessert tonight! That is, of course, if I have room for dessert.

I don't often treat myself to something that's not protein, but I'm getting bored with my protein snacks, so I thought it would be nice to treat myself. It's a semi-healthy snack, and I plan to only eat small amounts at a time. We'll see how it works out.

Well, time to run. I have to finish preparing dinner. We have guests coming over tonight!

I have survived!

Well, folks, I DID IT!! I made it through my first post-surgery holiday. WOOHOO!!! I had dinner with my in laws. My mother-in-law made turkey (of course), stuffing (hers is the BEST I've ever had!), collared greens, macaroni and cheese (sooooo creamy), candied yams, and rice. For dessert we had apple pie, banana bread, and cake. Great stuff!

I was tempted for a minute by the mac n cheese. I thought to myself, "I'll just taste one noodle." But I didn't let myself do it. I was too afraid that one noodle would lead to a plateful. I just had a little turkey (I had no scale, so I had to guess at what 3 ounces would be on my plate) and a few bites of collared greens (mostly because my husband is very concerned that I'm not eating veggies...usually, I just don't have the room for them).

I was very satisfied with what I had. I didn't even notice the stuffing on the table. I didn't miss it or the corn or the mashed potatoes or even the mac n cheese, once I got started. It was so nice! I didn't stuff myself. I ate nice and slow, enjoying the company and the food that was on my plate.

Once it was time for dessert, I admit, the pie was killing me. It smelled SOOOOO great, but I tried to just enjoy the smell and not think about what I was missing. Instead, I made myself a cup of sweet tea (with artificial sweetener, of course). Later, I had some protein chips because I found I wasn't really in the mood for anything sweet.

So, I'm excited to say, getting through Thanksgiving was far easier than I expected it to be. It seems that, the further I get from my "drug" foods, the easier it is to turn them down. It's been over 5 months since I've eaten like that, and now my head is much clearer. I no longer feel the physical draw to eat these things like before. In the past, food called my every cell. When I smelled something, I HAD to eat it. I didn't have the will to make a choice. Now, I have a choice...the freedom is really amazing.

And the winner is...

Me! :)

Wanna hear something funny? We get these "personnel bulletins" on a regular basis through work e-mail. This morning, I opened my e-mail and the bulletin was "is weight loss surgery right for you?" I would have to say, YES!

I had my doc appointment yesterday. They're very happy with my progress. I'm down 82 pounds...in 5 months, I lost more than I did in 2 years of Weight Watchers. WOW! And this time, I'm keeping it off! I'm working very hard to follow all the rules and directions and only eating what I should be eating when I should be eating it. Right now, I'm having a yummy protein shake. I kinda like drinking my breakfast. It's actually more relaxing that eating.

Healthwise, I feel awesome. The dietitian went over my blood work with my yesterday and everything was pretty much normal...things that were low or high pre-surgery are perfect now. I just have to work on my good cholesterol. So, when I go shopping today, I have to buy ground flax seed. She said regular exercise will help too.

That's the one area I've been lacking in since we moved. I got a treadmill for the house from a friend, but it's very old and doesn't quite support my weight yet, so I don't like it. Although many mornings I'm awake by six, I just can't convince myself to get out of bed. :( Mornings before work are my best time to exercise.

So, I've made a goal for myself. I'm next appointment is 4 weeks away. I'm 18 pounds from losing 100 pounds. This last month I lost 14 pounds. Therefore, if I keep my protein up and add exercise, I bet I can lose 18 pounds in 4 weeks. So, hitting the 100 pound mark will be my motivation to get my ass out of bed in the morning!

What a headache...

I have a thumping headache today 'cause I haven't been sleeping. Stress, it's a killer!

Anyway, food just isn't my thing these days. I've been doing 2 shakes and a meal. It's easier, and I just don't feel like dealing with food. Although, at my meeting last night they said if we eat too much protein, we'll loose faster. Of course, the down side to that is that we can damage our organs. Is fast weight loss really worth that? Hmmm...I would think not. What's the point of being thin if I'm on my death bed?

The new black?

When I looked into my hotmail, the banner ad on the right side was for a bariatric surgery clinic.
Before seriously looking into surgery back in April, I didn't realize how popular - how widespread - bariatric surgery had become. I'd seen lap-band commercials on tv and billboards, but I guess I didn't pay enough attention. Now, though, I see it everywhere - tv, billboards, mailers, banner ads. EVERYWHERE!

I don't regret my decision, AT ALL. I absolutely believe I've made the right decision for saving my life. Saving myself from myself. However, I find myself a little concerned that this surgery is so widespread and advertised like a pair of new sneakers. What exactly does this mean? That we can be lazy about how we eat because someone with a scalpel will always be there to save us? I don't think so, because there is so much work that has to be done both pre- and post-surgery. If you don't commit to the work, you'll just end up where you were before.

Is bariatric surgery to food addicts what methadone is to heroine addicts? Perhaps. Maybe this is the only rescue for those of us trapped on a hamster wheel that we can't seem to escape.
So, then, does that mean that food addiction runs deeper through our society than we imagine?

Yeah, I know, I'm just rambling here, but it's something I've been rolling around in my head for a little while now...well...since I had surgery myself and realize just how many people have one form of bariatric surgery or another each day! Thousands of us running around with abnormal stomach structures or foreign materials in our bellies.

What I do know, is that I am very grateful that there was something out there to free me from my bondage. I had tried so many diets and groups and...other things...I had finally come to the pit of dispair, certain that I wouldn't live for too much longer.
Of course, I also know that this isn't a "cure." Every day I have to be on my guard against temptation. I have to keep working on my head as well...learning better ways to deal with things and reward myself than with food. So far...so good...although I still REALLY want pizza!

Spy vs. Spy

I've been checking out some other blogs. Mine seriously SUCKS! I need to find time to get more technically and picturey and stuff! Add links. Whathaveyou. Sometime...when I'm rich and famous and don't have to work hard to put food on the table (mostly for my hubby since I don't eat much these days).

The last few days food has not been my friend. This morning I was sick, sick, sick. I didn't want to go to work, but I somehow managed to make it in. I don't know what made my sick as I haven't really changed my diet any. The only thing I did was try a new protien shake, but I don't think that's what sent my stomach to hell-o and back. (The shake is pretty nasty. It's like drinking lightly sweetened sand, but it doesn't mess with my stomach, so I'm trying to convince myself to like it)

I drank most of my shake for breakfast this morning. For lunch, I had lunch meat rolled in swiss cheese. Not the healthiest, I know, but it's easy finger food when driving. I had some veggies packed as well, but just no room for them. For dinner, I've planned a salad with chicken and olives. We'll see if I can get all that down. For my evening snack, I've ordered some new chip flavors, so I'm going to try those.

The most difficult part about this surgery, so far, is really being able to 1. supplement. As you know, supplements and I have had a continuing struggle with each other, and 2. packing healthy things for they day. I'm ALWAYS on the run - often leaving my house at 7:30 in the morning and not returning until 8 or 9:30 at night. I'm finding it hard to pack great meals to eat on the run. I keep looking, though.

The increadible shrinking woman

Well, I'm pretty darn excited! On a lark, I decided to look through the smaller clothes in my closet and see if anything fit - I have clothes down to a size 16 that I got from a woman through Weight Watchers 2 years ago. Turns out, I now fit into an 18. WOOOOHOOOO!!! I don't know WHEN I was in the teens before. I know I was wearing 12/14 when I was 13 because my father's wife made me wear her clothes. Other than that...I just don't know.

NOW I have some nice clothes to wear! I have a suit I can use if I get anymore interviews.

I have to tell you I was practically dancing around the house in my "new" clothes. I guess in another month, I'll REALLY have to go shopping. Right now I'm an 18, but I had been wearing 26/28s that I'd hemmed and stitched - no wonder my therapist said I looked like I was wearin MC Hammer pants!

Feed Me, Seymore!

I don't like feeling hunger! The problem is, there's no warning. It just sneaks right up on me. One minute I'm fine, the next minute I'm STARVING! At my support group meeting last night they said I need to keep more snacks on hand. I've never done that before because 1. I never needed them and 2. I'm afraid of eating too many calories throughout the day. 3. I'm supposed to stop drinking 30 minutes before eating. If I have no warning of hunger, how am I supposed to stop drinking? Finally, what am I going to carry as a snack? I can't eat most protein supplements. Nuts make me dump. They don't want us eating protein bars because they have too many carbs, although I do have one that I use once or twice a week because I just have no choice. I guess I'll have to start carrying fruit around or something. Vegetables do nothing for me. They don't fill me up AT ALL, so having them around as a snack won't help.

Anyone out there have any ideas??? I'm stumped. I'd say boiled eggs, but they don't want us eating more than an egg a day...although one egg for a snack in the afternoon might work out well. I don't know...

Today, hunger set in at 3:00. Problem was, I can't eat dinner until about 5:15! FORTUNATELY, I didn't finish my breakfast this morning. I had about 4 bites of egg left in my bag so I scarfed them down quickly.

I really don't want to get into the habit of snacking. Technically, we're only supposed to eat 3 meals and one small snack per day. I just need to find something I can carry around, without it going bad, just in case. One person recommended jerky (I was going to get venison jerky at the state fair this summer but the booth wasn't there. :( ). I guess I'll have to swing by the grocery store on the way home tonight and see if I can find anything for tomorrow.

Hmmm...can't think of a catchy title for today...

I'm finally starting to feel hunger again. I have to say, I didn't miss that feeling AT ALL! It was so nice to just not have to worry, not think about food or be distracted by it or, worst of all, worry about feeling the need to eat. Lack of hunger created such a freedom from food that I have never had before. Having that feeling back is almost depressing...

And when I feel hungry, it comes on like a raging furnace! There's not "oh, I'm feeling a bit peckish." Instead it's "I'm hungry, bitch, feed me NOW!" When this feeling comes on, it's very difficult to eat slowly or looking at my measly little plate of food and believe that it is going to be enough to tame the lion that is my hunger.

The one thing I have learned, though, is that it's all about timing. I can comfortably go 3 hours without food. Often, I can stretch that to 4 hours. However, my best bet, to keep from feeling hunger, is to eat every 3 to 3.5 hours. So, I try to plan my meals for that, although it doesn't always work. Life, of course, continues to happen regardless of my needs.

This morning, for example, I completely forgot to drink breakfast. I didn't even think about food all morning until, at 10:30, the lion woke up and started roaring for food. FORTUNATELY, that was the same time my class ended, so I was able to consider eating. Unfortunately, I still had to do my 30 minute waiting period after drinking. I guess this is why it will always be important to keep some kind of protein supplementations on hand - both liquid and solid.

I have to say, though. I am still glad I had this surgery. Yeah, it means all kinds of life changes, but this is on of the reasons why I am NOT afraid to tell people. I need to eat when I need to eat. I need to eat WHAT I need to eat. I need to take my vitamins when I need to take my vitamins. Therefore, if someone has a problem with my habits, I tell them outright: I had surgery. I can't just do whatever I want whenever I want with food, so let me do my thing! Most people are very cool about it once I explain myself. Many are accomodating. Many are curious. It often creates interesting conversation. I don't think I've meet a negative reation yet.
I take that back...I did have a vist with a physicians assistant who told me she didn't agree with the surgery. Personally, I felt her attitude was unprofessional...especially since she expressed it to me the first time I was in her office, and I was less than a month post-op and still a little fragile!

Ok, I gotsa work! More late.

Donate to the I need protein fund...

Well, I had my 3 month post-op visit on Friday. All is looking good. I've been getting a lot of compliments on how great I look and how healthy I look. It feels good.
I am officially lighter than I've been since high school! I've lost 68 pounds thus far. It's kinda hard to swallow, because a lot of people lose faster than I've been losing, but I'm trying to be ok with it. I'm just glad it's a steady loss instead of a yo-yo. Every Friday I weight myself and I'm averaging about 3 pounds a week. If I keep things up at this rate, I'll been down 100 before the end of December. WooHoo! I'll take that.

Now, as to my title...protein is EXPENSIVE...so, if anyone wants to help the cause, just let me know. ;)

I also need clothing, but I really don't want to buy right now. I want to buy clothes when I'm GOOD and skinny...like 200. However, I can't keep going around looking like a ragamuffin either. I guess I'll have to find some good thrift shops.

I did buy underwear this weekend. I needed it...my old stuff I'd had for almost 10 years! and you could practially see right through it.
I finally broke down and bought underwire. I HATE underwire because it's SO uncomfortable. But, when you put those girls in their place, I look like I've lost another 20 pounds! So...vanity won out over comfort. Afterall, I'm starting to feel good, so I gotta look the part. Right?

Let them eat cake

Good morning, faithful readers.
Last night I tried the most DIVINE calcium supplement. It's from Bariatric Eating. It's called lemon poundcake. The morsel is a tad spungy, but it really tastes lemony and sweet and cakey! Not like a vitamin at all. The best part, it has 500mg of calcium instead of 250 like the one I've BEEN taking, so I only have to take it twice a day instead of 3 times...of course, I have to finish all the boring calcium I have now because the stuff is just too expensive to waste. However, I have something yummy to look forward to the next time I order vitamins.

People keep asking me now I'm doing...I'm great! Food poses no problem for me...as long as it's not too dry. So far, I have not met a meat or a vegetable I cannot eat...I just don't always have room for the vegetables. Can you imagine your doctor telling you, "Don't eat your veggies?" That's the joy of bariatric surgery. Sometimes, you just don't have room for veggies. Sometimes, you do.

I actually learned last night at our meeting, that just about EVERYTHING affects how much your able to eat - hormones, weather, exercise...One day, 9 ounces may be just enough. The next, you're struggling to get in 3. Yesterday, for example, I was hurting after eating my 4 ounces of protein (I should have stopped at 3, but I'm a nazi about getting my protein in. I need to stop that) at lunch. Then, at dinner, I was afraid I had eaten too much because I went out with a friend, but I wasn't hurting at all...
So, one just never knows.

What I do know, is that I almost never eat breakfast in the morning, and I'm good with that. I have decided that I really don't care for early day solids at this stage in the game. I just drink my protein coffee and call it a morning. What stinks is that this coffee is so darn expensive! Anyone want to donate to the "I need protein" fund?

Well, I need to get moving along. Gotta head to work. I'll report back in another day or two.
Tchau

Beware: food additcts in the kitchen

Good evening all. I waiting for a friend to call back, so I figured I'd bug you.

Well, I'm starting a Pampered Chef business. WHAT? YOU CAN'T EAT? WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH AN INSANE THING??? Because...even bariatric patients need to eat! Besides, my husband still likes to eat. And, on top of that, I just love to cook and want to share my passion with others. So...if you need a frying pan or paring knife, let me know.

Food's going well. I just ordered some new vitamins (yay) and with them I ordered a few bariatric friendly snacks. I'm getting tired of eating the same things all the time. I'm ready for some change! We'll see if the CHANGE agrees with my stomach! In the meantime...I still need to figure out what's on the menu for next week. If I was brave, I'd try some fish...but I'm afraid I won't like the fish...
I know...I'm a wimp. What can I say?

If you could only see me now!

Hello, faithful readers!
I chose that title because I really do want to show pictures of my progress. How and ever (as a friend would say), I can't figure out how to make them small enough to fit. My little photo editor program won't work with me. Artists!

In any case, I'll let you know that things are going exceedingly well! This week makes 3 months since surgery. I am doing much better than I ever thought I would. That first month or two were hard, but in reality, the only problem was whey. Currently, have difficulty with very little - as long as I steer clear of whey or anything with a high fat content (I learned that the hard way. Turns out, dumping syndrome isn't always immediate. I at some nuts in the afternoon and had a very bad evening...).

I've been doing a lot of cooking for myself - usually at least one type of soup and then 2 other things. These last me through the week. Sometimes I'll add a veggie, sometimes not. I love soup, probably because it goes down so easily. The dietitian, though, said to drink the broth first THEN chew the chunks. Otherwise, the broth will just wash the food through, and I'll be hungry sooner. Right now this isn't a problem as I don't feel hunger still but down the road, it will be.

I have learned something new this weekend. I need to keep myself busy. As long as I'm busy, I'm fine. However, as soon as I have nothing to do, my thoughts turn to food. It's amazing how quickly it happens! However, now I know, and knowing (as GI Joe used to say) is half the battle. The other half (although he never told us this) is doing something with that knowledge. One thing I've chosen to do is drink. When head hunger kicks in, I'll make some tea or crystal light. This way, I'm still getting my liquids, my mouth feels like something's going on, but I'm not adding excess calories to my life. The next thing I need to do is find something to occupy me. I've gotten back into my cross stitch, work on the computer, write lesson plans, look for a job or go for a walk.

Oops! I gotta run. The oven's beeping at me!

Death by mastication

It seems that I chew too much.
When I was at my support group meeting on Tuesday, I explained that I was worried I was stretching out my pouch because I never feel anything. I don't feel stretching or pressure or anything when I eat. The dietitian asked me what consistency my food is when I eat it. I told her it's solid, medium sized bites, but I chew it to death, and then chew it some more because I don't want to get stuck. She told me I'm chewing too much, thus by the time I swallow, my food is closer to a liquid than a solid so it just glides right on past my stomach and into my intestine.
So...I have to chew less. I also need to eat a little faster. Instead of taking 30 minutes to eat, I need to take 20. Take small bites, eating semi-constantly as opposed to taking long pauses between bites to stretch the meal out.

Life gets more and more interesting each passing week. :)

Did I tell you I'm down to a size 22? The biggest I've ever been is a 32. At the time of my surgery, I was waffling between 26 and 28. Now I'm down to a 22. WooHoo! I can't wait to get down into the teens. I haven't been smaller than a 22 since I was about 16 years old. One of these days I hope to get pictures posted, but I don't know how to change the picture sizes on my computer! They're all too big. :(

It's good to read

I just found a great new magazine! When I ordered my coffee from BariatricEating.com, I also ordered a magazine called WLS Lifestyle. I'm only on the second article, but I'm really appreciating my purchase! I'll have to save up for the subscription.

I just finished an article about the 4 ingredients for success: Structure, Motivation, Accountability, and Support. Structure is a HUGH problem for me. I not good at that at all, and my current life doesn't make structure all that easy. However, I'm going to try to plan out each day in advance in terms of my food and exercise and see how that works. The author mentioned a woman who does her planning on Sunday, but I don't know if that would work for me...at least not to start.

In terms of motivation, I thought I was motivated, but she suggests building in rewards for successes. I haven't done that at all. I'm just trying to run the marathon. I'll have to take another look at that. The last paragraph of that section is GREAT, and I'm going to quote it here. "If you want to stop using food to meet your emotional needs, or as a way to respond to stress, or as a reward or celebration, you won't stay motivated to do so unless you decide what you are going to do instead to address those needs. It's a simple fact. No one stays motivated if they aren't getting what they need" (McCreery, Summer 2009, p. 13).
This REALLY spoke to me...what am I doing to do to make sure my needs are met? This is a question my therapist keeps asking me as well and, so far, I haven't come up with a good answer. I'd love to say I'm going to join a belly dancing class and return to Tae Kwon Do, but I don't have the money for either of those.

Another questions McCeery (2009) asks is "how they are getting in their own way" (p.13)? How am I getting in my own way? Well, my biggest internal pain and anguish is in relation to my family and my childhood. Is it possible, then, that I can't give up food, because I haven't given up that pain? Are they that linked to each other? I think they might be. No matter what causes me pain in the present, I always seem to related it somehow to my pain of the past.

Finally, McCeery has a website called www.TooMuchOnHerPlate.com. I'm going to check it out when I'm done here. When I read that I realized, that my not just be figurative. I often have too much on my food plate when I have too much on my life plate. I also have nightmares about eating too much (like last night) when I'm stressed or scared. Perhaps, in order to ensure my food stays at the level it should be at, I need to ensure that my life plate doesn't get too full.

Well, those are my thoughts for this morning. I'm going to check out www.TooMuchOnHerPlate.com and then head off to work. I hope you all have a blessed day!

I am NOT what I eat..(damn! I laid an egg!)

Well, up until now my diet has consisted of chicken, chicken, and, yes, more chicken. Why, you might ask? Because 1. it's what I craved for quite a while. 2. it went down easy and 3. it was just easy to make.
How and ever...I got REALLY sick of chicken and needed a break. So...this week...I made a nice pork tenderloin (I say nice because I actually cooked it right and it came out nice and tender), a turkey taco soup that's quite yummy, and turkey meatballs with stroganoff sauce. Yummy! I actually just finished a bowl of the soup, and it really it the spot.

Lately, I've been feeling pretty good. It kind of amazes me that, less than two months ago, I was feeling pretty awful. Now, it's almost as though nothing happened...except that I eat differently, chew differently, eat less, and don't drink with food. Oh, and eat with baby silverware.
Other than that...nothing's really changed. :)

Exercise is posing a problem these days. It's been 2 weeks since we've moved, and I just can't get my butt outta bed in the morning. So, today, I walked when I got home from work. I only made it half an hour, but it was a good work out. The road we live on is all hills (the first one is a REAL killer), so I just went up and down, up and down for the whole half hour. Better than the treadmill.

Guess what? If you need kitchen supplies LET ME KNOW! I've decided to start my own Pampered Chef business. I'm SO excited. It's something I've wanted to do for YEARS and never done. I know, you're probably thinking, "what is the bariatric patient doing giving cooking shows?" Hey just because I can't EAT everything doesn't mean I can't have fun cooking. Besides, I absolutely LOVE Pampered Chef products and am totally stoked about moving them. So, line right up and place your orders!

My order from BariatricEating.com came in today. I'm looking forward to trying the coffee tomorrow (I have to wait until tomorrow because there's caffeine in it). Hopefully it'll be as good as everyone says it is, and I'll have FINALLY found a protein drink I can tolerate.

Well, folks, it's time for me to start getting ready for tomorrow. Hope all is well. I'll report in again soon.
Tchau!

Dear Sinead, how will I look bald?

Well, it has begun. We were warned it could happen...and it is. My hair is falling out. In big clumps! When I wash my hair in the morning, I'm pretty sure I have more strands stuck between my fingers than actually remain on my head!
It doesn't seem to be noticeable to the look - at least not yet. However, I notice it when I blow dry my hair! I burned my scalp this morning, and my hair dries much quicker than it used to (which, actually, is kind of a perk!).
Tracy said that some people actually say that, when the hair loss phase ends, their hair grew in better than it was before, so that is my hope. I was already thinned on top because of my unhealthy vegetarian days. With any luck, when this side effect reverses, my shiny pate will forget it was thinned and fill right back in again. When I was younger I had GREAT thick hair. It was one of my best features. Now it's just thin and annoying.

In other news, I'm going to give a new protein supplement a try...I was told it's made with rice protein, not whey. It's from a website called BariatricEating.com. The other women in my support group rave about it...it's iced coffee! We shall see.
I'm also considering picking up a few packets of rice protein shakes at my local health food store...I'm just really nervous about spending more money on supplements. I've spent SO much money on the over the last 3 months. Not spent...wasted, or at least that's how it feels. However, even though I'm loosing, I feel as though I'm eating too much. I don't eat more than I'm supposed to, but I often eat more than I want or am comfortable with in order to ensure I get enough protein in.
Even the yogurt shakes are starting to get old (speaking of, don't try pureeing Asian pear apples to put in yogurt smoothies. It doesn't work too well. I had to chew my shake yesterday...)

Sorry for my absense

Sorry it's been so long since I've journalled. We just moved, and I didn't have access to the Internet - or the time for the Internet! We just finally got everything unpacked. The only thing left to do is hang the pictures and put the dining room table together. Maybe I'll work on those tomorrow...

Now the important stuff...my bariatric surgery journey...
Well, I went to the doc on Friday. I am officially down 54.5 pounds since I first saw them April 22nd. This means I'm down 29.5 pounds since the surgery...that comes out to almost 3 pounds a week since my surgery. Not what I had hoped, but they seem to be ok with it at the office, so I guess I can't complain.
I really expected the weight to melt off...somewhere between 5-10 pounds a week or something. That isn't happening. Honestly, it's hard work. I have to make sure I'm eating enough protein, watch my portion sizes, make sure I'm exercising...
I just try to do my best.

I tried protein supplements again. I wanted to see if I could hack them now. The answer to that is NOPE. I had a shooter at 6:00 in the morning last Thursday and my stomach was tossing and turning ALL DAY LONG! My allergist said I probably have an intolerance to whey. So my aunt is sending some rice protein for me to try...I didn't even know rice HAD protein! I'm also interested in trying soy protein, but I'm not ready to go throwing money at another experiment just yet.

That's about all there is at the moment. Things are going fairly well - the worst of it seems to be over. I did discover that I have to be careful about eating dry food - like over cooked meat. If my food is too dry it gets stuck and comes right back up! YIKES!

Ok, my friends. Time to go on the job hunt for a few. I hope all is well, and I'll try to be a bit more regular now that I'm back online.

Eating on the run...

Well, good morning folks. I'm typing this at the ripe hour of 6:37am (Been up since 4). Today I start my "full time" work...I'm not really working full time, but it will seem like it because of the crazy hours I'll be keeping. I have two classes, and then I have my support group. I'll be leaving home about 7:30 and won't be returning until around 8:00 tonight.

So, the million dollar question is...(drum roll please)...How do I keep such long hours and still eat? And eat healthy? No longer can I sidle into a Wendy's or BK and order myself something fast and easy. Instead, I have to think about every morsel that passes these lips! Since I still don't feel hunger, I could just as easily NOT eat but that would be very unhealthy.

What I plan is this...eggbeaters for breakfast (I'm munching them right now), yogurt shake for lunch, and left overs from the weekend for dinner. However...Wednesdays and Thursdays I'll be getting home even later...9 or 9:30...will I really want to eat so late? Perhaps an early dinner will have to do?

Or maybe I just need to pray for another job with better hours...good luck with that in THIS economy!

Don't know what you've got till it's gone...

Well, I know my posts have become less frequent. I guess that's because there's less to complain about. I seem to be doing fairly well. I do still have nausea from time to time, and I do still reject come foods now and then, but overall, I seem to be doing well.

I'm back at the gym - doing 2 miles per day. It's the first thing I do everyday, so I make sure it happens. If I wait, chances are, I won't walk.

The only food I really miss right now is pizza. I mean I MISS it. I dream about it. I salivate over the thought of it. Just one slice of really good pizza would make me SOOOO happy. But I'm not supposed to be eating that kind of food right now. Plus, if I eat a meal low in protein then that means I have to take some kind of protein supplement, and I DON'T want to do that because, right now, my body still thinks they're all gross.

Surprisingly, I'm finding, I don't miss food really at all - except the afore mentioned pizza. Other than that, I can do without. I don't know if it's because I don't have an appetite or because I know that I can't eat most foods or what, but I just don't really miss food. The other day I was in a REALLY bad mood. I popped into a gas station for gas. When I went inside to pay, I looked around and realize nothing was calling me! Normally, when I feel that bad, I would buy a couple candy bars and a thing of pringles or combos. This time, I wanted nothing! It was an amazing realization!

What I do miss is the feeling of stuffing myself silly. I don't miss food, but when I think about food - any kind of food - I think about stuffing myself to the point of nearly exploding. It's THAT feeling that I mess - being able to just eat whatever I want, whenever I want, until I am stuffed.
So now I wonder...was it ever really the food at all? Or was it the stuffing? Would I have been just as happy stuffing myself with well salted cardboard? And if that's the case, if it's the STUFFING I was really after and not the food, then why? What don't I have enough of that I'm trying to fill myself with something else?

I guess it's a good thing I have a good therapist. Hopefully she'll be able to help me unpack that one!

Please, sir, can I have some more?

Food is gooooood!
Ok, so, here's where we're at these days: I can have 2 real meals per day and one protein supplement. However, I just don't like the supplements! So, my dietitian relented and is letting me use yogurt smoothies as protein supplements - the catch is that whatever I flavor them with has to be no/low calorie...that means NO FRUIT! I can have up to 6 ounces of food at a time. However, that hurts my tummy, so I'm sticking with only 3-4 oz. The first 3 are my protein. If there's room left, I have a bite or two of e veggie.

I'm feeling pretty good. Although the dietitian said only 1 supplement, I've been doing 2. I think I need more protein than 75 grams. We'll find out tomorrow when I weigh myself. If I haven't lost, I'll drop down to 1 and see if I loose then. If I do, then I'll know I was eating too much.

I've gotten back into walking (once life started getting complicated last week I sorta stopped doing things to take care of myself). I'm doing 2 miles on the treadmill. My goal is to get up to 3 miles and then start working on an incline. I know it takes time, but I believe I'll get there.

No more pain in the tummy, unless I eat too much. No more nausea and very little gagging anymore. I pretty much know what to stay away from at this point, which is good. I'm making sure walking is the first thing I do each day, so I'm sure to get it in. Drinking the yogurt (I add a little water to make it a smoothie) actually helps with this crazy life I'm leading because a lot of time I'm not around long enough to eat a solid meal. How often do you have half an hour a day to sit and eat?

That's about all the news that's fit to print at the moment.

Outta touch with reality...I wish!

Hey, all. Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been busy with work and on the road. I had my first trip this weekend - went upstate for the fair. I was nervous about how it'd all work out, but it was ok. It was hard not measuring my food, though, and I'm sure I ate too much.

At my dietitian's urging I tried a different kind of protein - egg protein. It didn't make me throw up, but it was pretty nasty. My yogurt smoothies have the same amount of calories of I don't add fruit and the same amount of protein, so I'm just going to stick with them.

This last doc appointment was pretty disappointing. I was up half a pound. She told me not to be too concerned; there were a lot a lot of factors that could have contributed - protein consumption was down, constipation, I hadn't been exercising...so...I just have to get back up on the old horse.

My biggest thought these days is about food obsession. Several people over the last week or so have told me that I am obsessed with food. Honestly, I don't want to be. It's exhausting, but I don't know how NOT to be obsessed with food! First off, I kind of have to be right now in order to ensure that I eat enough protein. But I know I've always been obsessed with food. I think about it all day long - what's my next meal going to be? Where will it come from? How much? When...on and on the thoughts and questions go. It takes a lot of time and mental energy. Before I've even touched breakfast I'm thinking about lunch. Halfway to lunchtime, I'm thinking about dinner.

I don't know how to get out of that process. I don't like it, especially now that people are pointing it out to me. It's embarrassing. How does someone who is OCD get over thinking about washing their hands all the time?
It's not just an obsession with food...it's worry. I WORRY about food...and it drains me. And it affects my relationships with others. And sometimes it makes me feel like I am going to go right out of my head!

Excuse me, sir, can I buy a magazine rack for all my issues?

Well, it's been a rough couple of days. Suddenly, I can't keep anything down. It's par for the course, I know, but it works on the mind anyway. Yesterday I got up nice and early, so I could get ready for work and fix some protein supplements and so on. Well, I ended up gagging the whole way to work. It was very unnerving. I considered not going to work, but I made it through the morning. Suddenly, now, the protein powder and my stomach just don't want to get along (I'm trying to force my way through some mixed with hot tea right now, but I don't know if I'm going to make it). The problem is, I don't have many options left.

Yesterday afternoon I bought some isopure. It's a protein drink that looks kind of like juice or koolaid. I don't really care for it either because it's very dry and scrapes along your tongue like the fuzz on a peace. However, I'm mixing it with crystal light in hopes that will make it a little better.

I don't know how anyone uses this stuff willingly! I mean...all this supplementation is a HUGE business (just step into your local Vitamin Shoppe or GNC and you'll see what I'm talking about). Yet most of the stuff - at least that I've experienced thus far - is not pleasant. I haven't yet come across a supplement that made me say, "Why, that's just plain good stuff! I'd take that over a hunk of chocolate cake any day!"

Post number two...

I saw the doc on Tuesday. I'm finally able to start eating!!! YAY!!! Nothing major...but I don't even have to puree. I can try about 3 ounces of meat and about 1.5 ounces of veggies once a day. I haven't done it yet. Last night I had pea soup. It was very yummy but TOO salty (it was the canned stuff). I've been off processed food for over 2 months now. I guess that's long enough to wash the stuff out of my system, and I'm no longer used to it. I actually think that's a good thing. There are so many added "things" in processed soup that I don't need to be or even shouldn't be eating. If I don't eat processed food, I don't have to worry about getting that stuff into my body. Yeah, it'll make life less convenient sometimes, but I'll deal. I love cooking. I can also start freezing more...making 4 servings, freezing 2 for a day when I don't have time to cook. I'm just glad for the opportunity to attempt food and move a little further away from the protein supplements.

Speaking of protein...how am I supplementing? I have unflavored protein, and when I can, I try to add it to my food. I figure the more of that I can do, the fewer shooters I have to gag my way through. Right now, I'm drinking coffee with protein powder added to it. It was a suggestion a woman made at the support group on Monday. I think it was a great idea! I get my coffee and my protein too.

Today, I made another soup...but this soup is homemade. I'm going to try it for lunch after I go for my walk. In the literature Tracy gave us Monday night it suggested that, month one after surgery we should try walking one mile per day. Month two we should walk two miles per day, and month three we should be up to two miles per day. So, I'm trying to walk 2 miles a day since I'm in month two (can you believe I'm in week 5 already??). It takes me almost an hour to do since I'm not walking that fast right now. Hopefully by the time I get up to 3 miles, I'll be walking a little faster!

That being said, time for me to head out! I needa walk, then eat, then get ready for work (not so sure if I like working evenings. It makes the day weird).

It sounded so easy...

Ya know, when I started this journey, it all sounded so easy. Just make your way through the surgery, have some protein, drink your water and everything will be a-okay. WELL, that's just because you just want it really bad so...in your head...you make it easy - hear what you want, see what you want, toss the rest.

In REALITY, it's a rather time-consuming process. "Don't stress," they told me on Tuesday at my last appointment. Don't stress? DON'T STRESS??? How can I not stress? If I don't eat enough protein, I don't lose weight, and I don't get to stay healthy. But, I can't eat enough food yet to get my daily protein. So...I have to use protein supplements. Truth be told, most protein supplements taste NASTY! At least they do post surgery (you're tastes change, I'll explain more of that later on down the blog). So, you and up gagging and choking down stuff that you can hardly stomach. The better the product tastes, the more expensive it is.
The short of it...don't fool yourself into thinking this is an easy process. It's not. It's difficult and frustrating and, sometimes downright depressing.

Do I regret it? Absolutely NOT! I know I spend a lot of time complaining, but it's not because I regret this decision. It's because I fooled myself into thinking it'd be a breeze.

Now, the story with taste changes...here's my theory: pre-surgery, I loved sweets. Chocolage was one of my best friends. Post-surgery, I'm not liking sweets so much. Chocolate and I don't get along AT ALL. Now, when you have gastric bypass surgery, they not only bypass most of the stomach, they also bypass the top part of the small intestine (check out this website. It shows you a picture of what I'm talking about...now you know what I look like on the inside. :) http://www.uihealthcare.com/depts/med/surgery/weightloss/services.html). This part of the intestine digests sugars, carbs, and fats to some extent. My theory is that, since your body now knows it can't digest these foods - at least not well - it sends signals to the brain saying "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! Don't eat these foods." To keep you from eating these foods the brain convinces your tongue that you don't like them anymore.

I don't think this will be the case forever since many people (including the nurse) say that eventually you can go back to eating almost anything (the only thing my nurse can't eat is ice cream. However, I'll take it for as long as it lasts 'cause it'll keep me from eating the wrong things). In the end, the problem becomes, how does a bypass patient supplement protein when they no longer like/tolerate sweet (although sugar free) foods when the majority of protein supplements are sweet?

Well, I think that's a GREAT question. First answer, well, not everyone has the same reaction post surgery. The interesting thing (at least one of them) about bypass surgery is that every patient seems to have different reactions. There is no way to gauge or judge what might change for a person post-surgery or even how long those changes will last. Something you can tolerate one day, you won't the next. Something you couldn't tolerate, you suddenly find you can.
Two examples: 1. I made a tomato soup. It had little hard bits in it from the seeds. I couldn't stand the soup because of the seeds. I also made yogurt with blueberries. Blueberries also had seeds. They didn't bother me at all. 2. A week ago, I could deal with acai flavored protein shooters. They're gross, but I could deal. As of 3 days ago, they started making me gag.

Ok, this is long. I have more to say, but I'll stop here. I'll write the rest in a new post to give you all a break.

One more thing, thank you! Many of you have told me that you're reading my blog. THANK YOU! I really appreciate that you're keeping tabs on me and this isn't all for naught!

No food for you!

I have to admit, part of me is really beginning to like not worrying about food. When I saw the nurse on Monday she told me to drink 3 shooters a day and not worry about eating so much (before that, I'd been working hard to get in 3 meals a day to get all my protein). Since I'm getting 75 grams of protein a day through my shooters, I only need to eat a minimum of 5 grams of protein. I've basically been eating only one meal a day all week.

It's rather liberating. I still have "head hunger" - that's where the head wants food but the stomach isn't really hungry. But most of the stuff I'm head-hungery for, I can't eat. I've reduced my menue to whipped yogurt with pureed fruit and scrambled eggs with cheese. After a while, the menu just gets boring and redundant. I really could care less about food right now and that takes away so much anxiety! I know I can't live like this forever, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

And, no, right now, I don't get hungery at all. I do have to eat one meal a day otherwise I get nauseaus. Other than that, I feel no hungery whatsoever. I miss food, I crave food, but I am not hungery.

Where things stand

Hello, Readers.
Well, I stopped by the doctor's office yesterday and met with one of the nurses (Doc dropped in on the discussion as well). I explained how concerned I am about the lack of weight loss. I'm tellin' ya, I was pretty down about the whole thing. On the verge of tears all the time, feeling depressed, not wanting to get out of bed.

What they told me is that 1. I'm still not eating enough protein. Even though I'm getting the minimum amount, it appears to not be enough, so I need to start beefing up on that. This means I get to start working even more on choking down the super-sweet, nasty protein shooters. BLECK! I have to start doing 3 of those a day. As for food, don't worry about it so much. What I'm eating is ok, but just worry about protein, protein, PROTEIN! 2. I'm probably still insulin resistant. Therefore, my body is just giving me a big F-U! and refusing to let go of any fat.

The bottom line, patience and stay off the scale.

How do I feel now? Well, I do feel a little better for having spoken with the nurse. Currently, I'm trying to eat and egg and it smells NASTY! It tastes ok, but the smell isn't agreeing with me. I hid my scale under the bed. I'm going to have to get rid of it...anyone want a free scale? Otherwise it'll keep haunting me and calling my name in that sweet, seductive way it has. Darn scale!

Once I finish my egg, I need to head out to the rhumetilogist. My FMS is flairing up since I can no longer take Cymbalta. I have to see if she can prescribe something else that's not delayed release...can't take delayed release pills anymore. :(

Depression

Folks, sorry I've been away for a few days. I've been quite depressed. The weight is not coming off at all. I'm following doctor's orders, but so far, I've only managed to lose 3 pounds in 3 weeks. I feel like an utter failure.

Either or

I had a bit of a revelation last night. I was laying in bed, snuggled up to my husband. Lights were out, he was trying to fall asleep. I wasn't tired, not by a long shot. I thought about rolling over, popping on the light, and reading my book. However, when faced with the choice between reading to aleviate bordom or staying cuddled up to my hubby, I decided to stay cuddled up. Cuddling was a better feeling than reading.

I realized that in terms of giving up food, I need to think the same way. What in my life would be more comfortable, more interesting, more ENTICING than food? If I had to choose between, say, hanging out with my husband or eating a pizza, what would I chose? What about between pizza and dance? Pizza and martial arts? Pizza and...? I need to find things that I'm will to chose over food in an uncomfortable situation.
Any suggestions?

I will survive...I hope

Well, I think I may have found a way to survive...I found some recipes in my bariatric cookbook that meet the doc's specs, so I'm going to focus on those instead of protein suppliments. However, that might mean taking in a few more calories than the doc wants me to. So...I'll have to exercise more. I'm not really up fo exercising as I'm stressed about all the things I have to do, but I have to find a happy medium somewhere. The dietition said breaking exercise up into 15 minute segments is the same thing as doing it all at once, so I'm going to try to walk 15 minutes at a time 4 times a day. We'll see where that leaves me, weight wise, at my next appointment.

GRRRRR

Well, I just threw up! For the first time since this surgery I THREW UP!! Did I throw up when I was sipping soup? NO! Did I throw up when I was nibbling chicken? NO!! But now, I'm back to struggling with protein suppliments and what do I do??? I THROW F%^&ing UP!!

Am I upset? YES! How the heck am I supposed to follow doctor's orders of doctor's orders make me sick to my stomach?? GRRR!!

Bye bye love...

Well, no more food for me. The doc was NOT happy that I started eating food. He's sent me back to square one...and I need to drink even MORE water. I feel like S@#$, and I have to still have to eat the stuff that upsets my stomach most. Grrr!

Do you smell that?

Smells are driving me CRAZY! If I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant. Oh, my gosh!! I feel so sorry for pregnant woman...nine months of never knowing what's going to make you puke just by the way it smells??? The fun part is, I seem to be smelling things no one else does! A friend came over last night and I could SWEAR I smelled onions, and it was really making my stomach do cartwheels. She said she couldn't smell anything.

This morning...I don't know what it is that I smell, but it just is turning my stomach inside out! UGH!!

I finally ate some soup last night. I know I said I was going to swear off soup for a while, but it was the only thing I could bring myself to eat. I thought I was feeling better, but then, after I ate, I was nauseaus all over again. I went to bed feeling like crap. This morning...I still feel like crap. Fortunately, I see the doctor this morning, so we'll see where that leads. In the meantime, I know I should try to eat something, but I'm afraid...

Good morning

Been up since 2:30 this morning. My stomach was bothering me all night. It still hurts. I look forward to going to the doc tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm going to attempt shakes. If I can't stomach them, then it'll just be good old chicken broth. It's all for the best, I suppose. I've been so torn up about what I'm eating and how much of it, I guess taking time off from solids will rest my weary head a little.

Have a I turned green?

I'm thinking of the Hulk, not envy. It's been an anger-filled morning. I at a whole half a cup of soup last night. I'm not supposed to have that much room in my stomach at this point. What's going wrong? Is it the broth? Washing everything down as fast as I take it in? Have I already stretched my stomach out too far (I don't know how...I've followed Dr.'s orders)? Am I just a freak of nature? I don't know. What I do know is that, right now, 1. I'm in panic mode and 2. I'm angry. I'm panicing because I keep worrying that this isn't going to work. Thankfully, I have a doctor's appointment coming up, but it's still 3 days away. I may drive myself crazy in that amount of time! I'm angery because I'm just mad at myself for being this freak of a person in love with food.
There ya go. I said it. I'm a freak. Those who know me and read this probably had no idea how I REALLY thought about myself. Lucky you, you're getting the true inside scoop on what I think of myself.

Scale, evil is thy name

Don't step on scales! Their evil! Mine has been begging me to visit for DAYS. Even though the doctor's office said don't weigh yourself at home, I finally gave in and weighed myself last night. 3 pounds! That's what the scale said...that I'd gained 3 POUNDS?? How does one gain 3 pounds on a 500 calorie a day diet??? (Yes, folks, I've been eating 500 calories a day...8 oz prune juice to get the insides flowing, 1/2 a scrambled egg, 1 oz chicken salad, 1c soup, and 2 protein shooters...grand total 460 calories. I shot the extra 40 in for good luck).

I was so depressed I just wanted to give the whole thing up. People come to the meetings and say, "Oh, I lost 20 pounds in my first 2 weeks" or whatever they loose. And I get to walk in and say I gained 3 f*&^ing pounds??? My husband told me to relax, it's only been 2 weeks. It's hard to relax though...if I fail at this then what? There is nothing left to try...

Yup, fear and panic have settled in. See, I have this problem. I expect myself to be PERFECT. I expect everything to come out JUST SO. And when I'm not and it doesn't I sort of slip on over to the dark side of EVERYTHING'S GONNA GO WRONG. There goes that ol' brain again. That nasty, ugly, slippery tape worm that just loves to make me feel like crap. It's so easy to just agree with him instead of telling him to bugger off and let me be. I'm willing to beat myself up. Why? I'm not really sure...

Last night I kept thinking about my relationship with food (I couldn't fall asleep). Why am I so afraid to give it up? What am I afraid of loosing? What am I just afraid of? 'Cause, really, it's all about fear. What is so great about food that my life will lack if I let it go? I honestly don't know. All it's given me is heartache my whole life. For as long as I can remember I've been the butt of jokes. The troll. The perfect one to pick on. Ugly. The words go on and on. Inside my own head I've hated myself for the way I look and feel. I've been embarrassed. Felt worthless. Hated the fact food had more control over my life than I did. So...what's so great that I don't want to just let go?

THAT is the million dollar question my friends and if I could figure out the answer I think this struggle would be a whole lot easier...

Riding the emotional roller coaster

Not much new to report. Still munching on pre-chewed chicken. We did go out to dinner last night and I had half of a shrimp and a little piece of fish. Yummy! :)

The emotional roller coaster is fully operational today. Loads of fun. Have I ever mentioned that I don't like roller coaster? Well, now you know, I don't.
Mostly this coaster today is about food. The craving monster is on full blast in my brain. It really sucks. I know it's going to take a lot of work to get him out of my head...but he just squirms through my brain like a nasty tapeworm! If you're out there and reading this and someone who's thinking of surgery...or just someone who struggles with food...know that there is no easy out. The voices in your head will be there for a very long time and you can either chose to meet them head on or drown in them. For the last 30+ years I've chosen to drown. I won't lie, it was a hell of a lot easier and a lot less painful to just give in than to fight. Right now part of me wants to just give up and say F$%^ it! But I can't. I won't be on this earth very many more years if I spend the rest of my life sitting in a Burger King or a Wendy's or bellying up to the ice cream bar.

My therapist said I need a list...things to do when the worm starts squirming its way around my brain...dial a friend (hey, now I'm on Millionair!), cross stitch, read a book, homework. Once I can be more active I'd like those options to be go belly dance, practice some Tae Kwon Do, kick a soccer ball...I'm not up for those things yet.

Right now, I'm feeling some cross stitch coming on. Hmm...if I x-stitch evertime I start feeling cravings, I could open my own home-crafts business! Maybe I can make money off this worm!

No magic pill

Bariatric surgery is no panacea. Intellectually, I've known this since the first time I stepped in the doctor's office. Emotionally, however, I think I'd hoped differently. Yesterday I came to the realization of the long painful haul I have ahead of me, and I was forced to confront the fear that this may not work for me.

One think they tell us over and over again is that it's normal to have no appitite for up to the first 6 months post-surgery. For me, this lasted a week and a half. I crave food...I may not necessaritly FEEL hungery, but I crave food. Yesterday, it was terrible. By the end of the day I was depressed and crying because I couldn't believe my appitite - my temptations - had come back so quickly. I don't know if I have the strength to continue this fight for the rest of my life. If I'm already struggling with my food demons, this means that I run a higher risk of turning the surgery on it's head and failing.

I am so angry! Why can't I just be normal?? And I look at the people in that room who've lost so much weight and wonder...will I be among them, or will I just continue to be a giant failure?

Good morning

Well, I made it through my first day of food. Frustratingly enough, I still didn't get enough protein in. It's supposed to be somewhere between 60-80 grams. I'm holding steady at about 50. Even to get that many I still need to supplement with some kind of protein. I've been trying these shooters that the nurse recommended - they look like koolaid in giant test tubes. I'm pretty sure I mentioned them yesterday. Anyway, they're sickeningly sweet, but I guess gagging my way through them is better than trying to choke down a shake (I did choke down a shake yesterday and the whole rest of the day I had that upset stomach feeling like I ate too much dairy).

Getting my 64 ounces of liquid in is also getting tougher. Nothing agrees with me. I don't like sweet, yet plain water makes me gag as well. I'm trying iced tea and it's not helping much either. I'm beginning to wonder if the doc operated on my tastebuds too! I can almost tolerate watered down apple juice...but that's just taking in empty caleries all day. I suppose it's not TOO bad because I'm using the light apple juice, but still. Anyone got any great, sugar free, beverage ideas?

o/~ Food, glorious, food o/~

Well, last night I had my support group. When it was all over I explained my difficulty with protein suppliments to the nurse. She told me to EAT!! Woohoo!! So, last night I came home and had cream of broccoli soup. It went down just fine...although even that was too sweet. Today I'll pull out some more soups and munch on them and see how it goes. I still have to get my protein in which means I still have to suppliment somehow...she gave me some protein shooters to try (they look like koolaid in giant test tubes). I tried a red one last week and it was like cough syrup mixed with koolaid. We'll see how these two taste...I'm just glad to be able to move away from protein shakes. Even if I have to sip soup 6 times a day to get my protein in, it's better than gagging down shakes!

Don't take this the wrong way...not everyone has this reaction, and lap-band people generally don't because their physiology doesn't really change. But sometimes...a lot of times...bypass patients have reactions to food different from what they had before surgery. Part of that has to do with the intestinal rerouting. Since they hack of the part that deals with sweats, sweat foods suddenly become VERY sweat. Right now I'm liking foods that are closer to bland or even a little salty. Sugar has no pull for me whatsoever. When I have cravings they're for hamburgers and french fries, not cake and ice cream.

Water is still an iffy subject for me. I'm finally drinking it plain, but it's not a pleasurable experience by any stretch. However, I know I have to keep myself hydrated and I don't like sweatened ice tea or lemonade or plain iced tea or juice (well prune just is ok, but that's got a lot of calories) or just about anything else (I still like chicken broth, but I'm becoming overrun with boiled breasts, so I've cut myself off of that one). So...I'm trying to slowly, sip by sip, choke down my 64 oz of good old fashioned H2O each day.

Husbands

So, last night I was watching the hubby eat supper. Actually, I spent more time watching his fork move around the plate than I spent watching him. It was an interesting learning experience. As his fork missed bits of meat stuck to a bone or hidden under BBQ sauce my anxiety level rose. It kept going up as I realized he wasn't going to sop up every drop of butter with his potatoes and leave a few bits of collared greens stuck to his plate...

This month and a half I've spent without food had been a real time for self-reflection (if I didn't mention it before, I was on one of those "2 shakes and a small meal" diets leading up to surgery). Since I can't eat food whenever I have an urge or impulse, my only recourse has been to sit with my feelings, turn them over like sea-smoothed stones, and inspect them. What I have learned is that I have a very complex emotional life centered around food.

Most notibly, my emotions toward food center around anxiety and fear. Last night, for example, I was very anxious about every tidbit not sopped up from the plate my husband was eating from. The fear is of not being satisfied and not having enough. Those two fears run like cores through my entire life. I suppose food was the one place I could placate those fears because I could control what I was eating, when, and how much. I did find it facinating though that my fear and anxiety were transfered to my husband's plate, though. What does it matter if he cleans his plate? It has no bearing on me whatsoever. Yet, it was very upsetting to me all the same.

I wonder how many people out there are like me...prisoners of the plate and not even realizing it. Yes, I've known for years that I had a problem. I finally became willing to acknowledge this problem 8 months ago - that's how I ended up where I am today. Yet, I had no idea just how deep this problem was until food was taken from me almost completely. It's like a weed with deep, strong roots. Everytime I try to challange it, the roots squeeze tighter around my core making it almost impossible for me to turn away. I am not in control of food, I am its prisoner.

Emotions...they aren't kidding!

Ok...so in my little "Bariatric Surgery" handbook (I'm paraphrasing here) they say that it'll be an emtional roller coaster for a while. THEY WEREN'T KIDDING!!! Earlier I was watching America's Got Talent...I started bawling my eyes out (normally, I don't cry at that show...I skip the sappy stuff and just watch the talent, or lack thereof). Then I heard my husband pull in (he'd only been gone a few hours) and I started crying again because I was just SO happy he was home. Then I tried to do some homework, and I started crying because I was too overwhelmed and didn't even know where to start. I feel like a total emotional basket case!
There are a few other emotions going on as well, but I won't mention them hear. I'll let you use your imagination...

The morning after...

So yesterday I went running around to job interviews, and then the family came over for dinner. Today...I HURT!! I guess it was a little too much all at once. Word to the wise I suppose...it's better to just take it easy. Yes, getting up and moving around is an important part of recovery. At the same time, it's important to take care of oneself. I'm not so good at that part. However, I guess I'll have to learn because, from here on in, when it comes to food, I'll always have to make sure I pay attention to my needs over anyone else's desires. It will be an interesting experience, learning to put myself first...

In terms of other things...still struggling with the bowels. I tried a new laxetive last night - no luck, so now I'm working with good, old-fashioned prune juice. If that doesn't work...well...who knows.

I'm still struggling with the protein shakes. A lap-band friend said she did carnation instant breakfast - but it's too low in protein. I tried it anyway and I think I can get used to it...My sister said to try putting a little peanut butter in my shakes. That's what she did when she was pregnant. So, I bought some sugar free peanut butter and I guess I might try that for lunch. Yesterday I mixed chicken soup flavored protein with cream of mushroom soup and that worked out really well. Maybe I'll just eat soup all day!

Ok, off to my prune juice and some homework!

Know thy enemy

Ok...just a warning...Milk of Magnesia is the WORST tasting stuff out there! Even worse than my stepmother's cooking (she could burn eggs and keep them raw at the same time...so I know what I'm talking about!). So, word to the wise, before getting constipated, TAKE SOMETHING! According to the bariatric cookbook I have (It's called "Eating Well After Weight Loss Surgery") vitamin E can help keep to regular. I sure bought some today! I'll let you know if it works. I sure as heck won't be taking anymore Milk of Magnesia unless my colon is on its deathbed...maybe not even then.

P.S.

I've started craving food. I don't know what my stomach is thinking...it doesn't want to deal with protein shakes but it wants bacon and eggs? Anyway, yesterday I made baked chicken, potatoes and collard greens for my husband for dinner. I had to keep reminding myself that I could NOT test taste! I sure am looking forward to the pureed stage of recovery. I think the first thing I'll puree is a big, fat juicy 1 oz steak (well...that's all I'll be able to eat and I make darn good steak! Marinate it overnight with worchester sauce and adobo seasoning then grill it. Yuuuummyyyyy!).

Has the time finally come?

Well, folks, I did it! I actually drank a whole protein shake! WOOHOO!! So far, I don't feel queasy or nauseaus (Ok, I never promised I could spell) or anything else. If all goes well, for lunch I'll be adding protein to my soup. WOW! :) Hey...this is a big deal. I'm supposed to be taking in 60-80 grams of protein a day to keep my hear from falling out and get my wounds to heal and loose weight (yes, friends, if you don't eat enough, you can actually prevent yourselves from loosing weight. Take it from a fat person. We know everything). To this point, I'd been taking in 5 grams at the most.

That's all the exciting news I have for the moment. I have developed a new pain in my abdomon, but, according to the nurse, that's because I need a little milk of magnesia. Good thing I'm headed to the grocery store this afternoon!

I'll keep you posted on my protein journey...

Protein

Keep your fingers crossed! I just drank 3 oz of protein shake. We'll see how my tiny tummy responds...

You are what you sip

So...I'm supposed to be drinking protein. YAY!!! Or so I thought...I haven't been this sick in YEARS!! So, this morning, it's just straight chicken broth. My stomach doesn't like tea. It doesn't like water. It doesn't like anything except chicken broth. If I sprout feathers and fly away well...I've always wondered what it'd be like to fly.

I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but honestly, right now, I'm wondering what the hell did I do to myself? Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing I hadn't done this, I'm just wondering what I was thinking. My stomach was sensitive to begin with and now I seem to have made it more so. I want to just get better and MOVE ON! I know, I know...it takes time. Patience may be a virtue, but it is NOT one that I have learned.

The good news is that I've lost 9 pounds since surgery last Wednesday. Of course, when all your drinking is no and low cal beverages, that's not so hard to to. However, it was still nice to see.

More good news - I'm almost pain free. Inside and out, I feel pretty good (not counting the nausea). However, I have one stubborn inscision that refuses to stop hurting. I guess it's normal. Of course, it doesn't help that I keep sneezing and every time I sneeze it feels like someone is ripping my side open with their bare hands!

So...if anyone's out there reading this you're probably wondering why the heck I did this, right? (hello? anyone one there? is this thing on?) Well, I can tell you this much...I was desperate. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I was (am) a food junky! I couldn't get enough (hello...I gained 80 pounds in 4 months, does that tell you anything???)! No matter how bad I wanted to stop, I couldn't. So, as tough as the healing process of this journey is, I know - at least I believe - it will bring me to a better place than I was before the journey began. I've been off food for over a month. In that time I've had a chance to look at myself, look at my relationship with food, and gain better insight into the kinds of food I'm addicted to. I can see more clearly which foods make me loose control. They tell me that, eventually, I'll be able to eat everything again. I'm not so sure that is true. I am beginning to believe that, for me, there will be certain kinds of food that I'll never be able to eat again if I want to remain sane. Besides, if I follow doctor's orders and focus on my protein, I won't really have room in my stomach for the bad stuff anyway.

Alright, I'm out. I'm going to finish my broth and attempt my first, real, post-surgery walk. The weather's good and hope is in the air. Besides, if my stomach finally decides to let loose, better in the parking lot than on my laptop, right?
(P.S. I'm just trying to keep real and tell it like it is. I'm not trying to be graphic or gross, but I don't really want to sugar coat either.)

The Joys of Protein

Good Monday morning to anyone paying attenetion. Nausea has been the order of the day for the last two days. Can we say FUN??? I've been given permission to start on my protein shakes. Perhaps I'm just hungery my doc said. Well, let's see...the last time I ate or drank anything with caloric content was last Tuesday...what do you think?

Yesterday I sampled some chocolate protein shake - too thick, said Goldilocks. Then I had some chicken broth - just right, she said. This morning, I'm trying the shake again and it's going down ok. The only other choice is diluted apple juice, but I'm afraid of the sugar (never thought I'd hear myself say that!).

So...6 days post surgery what are my thoughts? Well...pain sucks (it does, I'm sorry). Nausea sucks as well. I'm ready to start feeling stellar. When does that happen?

The bad dreams have started to dissipate - now they're just strange. I haven't taken pain meds since Saturday so maybe that's why. Last night, though, I dreamed I ate chocolate cream pie...not a real one. It was one of those things you buy in the package at the store.

To vomit or not to vomit, that is the question...

Well, this morning the pain has begun to subside...thankfully, but the nausea is off the charts! Lucky me! I get to start sipping protien shakes. The doc thinks that, perhaps, my tummy is unhappy about not having food for 5 days. I can't imagine why that would make my body unhappy. Can you??

Saturday...Saturday....

Ok...so, for some reason, I have Elton John in my head, but I don't really feel like fighting (according to the song, that is what Saturday night is alright for).

It's Saturday morning (NO promises that I'll be writing every day, but, hey, it's a new toy. Just like Christmas I have to play with it till I break it at least, right?). Pain is still there..par for the course, I suppose. I'm also having VERY strange dreams. I guess that's from the pain meds. Mostly not good ones...like people stealing my car, or putting their brains inside cats so they can chase me without them knowing (what can I say? I seem to have a vivid subconscious imagination). Although, last night I also dreamed the Macy's was having a GREAT sale and I almost bought a $240.00 rug for 9 bucks. Can't really beat that, right?

I'm also feeling a little nausea this morning. Not toooo bad, but I guess it's time to start looking at the suppositories (can we say FUN???).

And clothes? FORGETTABOUTIT!! I don't want to wear anything with a waisteband 'cause it HURTS! Ok...time to go drink my 3 ounces of water.

First Day Home

Well, hello world! I just had weight loss surgery and decided it might be fun to share my journey in blog form. I know there might be a million of these out there, but I figure one more can't hurt.

I had gastric bypass surgry on Wednesday. I just got home from the hospital this morning. At the time I started my weight loss surgery journey, I weighed 312 pounds. By the morning of my surgery, I was down to 287 thanks to a month of wonderfully yummy protein shake meals.

My biggest worry up until the surgery was that my liver still would be too big to perform the surgery. Surprisingly, though, surgery-day, I had no worries whatsoever. I felt very confident going in and confident coming out (once I was assured my liver HADN'T been too big and, yes, the doc had done the work).

Now I get to spent the next 5 days sipping 3 ounces of clear liquid an hour. WOOHOO! Those of you who've been there, know where I'm coming from.

We'll see where things go from here...